Page 30 of Did My Love Life Shrink in the Wash?
‘I’m too old for this. I bet Philip did that to make me look bad. Drugging the competition. What if it was cut with something dodgy?’
‘I knew a girl at university who got hospitalised for snorting Shake n’ Vac once.’
He laughs but there’s a scared, almost paranoid look to his face. So we’re at that stage now. I embrace him.
‘I’m sorry I didn’t back you up with the bouncer. I was trying to stop my face from twitching uncontrollably.’
‘I noticed. How do we get you down again? Water?’
‘Weed. I think. I believe there’s some of that in your bra.’
‘And he’s not getting it back. I’m selling it to pay for our Uber home.’
He kisses me on the forehead. We suddenly hear a sharp whistle and turn to see Philip standing on a table of a booth, urging us over.
‘One drink?’
‘One drink.’ He interlocks his fingers into mine and we weave through the crowd of revellers. At least I have somewhere to sit tonight.
‘Oh my God, did the 5-0 do a strip search?’ Philip asks when we get there.
‘I don’t think they were the actual police,’ I tell him. He glares at me like I just ruined his bad joke.
‘What are we drinking?’ asks Will.
I glance at Will. We need to scrape him off the ceiling. Are we seriously adding more alcohol to the mix?
‘Oh, Sammy’s got us bottles of Lanson for the table?’ Philip says, swigging from a glass. Kiki is kind enough to push two glasses in our direction and I take a polite sip. Geez, that is the good stuff. It tastes like money. Will drinks his a little too enthusiastically. Pace yourself. I suddenly feel an arm drape itself around my waist.
‘Darlings, you made it in!’ says Sam. ‘I was worried. I was on the phone to Terry and Giselle. You willlovethem, Will. They own an agency in Prague and are here for the week. Such intense ideas about urban regeneration. Jacques is also coming.’ I have no idea who Jacques is but nod. ‘And we justhaveto dance. Come on, gang, a celebratory boogie because we got that Lambeth gig.’ She swipes a glass from the table and holds it aloft, grabbing at Will and grinding at him in a time that doesn’t quite fit the music. You have to applaud the gall of a woman who does that right in front of his girlfriend. Is she just so drunk that she’s blissfully unaware? Or is this some sort of boss privilege that she’s playing out here? Do I play along so I don’t get Will in trouble? Or do I pretend to sling my handbag over my shoulder and take her out? I have to laugh, don’t I? I have to push down all my feelings of jealousy and judgement and self-worth and let her do this. Kiki and Shu place their handbags on the table and shift out of the booth while Philip removes his jacket, ready to launch himself onto the dancefloor. I am not a part of the team who got the Lambeth gig so I understand my role here. I’m saving our seats and looking after the belongings. It’s one down in ranking from the designated driver. Go. Dance. Atleastdance the drugs out of your system.As Will follows them, he looks back at me, apologetically. It’s cool. I don’t like this song anyway.
‘Excuse me… excuse me… is anyone sitting here?’
I jolt myself awake and sit up to see a group of girls looking over me. God, they’re so young. I want to see ID. How long was I asleep?
‘Yeah, sorry…they’re on the dancefloor.’ I point over to the little crowd of people I assume to be Sam, Will and the others. They seem to have been joined by a few more. There’s a neon aura of merriment around them. The girls don’t look too impressed with me. Do I allow them to perch for the meanwhile? Or is it because I nodded off and used this nook like a tramp? They skulk away and I sit up, taking a sip of this expensive champagne to refresh myself. My milk will be posh now, Joe. I hope you appreciate it.
Along the sides of the banquette seating, I’ve arranged coats and bags to protect our space. I refold Sam’s coat. It’s Balmain. It’s so chic. I stroke at the suede fabric. I don’t buy suede because it bobbles when it gets wet but it’s so nice to touch. I can’t believe I fell asleep. Actually, I can. Realistically, all that’s getting me through this evening is momentum but the fact I’ve stopped and taken pause on a seat with cushions has meant my body has taken over. This is more exercise and excitement than I’ve had in months. To be fair, is anyone actually looking? I could have another ten-minute power nap and I don’t think anyone would care. But a figure suddenly appears at the table.
‘Breast pads.’
It’s the bouncer from before. Is that my new name now? But he points over to my dress. My nap has meant a breast pad has shifted out of position and sticks out my cleavage. I’m half grateful it’s not the eighth of weed. I adjust my tits and look at up him.
‘I was told there was someone asleep in the booths.’ I look over his shoulder to see the same group of girls standing a distance away, glaring at me. Is that a reportable offence now? I glare back at them.I hope one of you drops your phone in a loo tonight and you lose all your pictures.
‘I’m not asleep. As you can very well see.’ I smooth down my hair and unconvincingly wipe at the corners of my mouth where I may have been drooling. Please don’t throw me out and put the nail in this evening’s coffin. I’m not sure why but I then reach for Sam’s coat and drape it on my shoulders. To make myself look richer, more powerful perhaps, so he may think I’m important. Instead, he comes to sit next to me. I am slightly unnerved so put my handbag in between us. Crap, this is when I’m supposed to slip him a fifty-pound note to bribe him, isn’t it?
‘Can I say something?’ he asks.
‘Only if it’s nice?’
‘You look very tired. Are you alright?’
I laugh at his honesty. I thought I’d used enough concealer to hide the worst bits. I suspect cheap product, summer heat and the nap has melted it all off.
‘Honestly? I have a new baby. I’m not the best version of myself this evening.’
He smiles. ‘How old?’
