Page 48 of Am I Allergic to Men?
‘It’s just… are you two together?’ says one boldly. Bold because that’s some haircut on him. Did his barber have a stroke in the middle of that trim? ‘Like, how does that work? What with him being a midget?’
Tony smiles. You can tell this isn’t the first time he’s heard this and it’s not like him to rise to the drunken bullshit of two crapbags. But there’s something in me that’s riled instantly. Not only because I feel defensive of this man I’ve literally only just met but because their comments are derogatory and devalue both of us completely. It’s only then I realise why Tony is smiling.Don’t rile, Lucy. You really shouldn’t, boys.
‘We’re married,’ I tell them, completely po-faced.
The grins get wiped off their faces pretty quickly as I nestle into Tony and link an arm around his. I think I actually hear one of them physically gulp.
‘Look, we was just asking…’
‘Nah, you were taking the piss. Because this one, I’ll tell you a secret…’ I say, pointing to Tony and leaning over the table, ‘Some of the best wang I’ve ever had. I’ll be thinking of you needle dicks when he’s giving me some later…’
I pause for a moment when I say this. Needle dicks. I don’t quite get why. Tony shrugs at the blokes in question. One of them looks like he wants to start something but isn’t sure which one he should be taking on.
‘All right, calm down, Snow White.’
‘Actual dick for brains. Can you believe this one?’ I say, turning to Tony, who laughs under his breath.
I hope the actual Snow White does this for her mates. Hell, maybe that should be part of my princess act. Come on then, lads. My teeth are gritted, energy in my veins like I want to punch something.
‘Bi––’
But before the man even has a chance to have the word leave his very mouth, Tony gives the table a nudge. It’s a brilliant move because it’s enough to hit one in the man bits and for my drink to spill and splash the other in the crotch so he looks like he’s had an unfortunate accident.
‘Tony!’ I shriek.
‘Lucy!’ he replies mockingly.
He laughs but senses the rest of their mates are looking over. Tony pushes me out of our cubicle, urging us to make a quick exit. He leads us around the corner to a darkened stairwell.
‘What did you just do? We’re going to get beaten up,’ I whisper.
‘And? We could take them on. I’d challenge them to a dance-off,’ he replies, keeping watch for louty football hooligans.
‘Tell me, was I lying? About the wang?’
He smirks and raises an eyebrow. ‘Wanna find out?’
11
‘You slept with Tony?’ Meg asks me, sitting next to me in the car.
‘If you mean, did he pleasure me in a pub toilet, then the answer is yes.’
Meg flares her nostrils and I grin back with all my teeth on full show, hoping it will better her big sisterly disapproval.
‘Dad was in the car outside that pub, waiting for you…’ she answers.
‘He also gave him a lift to the train station after…’ I say. ‘They spoke about the weather, it was so civil.’
Meg shakes her head at me, which is her automatic response to most things these days. But I don’t care as the memory of that evening makes me smile. The beer in our systems helped us evade the football muppets but it also gave us the bravado to sneak off to the bathroom. Tony took my hand and led me into a cubicle. I don’t feel any shame, any guilt, because it was a nice moment where someone wanted to be intimate with me, who wanted to make me feel good. He didn’t push the agenda; I saw the penis. I admired the penis. I didn’t touch the penis. We took it as far as I wanted and there seemed to be a need there to protect me more than anything and it was appreciated. It also made me grateful for thongs because, hey, access.
‘You two aren’t…’ Meg asks.
‘Dating, no? He’s gone back to his corner of the world and I know what happened there now.’
I sense Meg’s disappointment as all my family love Tony but to me it was a perfect moment. Since the accident, I haven’t felt that way towards anyone, I haven’t felt attractive or sexual, so it was beautiful for that to re-emerge in a way, for me to connect to myself again like petals unfurling on a very nervous flower.
‘And seeing him brought back nothing?’ Meg asks.
