Page 86 of How Much Wine Will Fix My Broken Heart?
‘I think I’m good, little one. Thank you.’
‘You are very welcome.’ She smiles then claps her hands ‘Now chop-chop…’ she says, doing her very best impression of me.
* * *
‘Callaghan!’ Doug waits for me outside the entrance of the school, an arm in the air to alert me to his presence. He didn’t go yellow but I like how New York has affected his styling. When I knew him in Bristol, he was overly fond of a hoodie and stained tracksuit bottoms that had holes in awkward areas. Today, there is some smart tailoring going on. He comes in for a hug as I get close.
‘Looking lovely, as always.’
‘Smooth. But thank you.’
‘Now tell me, this didn’t always look like this, did it?’
I shake my head. The Latymer Academy. Tom loved this place, the kids, the work. There was stress involved in secondary education but he had a plethora of stories about the kids. I’d never seen him as excited as when he was marking a piece of work and he’d been able to teach a child the right use of an interesting rhetorical question.
‘I feel old looking at this place.’
I put an arm around him. ‘Well, we are.’
We walk over to the entrance to the school and there stands Mr Harrison, Tom’s old headteacher. He was always very gracious to me. He came to the funeral and wrote such lovely words on behalf of the school. He’s also six foot seven, which makes me wonder how he manages with the majority of doorways and buying trousers. He must surely sew extra bits on the ends of the legs.
‘Oh, Grace… so lovely to see you. You look wonderful.’
‘You too, Mr Harrison. This is Doug Murray. He was a very good friend of Tom’s who’s visiting from New York.’
They shake hands as I look out into the courtyard. Everything is set up, glasses lined up with bottles of wine stacked behind, chairs for about a hundred people and a stage with a podium and a giant picture of Tom’s face. Joyce went with the LinkedIn salesman pic then. I smile to see it.Hi, I’m Tom and I can help you get a great deal on a conservatory.
‘So, I am so glad you came down early for this. Did Joyce explain what was happening?’
‘She didn’t actually,’ Doug explains. ‘I thought I was here to put out chairs.’
‘Oh…’ Mr Harrison says, thoughtfully. ‘Well, as long as you’re all right to speak into a camera?’
He starts walking through the school as we follow him, Doug shifting me a look. I thought we were here to receive the catering. Camera? This isn’t good. I haven’t gone full make-up today, I’ve not prepared for this. Is it live? If it is then I need to ring people to tell them to switch on the television. Doug ambles through the school corridors curiously. I can hear a hum of voices behind two closed doors and they suddenly open. Oh. OK. There in front of me stand about one hundred boys all in their PE kits. We’re here to watch a basketball match? A competitive bout of dodgeball maybe? There are cameras set up and some screens dotted about the room too. A lady with a clipboard scurries over to introduce herself.
‘Hi, I’m Bethan! I’m fromPoints Westwith the BBC and we are so glad you could be here today. When Joyce told us you’d be coming down, we were so thrilled.’
Joyce, Joyce, Joyce. Has she completely ambushed me? Doug looks around the room.
‘And you are?’ Bethan asks him.
‘Oh, I’m a friend. So you’re doing a news report on the memorial later?’ he asks curiously.
‘Well, yes, to celebrate the opening of the new wing, but we’ve also got some representatives from a testicular cancer charity and some of the teachers and boys from the sixth form are here. They’re going to run through an exercise of teaching the boys how to feel for irregularities in their own balls.’
Oh. Doug bites his lip and eyeballs me. That’s a lot of testicles. I mean, this is important, so very important, and a productive side effect of Tom’s death, but I am confused as to why I’m here. Do they want me to watch? I’m not a teacher but I think this goes against safeguarding protocol.
‘So you want us to…’ I double-check in case she thinks I’m an authority on this. Obviously, I wasn’t at the time.
‘Oh, we just wanted some soundbites. It’ll be such a good, informative feature…’
I nod. Maybe in the corridor, though? Right? A few of the teachers and students look over to me. What are they going to do? Are they all going to do it at once? Or are they lining up and someone is going around with a rubber glove? I bite my lip for a moment thinking that I’m glad Doug is here and not Lucy. This shouldn’t be funny. Oh, that’s what the screens are for? A camera in the corner of the room captures an inspection of a group of boys.
‘So, avocados. Does anyone know why they’re called avocados?’ says a voice behind the curtain.
Whose bollocks look like avocados? I’m not an expert but I think the point at which they’re green means you have a problem.
‘Avocados hang in pairs on trees, one slightly lower than the other, so they are the Aztec word for testicles. It also explains why your penis may hang to one side more than the other to account for how your balls hang.’
