Page 47 of Did My Love Life Shrink in the Wash?
I’ve been saving that for the right time, Mum.
Sean returns him to me in haste while that wonderful sweet smell of baby crap permeates the nostrils. You choose your moments, little man.
‘Mate, did I do something wrong? Did I break him?’ Sean asks, panicked.
I laugh. ‘No, he just crapped himself, like babies do.’
Sean’s face reads shock and confusion. ‘Oh. Well, that’s beyond my pay scale. Go forth and do your mum thing.’
‘Will do. Go be a teacher. And, Maccers, don’t be a stranger.’ We then share a look I can’t quite describe. A baby has come between us, hasn’t it? ‘Come to that party.’
‘Try to stop me, Miss C.’
He salutes me as I gather my belongings hurriedly before anyone else in the staff room can shame my infant son for the smell. Right, where does one change a baby in a school? Do I go out to the car? The sports field? I’m pretty sure there are no change tables in this place so I duck into a girls’ toilet, trying to work out the logistics before I meet with the headteacher. I hear hushed voices go quiet as I enter but hey, I’m not in teacher mode. Not yet. You kids should be in your first lessons. I pretend to ignore them and find a space on the floor to change Joe, unfolding my change mat and laying him down with all the grace associated with my lack of co-ordination.
You rascal of a baby, this is not good. I see the dark yellow shadow of something against his jeans and try awkwardly to remove his clothes. I’ll have to burn them. I don’t know if I even have enough wipes. Maybe I can dangle his little baby butt in the sink and rinse him down. I tussle with bags and nappies, struggling to find a change of clothes for him. Did I recharge this bag with new clothes? I bloody hope I did, or Joe will be presented to the head of my school swathed in a scarf like Gandhi.
Finding some wipes, I clean the worst off my hands. Loo roll, that will help. I hook Joe over my arm and grab a whole roll, throwing the used wipes in the loo, and flush. No. That was a bad move. A really bad move. They’re not flushing, are they? I look down the toilet. Please don’t. I close the lid and pray silently to the toilet gods as I return to Joe. Now is the perfectly perfect time for a stream of urine to arch over me and my clothes.
‘Aaaaargggh…’ I half mumble, looking up at him as he smiles at me.But such fun, Mum. Look how high I can whizz, it’s like a fountain.‘Why can’t you do this at home? You little…’
But before I can possibly swear at my baby, a hand appears behind me offering a stack of paper towels. Looking up, it’s Imogen from my form room.
‘You alright, Miss?’ Her expression reads both horrified and scarred. I use one of the towels to protect Joe’s modesty.
‘Thank you, Imogen.’ I glance over but see the shape of the other shoes hiding in the cubicle. They’re boys’ shoes. She notices me looking.
‘I can see you. You can come out.’ The lad shuffles out quietly. ‘Harvey.’
‘Are you going to tell on us, Miss?’
Both of them look down at me as I try to be an adult, change my infant son, all while hiding the piss patch that’s appeared on my dress.
‘I need more paper towels, Imogen. Like, just hand me the whole stack.’
Imogen looks at me curiously.
‘I’m going to assume you two weren’t in there discussingMacbeth?’ I tell them.
Harvey giggles nervously.
‘Are you dating?’ I ask.
‘We are,’ Harvey replies. I like how he says that so definitively. For a boy who’s normally so quiet, of this much he was sure. I like the way it makes Imogen smile too. Joe starts kicking his legs about and I try and wrap him up in paper towels like a mummy to absorb the worst of the mess.
‘Well, that is cute but time and place, kids. Nicer venues to court a lady than the school toilets too.’
I think back to a time when not so long ago, my boyfriend milked me in a public loo. My boyfriend. Such thoughts lead me to think of that nugget of information I learned about Will from Sean and it fills me with a deep sadness. Did he lie to me? Harvey and Imogen still stand there awaiting their punishment, watching as Joe puts his hands all over the messy nappy by his side.
‘Joooooooeeeeee…’
Harvey bends down and starts to help me wipe the floor and walls down. How can someone so tiny make such mess?
‘Go to your first lesson. Never speak of this – especially to the caretakers because I may have blocked a toilet. If I hear some rumour circulating on Snapchat that Miss Callaghan’s baby shat like Etna all over the girls’ loos in the east wing then I’ll tell your heads of year. Deal?’
They both smile.
‘And before you go…’ I think of Will again. What advice to give two young people who want to spend every minute of every day with each other? Who are still bathing in the warm bask of first love? I want to tell them to enjoy it, have fun, absorb all those cheeky texts and messages. Be present, be grateful, be spontaneous.
