Page 41 of Great Sexpectations
I get up and put an arm in front of Sonny. ‘They’ve signed rights with another publication, you know the rules. Plus, it’s a wedding, it’s a private occasion. Have some respect,’ I try to say with some authority.
I’d like to say I’m calming the situation here with my diplomacy, but I hate confrontation so feel a little dizzy.
‘Yeah, piss off,’ Mr Li adds. ‘Feng, show him the back door.’
Feng puts a hand to his shoulder and the man shrugs it off aggressively before turning to me.
‘It’ll be a shit wedding anyway, Z-list celebs. Just column filler really. I give it a year.’
And I shouldn’t. But this seems to summon up an unhealthy amount of rage in me. Sod diplomacy. I pick up the thing closest to me and throw it at him. Quite hard. Feng ducks out of the way. Sonny inhales a large sharp intake of breath. There’s a scream. Thud. Shatter. Mr Li cackles with laughter. Oh. I didn’t realise I had the pitch.
NINE
‘It’s fine, Josie love,’ Mr Li tells me on the phone. ‘The police accept that he trespassed and it was all in self-defence. Please do not worry…’
‘I’m sorry about the glass, the damage to the wall.’
Mr Li howls over the phone. ‘Oh, it was worth it to see that man’s face. Next time I am in a fight, I want you on my team.’
I am not sure why and how often our family tailor gets into fights, but I laugh. You’re on. It turns out whilst I have incredible pitch, my aim is a little off, though. The thing I picked up to throw at the nasty, intrusive journalist was a bottle of champagne and even though I was aiming for his head, it ended up lobbing him in the crotch area and then bouncing off the floor and shattering. Nothing really hurt except a man’s pride, and possibly his ability to have sex in the next few weeks.
‘This Ruby says we need to change the outfits now that they’re in the papers. Did she tell you? She’s now sent me designs with these stupid short trousers all the men wear. What ever happened to a nice smart tuxedo?’ he asks me.
‘I’ll have a look at her emails, don’t worry. Maybe keep the kilt for yourself?’
I love the laugh on the other end of the phone. Think of the access, Mr Li.
‘You give your parents some hugs from me, yeah? I’ve got your dad down to come in three weeks’ time for his fitting. You remind him, you know what he’s like.’
‘Will do.’
He hangs up the phone and I look up Ruby’s new emails about the revised wedding suits. That may be a combat trouser. Sonny must really love that girl.
It’s been four days since I half attacked a man in Mr Li’s shop, four days since I thought I might get arrested. That reporter shouldn’t have been in the shop anyway. He should have also had better reflexes.
My phone buzzing on the table gets my attention.
Is this you?
It’s a message from Cameron with a photo from the shop melee attached. I love how in the photo that got to the papers, Sonny looks calm, almost stately in his wedding garb, whilst I have a look on my face like aliens have burst through the roof. However, I now realise the gig is up. Not the way I wanted to break it to him, but maybe this is for the best.
Yes.
That’s a huge gig. You’re planning the whole wedding? I didn’t realise you did events on that scale. I’m made up for you.
When I look down at the photo, I realise that I am clutching one of my wedding folders. I hope Sonny doesn’t see that photo and assume I thought it more important to save my wedding planning notes from the intruders and not him.
I don’t know how to reply to this message. To be fair, I am planning this wedding, this is not a lie.
I am.
So awesome, rubbing shoulders with the slebs.
He’s a really nice bloke actually. That is a terrible photo of me though, please try to erase that from memory.
I’m going to make it into a mouse mat.
I still don’t know what the state of play is with Cameron. There are random nights where we strike up a conversation at bedtime and it ends up getting quite heated and kinky and suddenly, I’m sending him pictures of me in my knickers. We don’t define it, we keep it light and frothy because essentially, it’s an escape, it makes us both happy for one small moment of the day.
