Page 103 of Great Sexpectations
‘Aunty Josie,’ Vinnie says, swaying.
I’m not qualified to do these things. I also don’t want to run into the ceremony room and announce that a kid needs a wee, or bring him in sodden. That’s not a good look. Or smell.
‘Vinnie… Have you ever had an adventure wee?’ I ask him.
‘No,’ he replies, looking a little apprehensive.
‘It’s basically an outside wee.’
‘We do those in the park sometimes.’
I do them at outdoor festivals, but I won’t tell them about that now. ‘Excellent.’
‘Dave is doing a wee,’ Xander says, giggling.
I look down and let out a sigh of relief that it wasn’t near my dress or on the carpet of a posh country house. Dave looks at me nonchalantly and I toss him one of the treats in my pocket. Just don’t poo during the ceremony. Do that now if you must.
‘You want me to wee like that?’ Vinnie asks me.
I chuckle. With your leg cocked like that? ‘No. Let me help with your trousers and just pee in that hedge. I won’t tell anyone. How’s your aim? Don’t pee on your shoes.’
‘Do the shakey-shakey like Dad always tells us to do,’ Xander tells his brother. He helps him with his trousers and I see them turn their backs to me. Please don’t pee down your tuxedo.
‘This is fun. Are you going to do an adventure wee too, Aunty Josie?’
I giggle. ‘I’m good.’ I notice the car we’re squatted behind has a bumper sticker about the injustice of dairy farming. Oh. I think I know who this car belongs to. ‘Here, lads, maybe pee more towards the car so no one sees you.’
Vinnie changes the angle of his stream over Ruby’s brother’s tyres. I look away, smirking.
‘Are you done?’
I turn and Xander is helping him with his trousers again. I bend down, hitching up my skirt so it doesn’t hang around the wee-soaked gravel. I tuck his shirt back in and help him straighten himself.
‘Thank you, Aunty Josie,’ he tells me and leans over to kiss my cheek.
‘It’s cool, shawty,’ I reply, smoothing over his hair. I hope this place doesn’t have CCTV.
‘Do I get a treat too, like Dave?’ he asks.
‘Hell, why not,’ I say, reaching into my pockets and getting out the sweets. ‘You get one too for helping your brother. I’m going to have one as well.’ Even though it will ruin my lipstick, I think we all need the sugar at this very moment. Dave, have another treat. Let’s go wild.
‘I think I peed because I’m nervous,’ Vinnie says.
‘Don’t be. I got you. Let’s shake it out. When I have to do an important presentation, I sometimes just shake my whole body.’
We stand there on the gravel and wriggle all that nervous energy out, the boys giggling.
‘Shall we?’ I say and they both jump up and down.
We jog over to the house, where we’re not too late. The bridesmaids and Ruby are waiting to enter the ceremony room. We made it. It’s cool. I didn’t just squat between two cars so my charges could dispense their bladders and down sweets.
Ruby searches the area for me and I wave. She waves back. Let’s go get you guys married. A door opens and Rick Astley starts up. There is a routine, that’s heavy on a shimmy and thrusting, but I did not sign up for that. That’s for her bridesmaids. I’ll hold the dog.
Inside, I can see people laughing, clapping, dancing. I’m holding two little hands, a bouquet and Dave. The logistics of this have not worked in my favour, but at least we have each other. It’s time for us. Xander dances to applause, his brother just waves to all. Dave still has no bloody idea. Those are some moves, Dad. Nan winks at me. At the end of the aisle is my little brother. No feathers, no kilt, just a black tuxedo where the trousers are maybe two inches too short. We smile at each other. Look at you, Sonny. My heart has never felt such pride.
I deliver the boys to their parents, hand over the dog to my mother and stand, waiting for the bride to enter. It is a magical moment to see her appear, gliding down that aisle. Everyone holds their breath as she gets to Sonny, a look in his eyes that he is enraptured, blissfully happy.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, welcome,’ says the celebrant. ‘We are here today to celebrate this wonderful day, a day to bring these two magnificent people, Sonny and Ruby, together in matrimony. But before we start, I believe the maid of honour and the groom’s sister, Josie, will be reading out a poem. Josie?’
