Page 80 of Did My Love Life Shrink in the Wash?
‘Maybe that was part of the problem?’
‘If Will has left you because you’ve put on a couple of pounds post-pregnancy then that says more about him; you know that, right?’
‘Maybe…’
‘Well, I think we should sign you up for fitness that’s more fun. Swimming?’
‘Then I’d have to do my bikini line.’
‘No, you don’t. I swim at the lido near Emma’s and there’s a lady who goes out with full pits and fanny. It sprouts out like alfalfa.’
‘I’d die of the shame.’
‘But that’s the point. She doesn’t care. I quite admire her for it.’
I look over at Lucy. For all her faults, she has this inner shield, she never lets the outside affect her, and she frankly couldn’t give a flying fudge what people think. I wish she could just hand me a portion of that.
‘You need to fall in love with yourself again, B. Are you masturbating?’
‘Luce!’
‘I’ll take that as a no. Like where do you get any joy then? You’re starving your body of pleasure.’
‘Food, obviously. Carbs mostly.’
She narrows her eyes at me. ‘Your body did something brilliant and gave us Joe, you now need to connect back with it, learn to love it. How can you let anyone else poke it if you can’t poke it yourself?’
Crude, if true. ‘But it’s different down there.’
‘Gaping?’
I punch her on the arm.
‘Just remember, you’re fab,’ she continues. ‘I love you and that’s really all that should matter.’
It does, more than she knows.
‘This is fun though. Coming here, watching you whizz yourself. I know I’m focusing all my time on Ems at the minute but I can come round any time. We can hang out in the park like this. I don’t have to shout at you.’
‘Can you bring crisps?’ I ask.
‘Obviously. And my music and a few tinnies. We can smoke that eighth of weed you gave me and heckle boys.’
‘With a baby? Classy.’
‘Oooh, I know!’ She reaches for her phone and the song turns to ‘Juice’ by Lizzo. She starts to sing along to the lyrics, smiles at me, then drags me to my feet.
‘Dance!’ she orders.
‘I’m not a performing monkey.’
She turns the music up.
‘We’ll get thrown out of the park,’ I tell her.
‘And?’
I sense this happens to her a lot. I sidestep awkwardly.
