Page 104 of Great Sexpectations
I leave my bouquet on a chair and reach into my pocket. That’s not a poem. That’s a poo bag. Don’t pull that out. I pull out a piece of paper and head towards the lectern and microphone. Vinnie had a point. I should have had a wee. This is a lot of people. But people I love. Friends, family, colleagues. It’s also not a poem, it’s Ed Sheeran lyrics. But before I reach the lectern, Sonny intervenes.
‘Umm, don’t read that out. Here, I wrote something for you…’
I react with a huge open mouth. Sonny, I practised Ed Sheeran in the mirror and printed it out in a font size that I knew would lend itself to public speaking. You are killing me here. What is this? I hope you haven’t given me a limerick. I’m not reading out Nicki Minaj either.
‘Please… I’m sorry…’ he says, smiling at me.
I will have to get my revenge later, find a naked baby picture to project onto a wall. I walk up to the lectern and open the folded piece of paper, hoping he’s spellchecked this.
‘This poem is by Sonny.’
I clear my throat. All I taste are Maoams and panic. I smile at the first line.
‘One day, I asked my sister about love songs,
So we started to compile quite the list.
We managed to get to seventy-five,
I am sure there are some we’ll have missed.
Love can be endless, bleeding and burning,
“You Can’t Hurry Love”… that’s true.
You can be “Crazy in Love”, “Addicted to Love”,
And “I… Will Always Love You”.
“Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?”
“Can You Feel the Love Tonight?”
“Where is the Love?”
“Who Do You Love?”
“My Love”,
“Love at First Sight”.
It’s a “Crazy Little Thing Called Love”,
“Love On Top”,
“Love is in the Air”,
“All You Need is Love”,
“Love Me Tender”,
“All in Love is Fair”…’
I take a deep breath and the crowd laugh.
‘“How Deep is Your Love?”
“Make Me Feel Your Love”,
