Page 9 of Am I Allergic to Men?
‘I took two of my nieces once. We went on the night that they turn off the lights and your teeth glow.’ Trampoline parks are handed to me as most of my sisters’ pelvic floors can’t take it.
‘How many nieces do you have?’
‘Seven and two nephews.’
‘That’s a lot. Are you the fun aunt?’
Like I said, super smart, this girl. ‘I like to think so.’
‘That’s cool.’ Ophelia goes quiet for a moment and my heart bleeds for her. You can almost feel the sadness radiating off her.Tell me everything, I want to say.But there’s only so long I can stay in this cubicle, lovely. I can’t make this better for you, not here. That thought alone makes me a bit upset.
‘I could trip Saskia up? Throw a cupcake at her like a baseball? I’ve got good pitch.’
She cups her hands to her mouth at the thought.
‘I’m sorry she’s such a cow. Is her mum a cow? Usually they come in pairs.’
‘Her mum was the first female vice president at JP Morgan. She recently split up from her husband because she was sleeping with her barre teacher and they had to sell their holiday home in Marbella.’
‘Oh, so a primo cow then?’
She giggles again. I shift into a crouching position and take her hands in mine.
‘Ophelia, you will come across women like that sometimes. Ones who are not very nice at all. I will never get them, ever. But you can’t let them bring you down, you just can’t.’
‘I heard her mum make fun of my teeth before. I know they’re a bit wonky but she told me that a princess would never have teeth like mine.’
I see her tongue scooping at the inside of her mouth, young, self-conscious shoulders slumping down.
‘A grown woman said that about you? So she’s not a cow, she’s a different sort of animal.’
Her eyes widen. ‘Like a female dog?’
‘I never said that. Don’t repeat that.’
She shakes her head in what I think is awe and wonder.
‘Next time she says that, you reply with “Well, I can fix my teeth, it’s a shame they can’t fix your personality.”’
I say that cocking my head to one side. There’s a little spark in her eye. That’s not even my best retort, I have lockers of the things. Thank the sisters for that. My wit is as razor sharp as they come, literally like a new razor, out of the box. If she wants, I can go out there and take this girl and her mum down for her. I wouldn’t even charge extra on top of my normal fee.
‘Can you talk to your mum about this?’ I ask.
‘My mum and Penelope play tennis together.’
Of course they do. I bet they play a light match where they don’t break out in a sweat and then sit in a sauna together and end the date with a Caesar salad. Without the dressing or the bacon.
‘I think you are more important to your mum than Penelope Stanton.’ The look she returns makes my heart break a little. Oh, Ophelia. ‘It can’t hurt to at least say what’s been happening?’
‘Maybe. I just need to get through this circus first,’ she says calmly.
Who is this child? I like her. I wish I could take her to a trampoline park. We could go dressed like this, imagine how high our skirts could fly up.
‘What about sisters? Brothers?’ I ask.
‘My brother, Lysander, is in boarding school. He got in on a chess scholarship. We don’t see him much.’
I don’t know how to respond to that. Does Lysander play his chess in a velveteen feathered cap, write with a quill and own a very small beard? Instead, I extend my hands and pull her up.
