Page 43 of Am I Allergic to Men?
‘That’s not the point. I did love you, once. You were a top girl.’
‘I still am.’
There’s a moment of silence as he studies my face, knowing it’s time for him to get out. We’re done here. Leave the chocolates though. I’m owed that much. In the bedroom next to ours, I hear hushed whispers through the wall as Beth, Grace and Mum are obviously vying to hear what’s happening. Is that clapping? It’s certainly Beth trying to bargain with Mum to stay in the room and not get stuck in.
‘Well, whatever happens, I do hope you get better, Luce,’ he tells me, smiling. That smile hasn’t changed. It was cheeky and I would have done anything for it. Once. I might wave back. Au revoir, shithead.
He leaves, Emma following him out and I hear his footsteps on the stairs. Trip-trap-trippity-trap and the front door opens and slams shut. Faces appear at the door. I lie back. Memories that I thought were important are just meaningless or a small little corner piece in a much bigger puzzle. I’m exhausted but glad I didn’t end up with him with identi-kids in matching shoes and my name tattooed on his neck.
‘Are you OK, Lucy?’ Grace asks.
‘You’re telling me you all had some group brawl in a nightclub?’ our mother asks. Mum seems to have not been filled in on some of the detail of that night. ‘You told me Meg got that black eye because she fell out of a minicab drunk. She was a mother!’
The sisters’ eyes look in different directions of the room.
‘And we’re not allowed back there?’ I enquire.
‘Oh, we are. Oceana closed and changed into something else. But you jumped on a bouncer’s back after he tried to forcibly remove Meg, threw up on him and broke a table. Apparently, they used to have your face on a poster in the entry booth. But it didn’t matter. Weeks later, you went to university,’ explains Beth.
It was like Josh never existed. He got removed from memory and replaced by men with aubergines for willies, dressed up as Batman.
‘Gracie – go get her eggs on…’ Mum tells her, studying my face. I don’t know what I need at this precise moment but my mother seems to think it’s protein. ‘I never liked him. He had that arrogant man energy, he had some sort of garage street name for me that was funny to him but no one else.’
‘Madame Fee-Cee,’ I suddenly recall.
Beth tries to stifle her laughter.
‘I’m glad the pertinent things have stuck, Lucy. It sounded like faeces. He was basically calling me human waste. He had no respect for this house or you. He was lucky we let him back in,’ Mum says, gesturing to Beth, who wonders how productive her intervention really was.
‘Well, it’s done now. I now know what happened. I know I’m not in love with him. I just have to piece together all those uni years. God, did I really slash his tyres?’ I say.
That feels like my sort of energy but I’m glad, for one night only, the sisters were a part of that. That we were all one big gang, taking on the world, getting thrown out of joints. But a face pops up from behind, having skipped up the stairs.
‘No, I did,’ Emma says, grimacing. ‘I used a scalpel too.’
Beth laughs uncontrollably. My mother might shake her hand.
10
‘So you collapsed. Yet you’re still alive. I don’t know why you are moaning at me…’
I really bloody dislike you, Igor. I don’t think your mother even liked you if she gave you a name like that. He stands over me in this exercise studio, watching as I balance on one leg trying to stretch out my calves.
‘I collapsed because I was walking and my body obviously isn’t ready for full exercise.’
‘You’re so full of crap. That was two weeks ago. You collapsed because you’re not eating well – it’s in your notes. You don’t want to exercise because you hate me and the control I have over you. Now stretch before I tell your sister.’
I lunge to the side, grimacing a little but maybe not as much as before because I think some of this might be working and my body might be coming back to life. I will not admit this much to Igor though. He watches and makes a note on his stupid clipboard, the one I usually imagine smashing into his face.
‘Good, Lucy. We’ll call it a day there.’
‘I think you just paid me a compliment.’
‘You think I did.’
Today, they’ve shipped me into town to some fancy rehab gym with a pool so I can have a full workout and I suspect some of my sisters can spend some time with children and husbands and not have to babysit me. What’s it like all living together again? It feels like home. I like these new habits we have of getting into comfy clothes and ‘binging’ TV shows together, sharing chocolate and wine. Other times, it’s Mum questioning who hasn’t flushed a toilet and Grace falling out of a bed because Beth rolled over and kicked her out. But unfortunately none of this shared living experience or meeting Josh aka Dickface in real life after all these years, has brought back any memories so we have to dig further.
After I shower up today, I’m going down the road to meet Tony, an old uni friend who I hear my mother was very sad I didn’t end up with. This is a surprise given my mother takes a combative stance with any man who tries to infiltrate her clan but apparently I’ll know when I meet him. He’s charming, can speak four languages and he once told my mum a dirty Christmas joke about snowmen that she still uses to this day, which is a shock as Mum doesn’t really do smut. Or jokes.
