Page 46 of Great Sexpectations
The panic in my eyes means she doesn’t finish that sentence.
‘I do have lingerie, I guess?’ I suddenly remember. It’s see-through in all the correct places – I may need to dig it out from the back of my drawers and dust it off, but it could be useful.
‘There you go. What time has he asked to meet?’
‘12 p.m.’
‘Then put all this work stuff aside and go get ready, have a bath, sort out this,’ she says, pointing to my hair. ‘Have a day for you.’
‘Can you maybe not tell Dad I’m seeing someone? I mean, you’re awful with secrets, but do this? For me? Until I work out what it is?’
She nods. This could go either way with Mum, but as long as I don’t tell her his last name, then she’ll never be able to find him on social media and stalk the hell out of him.
‘Please, Mum…’ I hope she can read the desperate panic in my eyes.
‘I will try. I mean, Dave knows now too.’ The dog sits by the door of the kitchen looking up at me, his multicoloured vibrator in his mouth. ‘But if this man hurts you, Josie, know I will take him out, me and Dave and a crowbar.’
I don’t doubt it. Mum does have strength in her upper arms, but her fierce maternal energy is everything. I hug her and she holds me close for a second.
‘And could you help me with my eyeliner? Make me look all sultry and sexy…’
I say that in the most unsexy tone I could summon up, rolling my shoulders around. This is just not in my bloodstream and it should be deeply engrained in my genes.
Mum nods but looks unsure, tucking strands of hair behind my ear. ‘I will but, Josie, don’t go as someone you’re not either, yeah?’
I smile. I think it may be too late for that.
TEN
Let’s talk aboutSailor Moonfor a moment. When I was a teen, it was hard to find female role models that appealed. I had just found out my parents were in porn and to hide all my distressed confusion, I threw myself into two things: schoolwork and anime.Sailor Moonwas shojo manga specifically meant for teen girls of my age, and it exposed me to all those amazingly bold female characters who were powerful, brave and colourful. I became obsessed, I collected magazines and figurines and my walls were lined with posters. We won’t talk about the bad hair dye jobs, it’s a wonder I have any hair left. I had the one costume. Dad was sceptical about it because the skirt was less a skirt and more a pelmet, but I used to wear it and feel like a warrior.
I don’t feel like a warrior today because I found the costume in the back of my wardrobe and it’s no surprise that my shape has certainly changed since I was fifteen years old. So I made a quick diversion to our warehouse as we do stock sexy sailor outfits (they sell very well in the summer). It would have to do. Underneath that is a thong that is perhaps more low cut and high cut than I anticipated, so I’m also super sexy Sailor Moon with a wedgie, my nipples on show, my hair in buns on the top of my head, all covered up by my mum’s trench coat. And knee-high boots. Platform boots. Yes, also my mother’s. If I had my way, I’d have worn Converse to this rendezvous, but Mum nearly blocked the door when I tried to leave in them.
‘Sorry about the traffic, love,’ my taxi driver tells me.
It’s the weeks leading up to Christmas so the streets are adorned with twinkly lights, mistletoe and shoppers, headed into the big smoke. My nerves become more unsettled as I spy the glow of brake lights ahead of us, a warbling Mariah Carey coming through the radio. I also should have just driven myself. They have a car park at the hotel. It’s extortionate but it would have saved the embarrassment of sitting in this car wondering if when I bend over, people will be able to see my foof.
‘It’s fine.’
It just gives me more time to sweat into my costume and work out a get-out plan. It was ridiculous to think I could do this. I am not this person. The seductive, overtly sexy, strutting down the street, Josie. However, maybe this is a good way to get the truth out there.And guess what? Funny story… You think I’m awkward at this? I sell this stuff for a living and you should hear what my parents once did. And then I can walk away and be done with it.
I suddenly hear the taxi driver laughing, please don’t be at me.
‘What are people like, eh?’
I assume he’s talking about the traffic, a terrible driver, a cyclist who doesn’t know the rules of the road, but I look out the window and suddenly see a lot of Stormtroopers. Like a group of them. Is there a collective noun for Stormtroopers? An empire? It’s not just them, though. Hey, Boba Fett. Hey, Hobbits. Have I been fretting so much that we’ve driven into another dimension?
I gaze out the window at the lines of people walking along the pavements. ‘Where is everyone going?’ I ask.
He pulls a face in the rear-view mirror. ‘Same place you’re going, love. It’s some sort of sci-fi convention, innit? If you wanted to walk from here, maybe you can ask Superman there for a lift?’
My face freezes. What in the holy Dickens? Superman strolls past. Some men should really not go near tights.
‘Are you that bird fromThe Matrix? I thought with the sunglasses you might be?’ he asks, confused.
I’m wearing the sunglasses because I wanted to hide behind them. I take them off and put them in my rucksack. In the bag is a change of underwear and clothes, a sex toy and a lot of condoms that I’m realising I won’t need. Plus, if there is a security bag check, I may die of embarrassment. ‘My costume is underneath, I’m Sailor Moon. It’s a cartoon. Anime–manga thing?’
He smiles with wide eyes to let me know he doesn’t need to know any more. I’m one of them. Cameron invited me to a Comic Con-style event. This makes perfect sense. He knows we like films and sci-fi and this is the sort of thing I would most certainly be into and I am a bloody idiot for thinking anything more. We’re not here to have sex. I could have worn normal underwear. I shouldn’t have packed a toothbrush.
