Page 102 of Great Sexpectations
‘I’ve just sent my parents, Nan and Tina down. Are your parents all right?’ I ask.
‘I think I’ve lost my dad. He’s here somewhere. Did you hear about the swans?’
Swans were hired for the day to swim in the lake in front of the country house. The swans then realised they didn’t like the lake and pissed off somewhere else.
‘We found the swans.’
Dad and I found the swans. We herded them into the back of his car and got them into the lake using scraps of toast from breakfast. I hold Ruby’s hand and smile. Oh my, she’s so beautiful, but my nan is right. There is something that shines out of her eyes that speaks kindness.
‘And all those other things were sorted. The drinks delivery threw a flat tyre, that was why it was late, but that’s all sorted, your Uncle Ron isn’t lost on the A34 anymoreandwe found some vegan alternatives for your little brother for the dessert.’
Ricky apparently is politically opposed to the farming of coconuts now and made a stand. I am not sure what sort of sibling would do that before his own sister’s wedding, but the kitchen are making him a fruit salad later that I hope will be ninety per cent grapes with seeds. I know it’s all sorted because, unlike Nan, I got up this morning with my spreadsheets and made sure this day went to plan. I don’t have a headset, but I’ve had four coffees and Google Maps, so Uncle Ron is now downstairs, hopefully suited and booted and waiting for the ceremony to start.
‘I don’t know what to say, Josie… You’re amazing.’
A dog barks in my general vicinity. Thank you, Dave.
‘Just… Enjoy.’
The dog barks again. Oh dear. That wasn’t Dave telling me he thinks I’m amazing. I know that wincing, whiny bark. Seriously, Dave? Is it a number one or two? Why have we not trained you to tell us yet?
‘Ruby, I need to…’ I say, wriggling my finger about.
‘Yes… Do. I love you, thank you!’
I don’t worry too much about Ruby as she has her red army around her, but I grab my bouquet. Dog, check. Ring-bearers. Crap, where did they go? ‘Vinnie? Xander?’ I find them gawping at a screen where someone has put onDirty Dancing. Cover your eyes, lads. I don’t think you need to watch that scene just yet and don’t copy those moves later. ‘Boys, come with me. Have you got your rings?’ They both put a thumbs up at me. ‘Right, I need one of you to hold a bouquet? Can you do that?’ They nod again. I give them the flowers and we head down the corridor.
‘Josie!’ It’s Ricky Reynolds coming out of his bedroom, in a tux and still that smug, unlikeable grin about him. You gave me extra work this morning, this means I don’t like you. ‘You look amazing!’
‘Thank you… So do you? I sorted your coconut crisis thing…’ I say, trotting along in my heels, the boys and dog by my side.
‘You absolute star. Dance later, surely?’
‘Of course!’ I sing sweetly, not wanting to cause any friction, but if we’re being honest, I’d rather spend the evening dancing with Dave. We keep moving.
‘We still there, boys?’ I call out.
‘Yep, who was he?’ Xander asks, turning to look at him.
‘Ruby’s brother.’
‘Is he your boyfriend?’
‘Yucks, no way…’
Vinnie laughs. ‘Why are we running?’
‘Because I think Dave needs to do a wee.’
‘I think I need a wee too,’ Vinnie says.
Crap. OK. Sod pockets, I need a dress with an extra pair of hands. I should have carried a phone. We head down a staircase to an empty reception as people seem to be milling around, directing guests. Brett is an usher today, he should be around, but he’s nowhere to be seen.
‘Right, boys… Outside.’ They follow reluctantly. ‘How you feeling, Vinnie? Can you hold it?’
He jiggles on the spot. I’m going to take that as a no.
Yikes. The car park outside is full and I slip in between two cars, parked at angles that hide us from view of the main house, a glorious vision in ivy and columns. The sort of place an Austen heroine would cavort with a brooding, horse-mounted suitor called Jonquil. I’m now going to taint this scene with a grumpy urinating dog. I glare down at Dave. Come on, you little muttface. Do your thing.
