Page 72 of How Much Wine Will Fix My Broken Heart?
It’s a message from Sam forwarding a screenshot from a WhatsApp chat. There’s a picture of me and Astrid in the restaurant. Astrid leans into me so the angle looks like we’re about to kiss. The text under it reads:Spotted! I don’t know the popular term for these things any more? Bisexual? Pansexual?
I can’t even comprehend what I’m looking at.
What are you doing up?
I’ve been bingeing The Queen’s Gambit like a sad case. Helen just texted it to me as she saw it in another WhatsApp group and didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry. It’s a really shitty thing of Carrie to do. She’s such a bitch.
Not lesbian by the way. She’s a gooood mate of mineee.
My fingers hover over the screen and I forward the picture Astrid took of Ross and Liz in the restaurant.
And this is who took the picture…
Wow. Seriously? Are they?
Posssssibly.
What are you doing up?
I’m on a nigt out. Currently tying to get my sister offfff The Matttthew.
Righto. And least you’re with people and you’re safe. Sounds wilder than my night. Am now obsessed with chess. Are you OK?
Because Carrie has told everyone I’m a lesbian? I’ll live.
He replies with a line of laughing emojis.
How would you lure a group of drunk prrirates off a ship?
With rum and a pot of gold, no? Enjoy. Here if you need me. Love you xx
I stop to read those words at the end of the message. Oh. I mean, it’s the early hours and I’m drunk but I didn’t think we’d got to that stage yet? I don’t know how to reply. I stare at my phone for a bit longer. You can love people in many different ways. I love chips but not in a romantic sense. It’s an umbrella term. You can love your friends. I love those crazy bitches on that boat, for example. But before I have a chance to reply, a beam of strong light gets my attention. Fuck. Get. Off. The. Fucking. Boat.
‘This boat is a national treasure!’
I don’t know if it’s security or the police. I see Astrid and Farah jump off the way they came in and run in the opposite direction, leaving a trail of kebab as they do. They left Lucy? Where the hell is Lucy? The man races after them and, for a brief second, I am glad they both are wearing trainers. Lucy’s head appears.
‘ABANDON SHIP!’ I hear her shriek. I don’t even know what sort of jump that is. I think it’s a star.
‘No. No. No. Lucy… Lucy!’
And then I hear a splash of water. You stupid bloody cow.
‘Lucy!’ And then a moment of panic. Lucy can swim. We had the same swimming teacher. Her name was Liz and she had a mullet. But Lucy is drunk. And wearing some pretty heavy platform boots to weigh her down. I can’t lose Lucy. I should jump in. Please, Lucy.How did your sister die? By trying to evade capture by jumping off a pirate ship.She resurfaces in the way a shark might jump to catch a seagull for its dinner.
‘FUCK! IT’S REALLY FUCKING COLD!’
I run over to a ladder that leads into the water and climb down a couple of rungs.
‘Here, swim here! Can you swim?’
‘I can’t, urrrgh. Are there fish in here?’
‘Yes, sharks. Swim, you stupid bloody bitch.’
She does a mistimed front crawl over to me. I don’t want to tell her she’s probably swimming through a disintegrated stew of my own chunder.
As her hand reaches the ladder, I pull her up and she lands on the docks in a wet heap, still laughing. I immediately wrap my arms around her, crying.
