Page 79 of Did My Love Life Shrink in the Wash?
I glug at my bottle nearby and watch Joe as he looks over, concerned.Be good to this one, Aunty Lucy, she’s all I have at the minute.
‘And we’re back into some jumping jacks.’
‘With my norks? I’ll take an eye out.’
‘Then slowly, less jumping. Legs out, hold on to your core.’
I do as I’m told but can feel the elastic on my bra begging me to stop. How do I hold on to my core? Isn’t that my spine? Or is that my stomach? Whatever it is, it’s begging me to stop.
‘It hurts, Luce.’
‘That’s your fat cells dying.’
‘It’smedying. Maybe we should have gone for a spirited walk instead?’
‘You could have done that with your old man BFF neighbour. I bought a bus ticket to get here. Now, walk outs.’
I drop to the floor. My arms take on slow pounding motions like you’d expect the legs of a brontosaurus to make on the ground. This is not dignified. I am not doing anything in time to the music either because I can’t hear it; just my heartbeat and my cells crying out for mercy.
‘Use the rhythm of the—’
‘Seriously, piss off…’
‘You’re a moody bitch when you’re exercising, eh?’
I pick up my water bottle and throw it at her. She dodges it which is something she’s learnt from many years’ experience as the youngest sister. I see some dog walkers mooch past watching, talking in whispers. Bleep. Thank almighty crap for that. I collapse to the floor and curl up into the foetal position. The coolness of the hard autumn ground is my only friend here. I don’t even know if I’m sweating or crying.
‘And now flutter kick squats. These are different to the squats we did before.’ She does the normal squatting thing but then some strange scissor action with her legs. This takes co-ordination beyond my remit. I do one and she giggles.
‘Some of us aren’t born dancers,’ I bark in between breaths.
I look like an awkward human pretzel, my arms moving to a different rhythm. These squats are also not good for my bottom half. I am not toned down there so I think I can feel my kidneys jump up and down too. Are those my kidneys? Or my uterus? I imagine it empty and vacant now there’s no baby in there. Or maybe it’s my…flaps. Yep, that was pleasant. I think I may have just pissed myself just a little bit. But who knows these days, I have so little connection with my nether regions that may have been a flood. I look down quite pathetically.
‘Don’t stop.’
‘I think I just wet myself.’
Lucy looks at me and keels over in laughter.
‘Don’t you dare.’
‘Oh my God, youareold.’
I have nothing else to throw at her. I am thankful for dark leggings and large tops at this present moment. Collapsing to my knees, I lie in a star shape on the floor. You know how most people post-exercise perspire and glow and look healthy? I look like I’ve been in a fight with myself. My face is burning with colour. Lucy comes to lie next to me, her head propped on my shoulder. We look up into the bright blue sky, framed by clouds, squeals of children nearby on the playground arguing about turns on swings.
‘You can have a break,’ she says.
‘Well, you and your routines officially suck. I’m still fat,’ I say, patting my belly.
She punches me in the arm. I am silent. Joe peers over at me, disappointed.
‘Am I supposed to hurt?’
‘B, you did seven minutes. We haven’t even started planking.’
‘I don’t want to plank. I’d just be holding that position and looking down at my stomach hanging like an old sofa cushion. It would be too demoralising.’
She curls herself into me. ‘You were never like this, Beth. You never cared about these things?’
