Page 116 of Did My Love Life Shrink in the Wash?
Did it smell of wee?I’ll keep that to myself. There’s a pause as I negotiate a roundabout.
‘I feel like there’s so much to tell you,’ I tell him.
‘Grace is back. That’s amazing.’
‘That too, but also I want to ask you about work. And I want to explain that kiss with Sean.’
‘There’s no need. Sean rang me up to explain. He wanted to meet up for a drink and apologise. He was really good actually. He bollocked me for doing what I did. No one had really done that yet. No one had taken me to task on it and I deserved that. I know I was a hypocrite about Sean but I panicked. You were such good friends. I seriously thought I’d lost you for a minute, for good. I’m sorry, B.’
‘Yeah, you kind of were… Sean did that?’
‘He’s a better mate than you’ll ever know. I’m sorry I thought there was something going on there. I guess I had such a low opinion of myself, I thought maybe you’d chosen to be with someone better.’
‘Never even crossed my mind. All I ever wanted was just the band back together again.’
That much was true. The car stops and we appear to be gridlocked on this bloody road. Who puts five-way temporary traffic lights on during Christmas?
‘I now realise I just dug a bigger and bigger hole for myself the longer I left not coming back. I just assumed you’d be angry, that you wouldn’t want me around.’
‘There were times when I didn’t. I told you to leave when…’
‘My knob wouldn’t work?’
‘Well, yeah…’
We both smile. We tried to cement us back together with awkward sex. It was a mistake all round.
‘That time I was hurt, I felt completely rejected. But I did need you around. I needed you here to help me with Joe. No matter how you were feeling, we needed to work out our problems together, as a family.’
‘I was selfish. I get that now. After Sean’s rant, your dad told me that much. He was the only one from your side who rang me to have a chat.’
‘What did he say?’ I enquire, curiously.
‘He called me a chuffing idiot and that I’m missing out on the best thing, a family, a life with you. He called you his favourite daughter.’
‘He says that about all of us…’ But my heart glows to think of Dad behind the scenes, the quiet director of this crazy multi-act play, gifting us all with his love and wisdom.
‘I think he also wanted a big Christmas reunion to wind up your mother.’ I laugh. He looks at me intently. ‘I missed you so, so much. I just didn’t know how to communicate any of it. I was rehearsing big, romantic speeches to photos of you on my phone before I went to bed. Kat found me one night and told Pete he needed to call a doctor. But still, I didn’t do anything and I’ll always be sorry for that. I’ll always regret giving you months of pain. For letting you and Joe down.’
We glance at each for a moment. The apology, the clarity of thought from him is a start but this isn’t over. He has many nappies to change as penance.
‘I quit my job. I start at some new set-up in Clapham after the New Year. No more standing desks and commutes.’
‘Is that what you want?’ I ask, knowing I never wanted us to interfere with his love for his career.
‘No more ego-driven, unpredictable Sam and her ridiculous demands so it’s the right decision for now. I’ll have to start wearing chinos but it saves my sanity, brings me closer to you guys.’
‘Chinos will work if you wear them with a monocle.’
He laughs and just to hear that noise makes me sit back, relieved. Will fiddles with the stereo. He plays the CD in there and starts to smile as Liam Gallagher’s voice booms out.
‘You did listen to it then.’
‘Maybe. I put it on occasionally. “Songbird” is a bad choice though. I’d have gone with “She’s Electric” or “Champagne Supernova”.’
‘I like the lyrics of “Songbird” more.’
‘But I have a family full of eccentrics. It makes perfect sense. If you’re going with “Songbird” then you go Fleetwood Mac. But then “Landslide”… You also put in “Shallow”.’
