Page 3 of Did My Love Life Shrink in the Wash?
‘Is that supposed to be there?’ Will asks. I’m not entirely certain myself. Surely all that’s supposed to emerge from there is water and babies? Will roots around in my bag and finds my marrow-sized sanitary towels. Whatever boundaries we may have had between us are gone as he sees me attach it to my knickers and lunge to adjust how it sits in my gusset. I don’t need to say anything; he can read that emotion in my eyes. What the hell are we doing? We press our call button and I fall into a squat position. Pain. Bad period pains. Will’s massage turns into a baker’s kneading.
‘Siri, WhatsApp call Emma Callaghan,’ I hear Will instruct his phone.
I look over my shoulder curiously as he puts the phone on speaker, calling my sister, the doctor.
‘Hello, Will? Has she popped yet? I’m adding in the other sisters. Put her on.’
I shake my head. Now is not the time for a phone conference. The screen splits into five different views and all of their faces appear: Meg, Emma, Grace and Lucy. The first two are mothers, the others are not. They all strain their necks, trying to work out if there’s a baby in the room.
‘We didn’t do this for Meg, or you, Ems?’ I inform them.
‘That was because the technology wasn’t available. What’s happening? Are we in a position to livestream?’ Meg says, laughing.
‘I DON’T WANT TO SEE UP HER VAG!’ Lucy shrieks. Will turns the volume down.
‘Can we get the midwife to GoPro it?’ Grace adds, her screen going fuzzy, in and out of focus. I wave at her. I miss my Grace. What time is it in Japan? Is she in a karaoke room? They all talk amongst each other, someone commenting on the weather and someone asking why Lucy is sitting just in her pants.Hello? Woman in labour here, you bitches.They’re all laughing at my discomfort. None of them are getting birthday presents.
‘Ems, the midwife thinks I had a show. Am I supposed to be bleeding?’
‘How bad? Give it to me in egg cups,’ she replies.
‘Who measures blood in egg cups? I feel like I’ve got my period.’
‘Standard. How many pads have you filled? Waters?’
Ems is like this, efficient. I imagine she coaxed her babies out with an encouraging tone at the precise time of her choosing. The sisters all listen in, Lucy’s face a tight grimace.
‘I think they’re still there,’ I reply.
‘You think? Mine burst like the banks of the Seine,’ Meg tells me. ‘All over the kitchen floor. The dog licked them up.’ Will retches off screen.
Emma studies my face. ‘If you were in real labour then you wouldn’t be able to talk, let alone stand.’
‘It hurts though.’
‘Squat, open up the passages.’ Meg had her third five months ago. In her front room. I think they literally walk out of her now.
‘Should my back hurt?’ I ask.
‘Didn’t you read those books I gave you?’ Emma replied.
I didn’t. I read magazines and I binge watchedFriends. I thought if I saw Rachel and Phoebe give birth enough times then I’d just absorb the knowhow through the screen. The two younger sisters look ashen but also know when they’re out of their depth.
‘Ems,’ Grace pipes in. ‘Go easy on her, we love you, B.’
‘Yeah, can we go? I don’t need to see the pushing and fluids bit. I just want to see the little baby,’ admits Lucy. The elder sisters relieve them but then switch their glares in my direction. Guess it could be worse. Our mother could be here.Beth, we’re Callaghan women, we birth things. In the olden days, I am sure we birthed them in fields and went back to work within hours. Pull yourself together.I wince out loud at another stabbing pain in my back. Meg jumps into action.
‘Will, get her to breathe. Long exhalations.’ I hand the phone back to my boyfriend and hear the group talk amongst themselves. He nods, his face white, as the two sisters give him instructions. Is she telling him how to check my dilation?
He hangs up and takes a breath. ‘Are you sure you’re in labour?’
‘What?’ I know what Meg and Emma would have said. She was always a nightmare on her period, this may be her hypochondriac tendencies coming into play.
‘Emma said that it’s early to be…’
‘Seriously, you can all piss off.’
‘OK. Emma told me to get a midwife. I’m going to leave you for just a second. Do you want music?’
