Page 67 of Great Sexpectations
‘But you seem a lovely lad. Any parent would be proud to have you as a son,’ Nan says, grabbing his hand.
Cameron looks visibly moved to hear this and squeezes her hand back.
‘You should hear what my Fabio got up to back in the day,’ Nan says. We all glare at her.
‘I’ll take some stuffing. Mum, Dad? Stuffing?’ I gabble.
‘He left school, did all sorts. I thought he was training to be a plumber. Turns out he went to work for some sort of TV company. Sneaky little thing…’
‘NAN! SPROUTS! PASS THE SPROUTS!’
Cameron looks at me strangely. I like sprouts. They are an underrated vegetable.
‘…was working in porn.’
Oh my shit. I can’t breathe. Nan? What are you doing? Not like this. I needed this to be a sincere conversation over coffee, not when I’m drunk out of my skin wearing a jumper with a robin on the front that says CHRISTMAS BIRD. This man is the best thing that’s come into my life for an age and now he’s going to walk out of that door. On Christmas. Now that’s a story for the ages. I think I’m going to throw up. Mum is crimson with the embarrassment, Dad stares Nan out. You had one job, Nan.
But before any of us can backtrack, there’s laughter.
‘That funny, is it?’ Nan asks Cameron.
It would seem it’s hysterical as he’s the same colour as the cranberry jelly.
‘Well, I thought you were on the wind-up with the Cher story, but that’s bloody brilliant,’ says Cameron. I think he might be crying. Dad and Mum don’t know whether to be relieved or offended. ‘Fabio in porn? I mean, he has the name to go with it, but don’t be silly…’
Dad shifts his eyes from side to side. Mate, I was known in the business. Reliable, staying power, an everyman quality that appealed to the masses.
I snigger awkwardly to try to mask my panic.
‘You are funny,’ he says, elbowing my nan.
‘It is known. You heard that, Josie. I am hilarious. Come on, Cam… let’s get you absolutely bladdered tonight. I can call you Cam, darling, right?’
‘Well, that was pretty…’
‘Intense?’
‘I thought it was nice. Best Christmas I’ve had in a while. Your nan is a cheating cow when it comes to Scrabble, though,’ Cameron jokes.
We’re outside in the winter cold, the inky sky above us clear and dotted with stars, these driveway meet-ups becoming all too familiar, except we won’t be diving into any hedges for a fumble. Mainly because I can’t really stand straight and I know for a fact that even though my nan told me she was going upstairs to get ready for bed, she’s really in Sonny’s old bedroom spying on us. I can see her old-lady hands from behind the curtain. Nan does cheat in Scrabble. She feels up all the letters and puts them back if she has too many vowels.
‘I got you a gift. I was too embarrassed to give it to you in the house.’ Cameron reaches into his duffel coat pocket and pulls out a small box, unwrapped. ‘Don’t panic, it’s not a ring. It’s silly, really. I just thought, I know we’re not quite going out. I don’t know what we are, but this felt right.’
I open the box and beam as I open it. It’s a Ghostbusters proton pack keyring, nothing flashy or gaudy, but the sentiment makes me smile, especially when I think what’s in my pocket. I kiss him on the cheek, then place my gift in his hands.
‘Similarly, I also have something for you. Nothing huge.’
He opens the package and his jaw drops. ‘Are these…’
‘Ghostbusters socks. They’re a bit silly, but I liked the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man’s face on them.’
He takes a moment to think that we both went out and bought similarly themed gifts, what that all means.
‘It’s fricking adorable is what it is. You’re adorable, your whole family are.’
I blush to hear him call me adorable. Is that a good word? Babies in animal hats and kittens are adorable. I hope I’m more than that.
‘We’re all right. You just have a low benchmark when it comes to comparing these things. Thank you for dancing with Nan too. That’s normally my brother’s job.’
