Page 34 of Did My Love Life Shrink in the Wash?
‘To be fair I liked Joe’s company. Saved me from sitting here on my own like a loser.’
‘You could have gone out with Lucy.’
‘To a trance night in Hoxton? I don’t think so.’
She looks over at my face and studies my fatigue in the same way that Meg did the other day.
‘But seriously, are you really OK, B? After you were here the other day, it got me thinking. I know what motherhood is like. It’s totally displacing. You know I’m here if you need me, yes?’
I smile and nod. Displacing isn’t even the word. Beth Callaghan is gone. She’s a mother now. I used to have a name, be an actual person but I don’t even know who she is anymore. I keep my thoughts to myself. Emma never appeared like this as a mother to me. She was completely zen and it felt like motherhood fit. It was a crown that never slipped, that never sat too tight. My crown is bloody huge, and heavy. And I can’t see anything as it covers my eyes.
‘You know what would make me happy?’ I say.
‘Shoot.’
‘Can I have a shower? A long one. And wash my hair and dry it properly. And maybe have another micro nap on your stupidly comfortable sofa.’
I’m skirting around the issue. It’s very me but I don’t want to conduct a comparative life exercise here with my sister. I love her completely but I am under no doubt she is a much better mother than me and that doesn’t make me feel too great. She wants me to pour this all out to her but now’s not the time. I need much more white toast and sugar in my system for that to happen.
‘Deal. I washed your dress. I’ll make sure it’s dry and bring it up to you,’ she replied.
‘Of course you did.’
My phone ringing breaks up the conversation and I lean over to answer it. It’s Peter, Will’s brother.
‘Peter? Hey.’
‘Thank God. Are you OK, Beth?’
‘Yes? Why do you ask?’ I’m a bit alarmed by the tension in his voice.
‘Because I literally opened my front door this morning and found Will sleeping on my porch?’
‘You what?’
‘Drunk as a fricking skunk too. It’s a wonder Kat let me bring him into the house. She thought it was a homeless man. Have you two had a fight?’
‘No, we went out and I left early because of Joe. Is he OK?’
He comes off the line to speak to someone in the background.
‘He’s safe. I think you had the house keys and then he realised you weren’t there and— When are you going to grow up?’ I can hear Peter and Will having a brief exchange of the sorts of insults you can only share with siblings. ‘I am going to drive him back to yours now. Can he meet you there?’
‘Sure, give me half an hour?’
I hang up and Emma eyeballs me from her armchair.
‘He could have brought him here?’ she says.
‘Don’t.’
‘I’m just saying, at least let your son finish his meal. And I am going to put on some more toast.’
‘But I said half—’
‘There will be traffic. They can wait.’
We hear a sudden clatter of running down the stairs like a wounded wildebeest. Lucy appears in just her knickers and a vest, blonde hair bundled into a bun.
