Page 69 of I Could Have Missed This
“He does care about you, Demi. You know that, right?” I tell her, trying to comfort her.
“I know that deep down. I just… god, I just wish that I had… I should have made more of an effort before… before…” she trails off as tears well up in her eyes. “It’s not until you lose something that you realise how much you need it. We had our arguments over the years, but I felt close to him. He reminds me of myself when I was younger. And you know… I almost miss the arguments. I wish he were sitting there now, moaning at me to stop fussing over him and that he was fine, or to stop embarrassing him in front of you. But he isn’t. I just… I miss my son more than words can convey,” she cries as I put an arm over her.
“You haven’t lost him, though. He’ll wake up. I know he will.”
“But what if he doesn’t? I don’t know if I could live with that. Children bury their parents. Sometimes earlier than the children would like, but that’s just life. It should never be the other wayaround. A mother or father should never have to watch their child be buried. It’s just… it’s not right,” she explains, trying to compose herself.
“We shouldn’t think about that, he’s still here. He’ll get through this. He’s stronger than anyone I know.”
“That’s funny, he always says that about you,” Demi replies, gripping my shoulder lovingly. “He has so much love for you, Noah. It… it really broke his heart when you left for uni. But I can understand why you did,” she tells me and my heart aches. I’m literally leaving them all again in a few hours. How am I supposed to do this to them?
“I love him like a brother,” I tell her, smiling at Kai as if he can hear me.
“You two remind me of your mother and me. She was like the sister I never had. It broke my heart when she… when she passed away,” she says with a crack in her voice. “The bronze family are evil, I wish they were rotting in jail. All Kai did was fall in love. You can’t control who you fall in love with. But loving a bronze boy only leads to a world of hurt,” she says coldly.
I give Demi a hug. I think we both needed it to be honest. I don’t tell her about my plan to leave, but the guilt in my heart as I walk out of the hospital room feels like a noose around my neck.
“Aw, great, you’re here!”Elijah exclaims as I walk through the door of the flat. Everyone is gathered around the dining table. A few takeaway pizzas and bottles of wine are on the table.
“Hey, honey, how’s things?” Teddy asks as he kisses me. I nod as a sigh escapes me. I think I’ve forgotten how to breathe.
“Yeah, things are fine,” I tell him before pouring myself a glass of Rosé.
“Are you sure? You look… you look like you’re struggling,” he says, placing a hand on my shoulder.
“I’m okay, honest, I was just visiting Kai, so I’m a bit… you know,” I tell him, half lying. I’m struggling because I know this is my last night with them.
I have to say goodbye tonight…
“Shall we sit?” I ask Teddy before making my way to the table.
“Any news about Kai?” Daisy asks me as I sit down. A sympathetic smile on her face.
“Not really,” I tell her, not knowing what else to say. She places a hand on mine.
“He’ll wake up soon, then everything will be okay, I know he will.”
But everything isnotfine. I have to leave tonight. The life I’ve built is crumbling underneath me, and it almost feels like I’m about to kill myself.
Tonight is the night I die. After this, I won’t have a life. I’m better off dead.
As the night goes on, I make sure to talk to everyone equally. I kiss and cuddle Teddy often, knowing I won’t be able to tomorrow. No more kisses, no more conversations, no more waking up to him in golden hour lighting. Our love will be no more, even if it still lingers in my heart forever.
I can’t go without sayingsomething.
Suddenly, I’m standing. I’m hitting the bottom of my knife against my glass to get everyone’s attention. Everything is happening in slow motion.
“I just want to say a few things,” I announce, their eyes all on me as I swallow deeply. “Before I met all of you, I was at University up in Newcastle. I left after my mother had diedbecause I wanted to run away from my feelings. But they caught up with me. I didn’t come back home until I had attempted to kill myself. I felt like life wasn’t worth living, and happiness was only a dream. I came here to find myself again and… well, I guess what I’m saying is… not only did I find myself again, I found all of you. And I just wanted to say how much I appreciate all of you, and how much I love all of you,” I pause as my voice begins to crack. I hold back tears as I continue.
“You all made my life worth living again. You’ve made me laugh until my belly hurts, and we’ve had nights together I had only read about in books. These last few months have been a dream, and I just need you all to know that I will never forget that. I will never forget any of you and the impact you have all had on me.”
The whole room stares at me as a tear slides down my cheek.
“You fucking dick. You’ve got me crying now. Couldn’t you have waited until after we got more wine?” Cat cries. Daisy hugs her to calm her down.
“That was beautiful, honey,” Teddy says before giving me a hug. He hugs me tighter than he ever has before, almost as if he knows I’m leaving.
“It almost sounds like you’re saying goodbye,” Elijah laughs, and I join in, even as my heart breaks into a million pieces. There’s a physical pain there. It’s heavy, and it makes it hard to breathe. I don’t think it’ll ever go away.
