Page 61 of How Much Wine Will Fix My Broken Heart?
‘Really?’ he asks.
‘What are you implying? How very rude. It’s not urine,’ Emma says, trying to maintain some order.
‘How do I know that?’ he replies, aggrieved.
‘Come and smell it,’ Lucy suggests.
‘I don’t think that would be appropriate, Madame.’
‘Don’t “Madame” me. You’re accusing one of us of taking a slash in your hot tub?’ Lucy comes out of the water at this point and stands next to him. I turn around. Please don’t hit him. The bikini clings to her without much room for imagination. He looks at each and every one of us in turn until his gaze fixes on me.I know you.
‘Jordan. You’re Jordan,’ I say.
It’s Orlagh’s boyfriend. However, the way he looks at me makes me think he has no idea who I am. Youth. We met in a bar where you wore impossibly skinny jeans with suede loafers with no socks. I was with a loud Australian.
‘You told us you worked at a cinema?’
The sisters study my face. We’ll blame the champagne, the general humidity for my forwardness.
‘I did? How do I know you?’ he asks me, confused.
‘Orlagh Headley. My kids go to school with hers and you’re…’
‘You’re Sam’s new bird.’
‘I guess. Grace.’
My sisters are uncharacteristically quiet as they watch this play out.
‘I got fired from the cinema. I was caught stealing the nachos.’
‘Oh. I’m sorry,’ I say, not really sure how to respond further.
‘Don’t tell Orlagh,’ he blurts out.
‘OK. Maybe give us a break then? I’ll promise we’ll try and behave ourselves.’
I scan Lucy’s face. The key word there istry. Have I managed to get us out of this mess? I am not sure but Jordan does a very strange thing of putting his hands on his hips, trying to ascertain what authority he has left standing there in his white polyester shorts.
‘All right then. Enjoy. Ladies. Have fun.’
He strides away, Lucy snarling and sneakily sticking a middle finger up at him. Meg pushes one of my shoulders playfully. ‘Look at you, finding your bargaining power at just the right time.’
Lucy lowers herself back into the tub. ‘Well done, G. Did he just say he stole nachos? Who the fuck steals nachos?’ she asks. ‘It’s not even real cheese.’
‘I think that’s why we were so quiet, we were slowly taking that in,’ Meg adds, trying hard to hold in her cackles.
‘How old is he?’ Beth asks, seeming to question the legality of his relationship with Orlagh.
‘He’s twenty,’ I say through gritted teeth. We all try and rewind our minds to think what it used to be like to be that age.
‘So Sam’s wife is shagging that and you’re shagging Sam,’ Lucy says, laying it all out plainly for us. Their faces say it all. There is no competition here.
‘Or not. A school mum did tell me they may have broken up as he got crabs.’
Emma looks horrified. ‘People still get crabs? Seriously? Those polyester shorts can’t help. Lordy, the friction.’
We all look covertly in his direction.
