Page 26 of Did My Love Life Shrink in the Wash?
‘Hell, no. But if you’re squeezing your boobs in a sink then I’m not missing out on that.’
I laugh. Needs must. I push the fabric of my dress to one side and unclasp my bra as he locks the door then comes to stand next to me, smiling at me through the mirror. I hand him my bag. This is a perfect date night activity. It’s what all new parents do. I can do this. I can milk my tits into a sink. I have to lean forward slightly, angling the nipple over the basin and squeeze. As is the case with my milk supply, the first squeezes are a relief and shoot out across the porcelain before they peter out into a dribble. This must sound like I have an extraordinarily unpredictable bladder to anyone outside. Will can’t stop laughing.
‘If you get your phone out, I will smother you with these things,’ I say.
‘Can I have a go?’ he asks, half drunk but half trying to help me preserve some sense of dignity. I shrug. These boobs don’t belong to me anymore. Have a squeeze. I place my hand over his to provide instruction.
‘Like, fingers there and there and squeeze.’
A stream of milk trickles over his fingers.
He giggles. ‘It’s warm.’
‘It’s not come out of a fridge,’ I tell him.
We’re both in hysterics. This is the first time he’s been near my breast for a while, so there’s relief he’s not completely fearful of them. It feels like he’s dipping his toe in the waters again to check it’s safe.
‘You want me to milk you next?’ I ask.
He raises his eyebrows at me but we both keel over laughing. I remember a time when I gave him a blowie at a concert. We’re so far removed from that point. I poke at my breast, now softer to the touch and grab his hand, kissing the fingers. It’s not remotely sexual in any way but it’s a comfort. I wouldn’t want to be milked by anyone else. I want to ask if we can just stay in this cubicle for the rest of the evening, away from the rest of the world.
‘That better?’ Will asks.
‘I mean it’d be better if someone attached their mouth to it and drained it properly.’
‘That’s kinky. Are we ready for that?’
I laugh a little too loudly and Will hushes me as we hear the shuffle of feet waiting by the door. He pushes some hair away from my face as I re-adjust myself in the mirror. I smooth down the hair frizz and reapply Vaseline to my lips and the dry patch of skin that has formed on my chin like some hormonal soul patch. As I do so, Will opens the door and as joy and luck would dictate it, Sam stands there, beaming like she’s had too much of the organic wine. That doesn’t look suspicious, us hogging the loos together and me re-applying my lip balm. I wonder how much she may have heard of our conversation too.
‘Oh.’ I can’t tell if she’s disgusted or impressed. ‘How are you both enjoying the evening?’
‘It’s a really lovely pub. The food is great,’ I say, my face rising to an ever deeper blush.
‘What did you have? she asks.
‘I had the chicken,’ Will mumbles.
‘I had the burrata and the risotto, it was all a delight,’ she replies. ‘So fresh.’
I pause. Burrata is a food trend I’ve not caught up with in the past year. I think it’s cheese. It’s not a burrito. But I can’t look uncultured and ask. She grabs my hand which takes me by surprise.
‘It’s so nice to finally meet you. I’m totally in love with your boy.’
With Joe? Oh. Will? Like literally? If she is then we need to have a fight in these loos, right now.
‘We’re headed on to another bar, you are coming… yes? You must, you must.’
I smile. Make your excuses, William. We have a twelve-pound baby at your sister’s house, he’s the best excuse we’ve ever had to get out of things. But then if we stay and laugh at his boss’s jokes and compliment her then will this help him be part of the gang? Might she give my boy a bit more money and shoo him out of the office at a reasonable hour to see his infant son?
‘Sure thing, sounds fun,’ I say.
Will looks mildly shocked at my acceptance of the invitation. She squeals and links arms with me like she’s known me forever. ‘I’m going to do some lines now and then I’ll be good to go. You two want any?’
We both shake our heads in firm unison. She closes the door as Will and I stand there, his hand reaching down to grab mine.
Track Six
‘Scooby Snacks’ – Fun Lovin’ Criminals (1996)
