Page 117 of Did My Love Life Shrink in the Wash?
WhenA Star is Bornfirst came out, we watched it together at the cinema and sobbed. We then came home and drank in the characters’ honour, learning the parts of that duet and singing it (badly) while we heated up oven chips, still crying and raving about what a revelation Lady Gaga was. I can tell we’re both thinking back to that memory. I hear our clutch making weird squeaky sounds and Will mumbles away at lyrics. He never gets them quite right but it’s part of his charm.
‘I read your letter too,’ I tell him. ‘Thank you.’
‘I couldn’t think what else to do to win you back. I wanted you to know I was serious about everything.’
‘The sisters liked the penmanship.’
He turns his head, sharply. ‘Everyone read the letter?’
I nod. To be fair, that is probably all the punishment he deserves.
‘You wrote something…about becoming a dad? Being a good dad. I got that, I felt that.’ He looks worried that this is me commenting on the quality of his fatherhood skills. I go on, ‘What I mean is I haven’t got the hang of this parenthood thing either… I’ve got a new body, a new role in life, a new human. I want to love it all so much, but nothing is immediate, nothing is perfect. The flaws, the things we get wrong, the mistakes we make…they’re all part of the process – andJoe needs to see that. I’d rather he sees us as two people trying our bloody best, but not always getting it right. And most of all, he needs to see us doing it together.’
Will nods, looking out into the glowing red brake lights that line the road for what seems like miles. Nine years together and they’ve been the best ones of my life but as the adventure moves on, the challenges have changed, we need each other more than ever.
‘Don’t walk out like that on me ever again, or next time I won’t let you back in,’ I say in serious tones.
‘Noted.’
‘And thank you for not asking me to marry you in my parents’ front room too.’
‘Did I scare you for a moment?’ he asks.
‘Maybe. Did you see Mum’s face?’
We both laugh.
‘I don’t want to marry you, Will.’
He looks over. Even though we’ve already discussed this, I can’t tell if he’s crestfallen or relieved.
‘I like us. I want to work at us and that’s all. I have no idea what that is supposed to look like. But it’s not a white wedding and being married… and it’s not as anything else. And I think that’s OK. Does that make any sense at all?’
He nods. ‘Just you and me and Joe.’
‘Just hanging out forever?’
‘I can do that.’
You’d better.The song changes on the CD and skips a little. It’s the car, it does this occasionally. It also has a tendency to stall and the windows fog up far too much. I see Will trying to catch my eye from the passenger seat, trying to work out it if I’ve forgiven him or not.
‘I missed this,’ he says.
‘This?’
He nods. I know exactly what he means.
‘Can I kiss you, Beth?’
I reply by leaning over and initiating the act myself. There is a flash of light as our lips meet. Then a car beeps its horn. We smile, our faces millimetres away from each other. The lights have changed colour, the traffic is moving again. They can wait.
By the time we get in and through the door, Joe has passed out and we enter our building to find a face sitting outside our front door, having a drink with Paddy. Yasmin. I have a feeling that Paddy might be drunk – I know he’s spent the day with his sons, enjoying Christmas and plenty of whisky. They both sit on camping chairs, laughing hysterically.
‘Hello?’ I say.
‘Oh my God, Beth. I’m moving in with Paddy. I’m having my baby with him!’
Paddy does his best not to blush. ‘Can you imagine? I’ll call my sons and tell them I’m moving in with a supermodel who’s a fraction of my age.’
