Page 71 of Big Nick Energy
I nod, breathing warm air into my hands. It’s the sort of cold that makes you worry for the health of your toes, where you pray they will still be attached by the end of the day. A shot of something might help.
‘Come here.’ Without warning, Nick walks up to me and envelops me in his arms, holding me tightly, my head resting against his chest. This is far too close. I should push him away in the style of a Shaolin monk. But I lean into the embrace, and let him wrap me up, sighing quietly to myself.
‘You should invest in a better coat, something down-filled,’ he says. ‘Your coat is a glorified picnic blanket.’
‘It’s wool,’ I say, affronted.
‘A wool picnic blanket then,’ he says, rubbing his hands up and down my back. ‘Is this too much? I just can’t see you standing there cold. It’s a survival technique, quickest way to get warm,’ he says.
Yeah, I learned this in the Girl Guides too, except I was taught you had to get naked with someone in a sleeping bag for it to work. I can’t think that way. Don’t think about that at all. Accept the warmth of his furry Santa costume, that feeling of his arms tight around you, keeping you safe. I close my eyes for a moment, not wanting to ever escape from this cocoon. Because there is something so very right about our bodies close like this, our hips touching, the way I can nest my head in a space just below his chin and I can hear his heartbeat loud and clear. We seem to both realise we’ve probably held this for too long now. Maybe I’ll pretend to have fallen asleep here to escape any awkwardness. But I glance up and see him smiling down at me, our faces dangerously close to each other, the closest they’veever been. And he puts his hand to my face, scooping it up but leaning down to kiss my lips gently. And I relent, kissing him back, at first with the softest of touches until his lips almost melt into mine, wanting to explore that kiss more deeply. I feel a rush surge through me, a moment of electricity, his hand moving to the back of my head, scooping up my hair.
‘Nick,’ I whisper under my breath. He doesn’t say a word, I can hear his breath deepen, an intensity in the magnetism between us. I can’t do this. What am I doing? ‘I can’t.’
He steps back on hearing those words, looking at me, snapped out of his daze. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t?—’
‘I’m dating someone else.’
And I see his lips part gently, his body slump on hearing the words. His face is illuminated by the glow of the street lights and it’s almost as though the lights have turned another colour, as if they’ve faded a little, as all the warmth that was there before goes and the cold returns to my bones, almost running through my bloodstream like ice.
THIRTY
‘Look at what your mum and dad got me, another dressing gown. Leopard print, this time. This is the third one they’ve given me. What do they think I do? That I wear them all at once?’ Nana says as she gets it out of her wardrobe.
‘Leopard print is in you know, it’s very trendy.’
‘Well, that’s good to know because it’s a veritable fashion parade in this place with all the slipper shoes and tweed,’ she laughs. I smile in return but it’s strained and she looks at me curiously as if she can read that something is up. It’s my weekly drop-in with Nana and I sit in my armchair in the corner of her room, curling my feet up into the chair and suddenly I’m twelve years old again and I’m round her house, eating all her biscuits and watchingCountdown. It’s that connection we always had when I was growing up that would make me gravitate to her every time. ‘You know, last time you were here, everyone got very excited by the book stuff. Jeff upstairs loved that he got Bill Bryson, by the way.’
‘I’m glad for Jeff,’ I reply.
‘You’re a good girl for doing all of that. At Christmas when everyone is so busy. I was very proud,’ she says.
‘Thank you, Nana. It just felt like a nice thing to do.’ I guess maybe I need to focus on the good because two days ago, I felt I didn’t do something very good at all. I engaged in a kiss with a really lovely man when I shouldn’t have. I let two Nicks overlap and something about my lack of control and honesty in that situation has made me feel goddamn terrible. It was never my intention for things to get so messy.
‘So… I’m going to assume your sad face is something man-related. We never spoke about that tall glass of water you came here with last time,’ she says, grinning, looking excited to finally be able to quiz me about him.
‘That’s one way to describe him I suppose,’ I say with a smirk.
‘I know my mind is going but you’re telling me there are two fellas called Nick on the scene?’ she asks, going to sit on the edge of her bed.
‘Yeah. I messed up, Nana,’ I say, my guilt consuming me so much I have to look out the window for a moment.
‘Because you’re seeing both?’ she asks.
‘Harrods Nick, the one who gave you the hamper, the one I dated a while ago, I think that’s got a bit serious. I’m spending time with his family at Christmas. I kissed Santa Nick the other day after a book thing.’
‘A peck on the cheek or with tongues and fettling?’ she asks.
I burst into laughter and she looks mildly relieved to have broken my quiet. ‘Nana…’
‘He’s a good-looking boy, you’re young. If I had teeth I didn’t have to glue in my mouth and my boobs from when I was in my twenties, I’d have a little go to find out,’ she jokes.
‘NANA!’ I say. I smile but the guilt still sits in my veins like vinegar, stinging so very much. In hindsight, I should have said something earlier to avoid that situation. I shouldn’t have kissed him back. And there are moments when I think back to that kiss, a heat rising up in me that turns into pain to picture his facewhen we parted, that disappointment. We didn’t go for a drink afterwards. In fact, I was so mortified that I asked him to drop me at a train station so I could avoid any more awkwardness in the truck, so I could sit on a train platform, with tears in my eyes, looking vacantly into space, feeling so forlorn that a commuter stopped to ask me if I was OK. I just kissed Santa, I told him. He didn’t stay any longer to find out more.
‘How serious is it with Harrods Nick?’ Nana asks.
‘We’ve been on lovely, romantic dates. He bought me some earrings. Met up with his parents the other day. There are feelings there, we’re sleeping together… and I guess…’
‘I’m not hearing much certainty here, Kay,’ Nana says.
