Page 66 of Am I Allergic to Men?
‘Vee, is someone hurt?’ Emma says, rising from her bench.
But then we hear it, it’s Eve fighting with someone. Another adult? ‘I don’t care if you’re a grown-up. I don’t know you. Why do I have to respect you when you’re being so rude?’
Meg rolls her eyes to hear her daughter’s tones and rises from her bench but, as we look over, we see Joe sobbing at the top of a giant inflatable slide, his other cousins doing their best to pacify him. Beth dashes over.
‘I don’t care if there’s a queue. He’s a baby and he’s scared,’ shouts Tess, getting stuck in.
Meg smiles as the woman her daughters seem to be harassing rolls her eyes, looking around to find out who these little firecrackers belong to. Joe is sitting in an older cousin’s lap, his arms gripped tightly around her as he bounces down, a big mass of limbs and giggles right into Beth’s arms and she wipes his panic-stricken face down.
‘Are these your daughters?’ asks the angered lady in the queue, arching towards Beth, gunning for this fight. She really wants to do this? Meg and I know exactly what we need to do and we head over leaving Emma and my mother sitting there, wondering what sort of event will have us barred from Kew for life.
‘They’remydaughters,’ Meg announces, walking over.
‘Then you need to teach them some manners.’
Tess’s face goes a bright puce colour. ‘Mum, she was being awful. Joe went up there and freaked out and she told her kids at the top to just push him down. Who does that? He’s literally a baby.’
Her kids run in circles beside her. They’re not in the near vicinity of quality as my nieces and nephews. ‘Everyone was waiting to use the slide. Maybe if he was supervised properly by adults then we wouldn’t have this problem.’
Meg and I look at each other and laugh.
‘I don’t understand what’s so funny. Your girls need to learn some respect. They’re very rude.’
Meg is on a light simmer. She never blows over completely. It’s a frothy mix of complete disdain and the storm is brewing. It’s going to be quick, sharp but very very painful.
‘Girls, where are your manners? I taught you better.’
Eve looks like she might break things. ‘I’m not saying sorry.’
‘No, thank me for giving you the tools to deal with witchy bitchies like this. You are so welcome and I am so very proud.’
Her girls beam. The woman immediately looks horrified. I may laugh a bit louder.
‘This is a children’s play area. I’m going to report you.’
‘To who?’ Eve asks. ‘The Kew Gardens police?’
The young girl makes a very good point but, gosh, look at you. I adore you. The queue assembled for said slide doesn’t even move, I think they feel this is far better entertainment.
‘Well, the slide is free now. Why don’t you trot on up there? I’ll take a great pleasure in pushing you down,’ I contribute.
‘Are you threatening me?’ she shrieks.
I place my upturned palms into the air and shrug. ‘I believe you just told your children to do that to my three-year-old nephew. And I wouldn’t push, love. I’d kick you so hard you’d launch like a space shuttle.’
Meg closes her eyes. Whilst she stepped over the line and gave her a firm what-for, I’ve barged my way through. The line is very far behind me, faint and in the distance.
‘That is a threat. Did people hear that?’ She takes out her phone, pointing it in my direction. A hand appears to block the lens. Meg. That’s some reflexes, like a bloody cat. She points the camera at Tess instead.
‘Get that phone away from my daughter,’ Meg warns her.
‘I’ll do what I like…’
And that is when it kicks off, true Callaghan style. These incidents happen once in a blue moon. I hear it went down like this when Emma had finally had enough of her cheating husband, Simon, and we all confronted him one Christmas. Mum broke his nose. And a memory suddenly bubbles up of all my girls standing around me, the lights are purple for some reason, I’m in a bandeau top, there’s a song I know in my head like lift music. I know this song. But Meg’s voice is louder, tearing me away from my memory. Beth is trying to level it all out and failing. A boy has just said something to Eve. And there’s a left hook. Good arm, girl. Did Maya just bite someone? It’s a big mess of voices and insults. Where do I fit into all of this? I turn and Emma and Mum are sitting there shaking their heads at all of us. The line behind us disperses. The man with the straw hat and the boater has his phone out filming it all. Professional. We’re going to be banned from this place. And I don’t know how and why I do this but it feels right, to soak up the last of the sun, and I grab Joe and Maya.
‘Come with me,’ I whisper. We run over to the slide and we climb the dodgy ladder to the top. Joe’s eyes search for me. This wasn’t a good idea the first time round and it’s high, Aunty Lucy. But look at the view, little Joe. Look how we can see all the trees and all the buildings and all the sky. Don’t look down. I wrap my arms tightly around his tense little body. Why is that man waving his cane at me?
‘LET’S GO DOWN TOGETHER!’ Maya shrieks.
