Page 55 of How Much Wine Will Fix My Broken Heart?
‘Hello hello,’ a voice suddenly says beside me. It’s Sam. ‘I’m so late. I had a meeting. What have I missed?’
With everything that’s been going on recently, I haven’t seen Sam as much, though the beauty of our arrangement means he’s not been offended. If anything he’s revealed himself to be a lovely friend, offering to help with lifts, shopping and the like. I don’t have the time to question if I’ve missed him or not though because, as I look around the classroom, it’s clear the other parents’ interests have been piqued by Sam’s appearance and the fact he’s gravitated towards me. Helen looks over and waves animatedly. Orlagh and Carrie’s expressions could turn things into stone.
‘Hello. You’re late. You missed the story. We readThe Day the Crayons Left.’
‘Read it,’ he says, smiling. ‘It’s good to see you in the flesh for once. I feel like I only get flashes of you at the gate at the moment.’
‘That sounds like I flash you at the gate.’
‘Now that would cause a scene.’
I want to continue this line of repartee but I am still wary that people have shifted their attentions away from the craft for a small moment to spy on us.
‘So, you know I said that Orlagh knew about us. Did you knoweveryoneknows about us?’
‘Oh…’ He glances up as everyone pretends to look away. ‘Ohhhh… should we not sit together? I don’t know what to do.’
‘Well, maybe don’t go full snog, right now…’
He laughs. Orlagh’s face turns a funny shade of plum.
‘She’s also been spreading some rumour that I’m stalking her and pooed in her handbag,’ I tell him.
He scrunches his face up. He’s already familiar with what happened after I sent him a series of frantic texts. ‘Really?’
I don’t know if he says that from disbelief that his ex would lie or because he thinks I’m capable of such a thing.
‘You know,’ he says, ‘she’s not said anything about the swimming-pool incident to me. Almost like she’s trying to hide it or…’
‘She doesn’t want to let on that she’s upset by all of this. Look, go to her… Today’s about the kids. Don’t mind me.’
I can’t quite read his expression – is it disappointment or confusion? Either way, he slinks away to join Orlagh and when he goes over she greets him in a very loud and animated fashion. Is that a kiss on the cheek? Even Sam looks confused but he glances back at me and smiles faintly.
‘Fanny, Arse, Minge, Idiot, Lube, Yackface… Done,’ Helen says as she sits down next to me, looking at the poem sheet.
‘That’s a winning poem. What is a Yackface?’ I ask.
‘Yack means vomit in my house but if we’re talking about the other sort of yak then you probably don’t want to look like that either. Your boyfriend in the house then?’ she says cheekily.
Orlagh currently has her legs entwined with her ex-husband’s, eyeballing me narkily with her super-pointy chin. Sam appears like a very scared meerkat, wrapped in a python.
‘Block it out. Let’s write another poem… I can think of other words beginning with f, if you want?’ Helen says, brandishing a crayon.
‘I’m just a bit sad. He’s not quite over her. I’m angry that she’s going to take advantage and worm her way back into his life.’
Orlagh has an arm around him now. That’s the problem. I don’t love him inthatway but I care enough as a friend to want his heart to remain intact.
‘Then that’s his mistake to make. A fool can see that she’s all over him now because she believes there’s some great competition between the both of you. And I’d shag you over her any day of the week.’
‘Why thank you. I am flattered.’
‘You free next Tuesday?’
‘I can find a gap after I’ve had my washing machine fixed. Bring biscuits.’
She cackles loudly and some of the parents turn to us.
‘Even with Carrie, you can see that she’s jealous of you, right?’
