Page 80 of How Much Wine Will Fix My Broken Heart?
‘They don’t go off.’
‘I believe they do.’
‘Just eat one, you fussy cow. Now remind me, did I sleep with Doug?’ she continues, her voice lowered. ‘After that concert…’
The voices of my girls and Doug drift over as they try to search out some elusive lynx. ‘How am I supposed to know? I wouldn’t have been there. And why am I only finding this out now? You slept with Doug?’
She seems amused at how the questions pour out of me. ‘Possibly. We were very drunk at that concert. My memory is like porridge these days. I definitely slept with someone in Bristol. It wasn’t Tom.’
‘Well, I’m glad to hear that much. You sound like Lucy…’ I tell her.
‘No, Lucy remembers everything. She’d be able to tell us how long it went on for and the exact angles of his cock when erect,’ she says, descending into giggles. ‘Don’t make me laugh. I’ll have to go to the bloody toilet again.’
We stop for a moment to look at the red pandas, poised on their logs, waiting to be photographed and admired.
‘Want to hear some gossip?’
‘Always.’
‘Mum and Meg had words last night,’ she continues.
‘I’ll assume they weren’t good words.’
‘Maybe I shouldn’t tell you. But Mum had had too much Chablis and basically said the memorial was a really shit idea. She tore it down.’
I’d swing my head around in shock but a red panda over the way has made eye contact with me. It feels rude to break its gaze. To be fair, it’s not a surprise. It sounds just like something our mother would say; she’s not one for holding back what she thinks. A tiger might be a natural comparison but she’s more like an elephant. She loves her herd. She’d stampede anyone who gets in their way with particular force. I was there when she broke Emma’s ex-husband’s nose on that Christmas day when her marriage fell apart. God, he was a class-A dick. There was actual blood. It was excellent. It was big Mama Callaghan energy.
‘And what did Meg say?’ I ask.
‘She’d also been on the Chablis so they had it out. She called Mum insensitive, possibly a bitch. Emma chipped in. Then Mum talked about how, when she died, she didn’t want fuss, which was lovely and macabre. And then we all played Scrabble and Lucy trumped all that drama by putting down the word “flange”. It was a fun evening.’
I squeeze her hand. You can imagine she was the referee no one really listened to.
‘But why would she say that? She won’t make a scene, will she? On the day?’ I ask.
‘No. I don’t think so. I think she just wants to protect you. She doesn’t want you to feel all that grief again, all that sadness. None of us do.’ She reaches down and holds my hand. ‘It’s classic Mum, though, eh? I find she likes to throw herself in the path of all these crashing emotions.’
I smile to hear it said like that. While Meg and Lucy always fought my mum’s protective streak, I always thought us three in the middle tolerated it a little better.
‘True. But she can’t be there all the time. Her girls are out in the big wild world and sometimes shit things will happen. She just has to be there to pick us up when it all goes wrong,’ I add.
The red panda, gnawing on a bit of bamboo, looks over at us philosophising.Girls, keep it light. We’re at the zoo. Just take a selfie with me and move on.
‘Dad is good at the picking-up,’ says Beth.
‘That he is. So are you.’
‘I am?’ she says, mildly surprised.
‘You used to bring me doughnuts when Tom first died. Single jam doughnuts in bags. There really is nothing comparable to that as a gift.’
She pouts, knowing I’m trying to divert her attention away from the serious chat. ‘But I do worry about you. Being here in Bristol, alone. I worry you don’t have us around to help with the picking-up.’
I think what it would be like if the gang were at my beck and call, all of the time. The babysitting perks would be tremendous but we’d earn a reputation on some mafia-style level. I turn to face her.
‘I’m not alone. I’ve never been alone.’
The thing is, I know that if things ever get particularly bad then I have all of them on speed dial. They’d drop what they were doing and they’d come to be by my side. This. This week of them tolerating this strange holiday/living situation is evidence of that.We’re here, Gracie.
