Page 78 of Did My Love Life Shrink in the Wash?
‘Speaking of laxatives…’
‘You didn’t…?’
‘No, I went on Yasmin’s page and tried some of that Ayurvedic shit.’
‘Yoga?’
‘Lentils. I made a curry like on one of her Insta stories. It was yummy.’
‘That’s a start.’
‘But the spice gave me the squits and the most phenomenal wind. I thought I was going to explode.’
‘You idiot.’
We sit there laughing. Maybe that’s all I need – a diet of dried fruit, lentils and extremely hot spices.
‘But if you want to take it seriously,’ Lucy says, ‘then let’s do something now. I can do a HIIT routine with you?’
‘What does that mean? Is it a fighting thing? Will I get to actually hit you?’
‘No, numpty. It’s high intensity interval training.’
‘Will it hurt?’
‘If it’s not hurting, it means it’s not working. Pain before gain.’ She says this in a booming man’s voice like I’m about to go in an actual ring. I was more thinking something light and dance-based?
Lucy walks over to a patch of grass, setting up a small wireless speaker. Some energetic dance music plays out of it and she starts jogging on the spot. Self-conscious, I look over my shoulder to ensure no one thinks we’re just a group of errant youths.
‘This will be good. It may limber you up.’
‘If it doesn’t kill me.’
‘So I’ll play a series of bleeps at time intervals and I’ll tell you what to do in each one. For the first minute, we’re going to do some prisoner squats.’
She puts her hands to her head and squats like she’s sitting down. I can do that. I follow.
‘Really deep, like you’re sitting on a chair. Feel the burn in your thighs.’
My thighs seem to quiver like this is the first time they’ve been asked to operate beyond supporting my body weight. I feel a burn but the bleep hasn’t gone yet so I keep going.
‘It burns.’
‘Keep going.’
Bleep. Thank crap for that.
‘Good and now fast feet.’
Oh shit, we’re running on the spot. I can feel myself jiggling. Like every part of me, even my eyeballs. I should have done something with my hair. She looks at my face curled up in pain.
‘You really don’t do any sort of exercise, eh?’
‘Oh, piss off.’
She can actually breathe. She has full working capacity of her lungs. How? I’ve run on the spot for literally just thirty seconds. I can feel my underboobs sweating.
‘Now, thirty seconds off. Take in some water.’
