Page 69 of Great Sexpectations
Nan looks over at me, confused.
‘How’s that?’ she asks.
Dad and Mum sit with the television on, scanning through all the Christmas specials. Nan senses me looking at them.
‘It’s a good icebreaker, you know. I had this horrible woman in my bridge club who used to always brag about her son, who went to Oxford and became a doctor. “Oh, he’s so clever, he was top of his class…” Never mind you only see him once a year and he’s completely nasty to you. I was sick of hearing it, so one day, I told them all my son was in porn. Your son is a big dick, mine has a big dick.’
‘How did that go down?’ I say, laughing loudly, watching as Dad bows his head at Nan’s choice of words.
‘Shut her up. I know it’s not the easiest thing to bring up, but no shame, Josie. There’s no shame in how you came to be, how you were raised… Remember that.’
Our conversation stirs Dad’s interest. ‘Is that why you haven’t said anything to him yet, Josie? You’re ashamed?’ He appears surprised by that. Shame is not a word we use in this house and, aside from this situation with Cameron, it’s something I’ve never felt in everyday life and work especially – I do carry a level of pride in what I do.
‘Not that at all. But you saw what he was like when Nan cracked her joke… A terrible joke by the way,’ I tell her.
‘I was just testing the water,’ she teases.
‘He laughed. He couldn’t believe it. It is a bit out there, you know?’ I add.
Mum and Dad watch me for a moment as I squirm awkwardly in my seat, half drunk, half confused.
‘All your boyfriends you’ve brought home, you’ve never hidden things from them before, so why now?’ Mum asks.
‘I just… Maybe I just don’t want to bombard him, all at once. This is not normal, what we do, what you used to be…’
‘Define normal?’ Dad asks, pulling a silly face to lighten the mood.
‘Normal is not having a sideboard full of dildos, or wondering if your boyfriend has seen your mum naked?’
‘JOSIE!’ Mum shrieks, as she senses my tone changing.
‘I’m sorry, Mum. He’s a nice guy and I just want him to get to know me, for him to get to know our family for who we are rather than what we are. I don’t want to feel judged or that I’m not good enough.’
Everyone stops for a moment to hear the words fall out of my mouth, fuelled by the alcohol in my bloodstream. I’ve never wanted to project any of this onto anyone as I didn’t want anyone to feel sad, to feel as low as I felt. My eyes start to well up and I blink super quickly to stop the tears falling. Damn Christmas, damn all that cheese I ate. This a Brie-induced moment.
Nan comes over and puts her arm around me. ‘Don’t be daft, you ninny. Any man should be bloody proud to have you on his arm. You’re the catch of the bloody century,’ she tells me, cupping my face with her wrinkly hands to let me know she means business.
‘I’m sorry. Don’t mind me. It’s Christmas, just whackLove Actuallyon and forget I ever said anything,’ I say.
Whatever day it may be, it’s too late to backtrack now. ‘Nah, where has this come from?’ Mum asks. ‘Is this from him? Does he have opinions on this stuff? If so, then maybe he’s not the one for you? You shouldn’t change who you are to be with someone. He should like you for you.’
I run my tongue over my teeth, trying to keep my words from leaving my mouth. ‘Well, it’s easy for you two. You found each other. You literally slipped her one before you even knew her.’
‘JOSIE!’ Mum shrieks again, shocked but saddened to hear me so confrontational, callous even. ‘Don’t talk like that… You’ve never had a problem with all of this before?’
‘Mum, it’s always been there… The bullying in school? The time the papers found out and gave Sonny hell in the media?’
‘And we’ve always just batted it away, we’re better than all that gossip, all those folk who trash-talk us.’
‘Well, what about that time my fiancé dumped me?’ I utter.
Silence cloaks the room as I realise I’ve let the cat out of the bag. The words hit Mum the hardest and I see her eyes well up immediately.
‘Josie,’ Dad mumbles. ‘You told us he left you to go travelling.’
I sigh loudly, sadly. ‘Oh, he did that. But with some pharmacist’s daughter. They got married two weeks ago.’
‘You found out?’ Mum says.
