Page 3 of The Secret Shape of Worship
That was the real reason Mina was subjecting himself to this heat and these people he didn’t fit in with. He was here to prove his father wrong. He was here to prove his mother right. Mina was here, stretching himself across the globe, to put his faith to one final test: two weeks of intensive scriptural study, lectures, and prayer with scholars and fellow students. It was his final, silent promise to God:
If You speak, I’ll answer. I’ll crack my own bones to fit a holy shape. I’ll gather up all the frayed and stretched edges of myself that crave dark and unnatural corners and stuff them away forever.
Mina joined the group, finding his usual place alone at the back of the line. As much as he truly didn’t feel he fit in with any of his classmates, he wasn’t purposefully antisocial. It was mostly that he just couldn’t trust himself. He had never quite mastered the art of keeping his eyes from wandering to places they shouldn’t, and he worried about giving himself away. As for his female classmates, he’d given up trying to find a circle of friends there. His girl friends had been his safety blanket throughout junior high and high school, but here it was different. Here, most were just looking for their “MRS degree,” as the running joke went. Hoping to find a husband, become a preacher’s wife, and finally lose their virginity on their wedding night.
And it didn’t help that Mina was gorgeous. He’d been hearing it from girls all his life. But here, not even his overt disinterest seemed to deter their attention, because it was just interpretedas a righteous resistance to temptation and made them want him even more. He’d been on a few dates. Even made out with a girl from his Discipleship 101 class earlier in the year. But things had heated up quickly, her cool hands and sharp, lacquered fingernails scraping up under his shirt, finding his chest, breathing desperate, wordless wants into his mouth. But all he had been able to focus on was the sticky, waxy taste of her lip balm, the sharp angle of her nails scraping along the thin muscle of his chest, and the fact that he’d honestly rather be binging old episodes ofGossip Girl.He’d stopped her before it got any further, and he could see she was disappointed. But he knew she would have been more disappointed once she’d gotten his jeans undone only to discover that his body wasn’t exactly responding.
Even so, he was trying. God help him, he was. One day, he’d find a woman he could love. One day, he’d find a job in the church or teaching classes at the seminary. The concept of faith as something purely academic might make it easier to digest. One day maybe he’d even have a kid. He’d get himself so tangled up in the life he was supposed to want that maybe, in the end, it would feel like he’d actually wanted it all along.
Until then, Mina allowed himself moments of quiet rebellion. The small black trio of stars on his lower abdomen tingled—a tattoo he’d gotten on his 18th birthday, right before he’d left for seminary, simply because he wasn’t supposed to. It was a secret trinity, an impossible wish, all his own.Thinking about that dark constellation inked into the pale skin just below his waistband, Mina eyed the other boys in their seminary blue. Almost all of them taller. Stronger. Less pale. They were everything he wasn’t. Everything he desired.
As he looked around, he felt his groin start to press against the front of his pants.Oh no.He looked down and blushed as he noticed the outline of himself. He was big and struggled to hidehis erections. He shifted discreetly, but still the outline pressed hard against his pants. Anyone who gave him more than a casual glance would absolutely see it very clearly. His stomach twisted even as the thrill of that possibility made him throb even more. He reached down quickly to pull himself up into his waistband, the pressure ensuring his hard-on would not be subsiding anytime soon, but at least it no longer hurt and was a little less noticeable.
But as he looked up, giving his khakis one final adjustment, a pair of bright eyes were staring back at him from outside the line. Devon. Mina flushed red and turned away from Devon’s stare, seemingly snapping the other boy out of his trance as he turned quickly and pointedly away from Mina.
Though an insufferable ball of nervous, chaotic energy that drove Mina absolutely bonkers, he had to admit, Devon was one of the most attractive guys here. The tallest boy in the class. Dark hair cut into a trendy fade and slicked back. Blue polo hugging tight across his chest and lean biceps.
As the group began its slow exodus from the sun, filing into the deep darkness of the giant necropolis, Mina looked to where Devon stood, but his fellow classmate was pointedly avoiding looking anywhere in his vicinity. He knew what that meant. Devon had seen what Mina had tried to hide, and now he was embarrassed. He felt his cock throb in his waistband again and allowed himself, for a brief moment, to imagine that Devon’s was doing the same under his own khakis. In the quiet darkness of his own mind, he wondered what it would feel like to press his hand against another boy’s pants as his cock slowly grew with sinful lust. What it would be like to bark an order and for Devon to obey with a whimper of submission. To push his fingers into the perfect swoop of his dark hair and push down until he was on his knees in front of Mina, eyes cast upward.
A chill, like a sudden, deep breath, swept across his skin. He felt the tiny hairs raise along the back of his neck. A moment later, a warmer breeze from the other direction, carrying a smell of cloves and wood smoke, like a slow exhale. Mina pushed his tongue out between his cracked lips, half expecting to taste it. Everything around him seemed to have suddenly dialed into high definition, sharp and sizzling at the edges, as if a powerful current had just been turned on, charging the air around him.
As the group entered the darkness of the tombs, Mina tried but failed to push the forbidden thoughts of the other boy from his mind like he usually could. So instead, he let his imagination wander into darker and darker places, trembling as the tomb swallowed his small body whole.
CHAPTER TWO
DESECRATION
“These hieroglyphics and paintings depict Osiris and Anubis. Many scholars consider Anubis to have been the son of Osiris and responsible for seeing souls safely on their journey to the afterlife, where they would travel through the various layers of the underworld, also known as the Duat.”
The professor pointed left and right to the art painted along the stone face of the narrow corridor as the group ambled in the rough semblance of a straight line into the structure. Warm light from a single rope light tacked along the ceiling bathed everything in shades of amber and gold.
“The departed would then face all manner of trials and terrible creatures before finally arriving, if they survived, to the Temple of Osiris at the heart of the underworld city. There, Anubis would preside over the measuring of their hearts and, ultimately, decide their fate—paradise or abyss.”
At some point, Mina began to tune out the professor's droning, lost in the beautiful artwork and intricate scenes. At first, he admired the striking blues, reds, and golds, amazed at how vivid the colors were even after thousands of years. Butsoon, as they always seemed to do, his eyes wandered, lured by the chiseled bodies of the men in their skirt-like garments and lavish jewelry. If there had been any doubt before entering the temple that Mina had let his mind wander too far, there was certainly none now. His imagination ran wild, and his erotic excitement refused to subside. He looked down, uselessly adjusting himself, turning his attention to his shoes to distract himself as they navigated the tunnels on autopilot, carefully avoiding the cracks and breaks in the rock.
“Do you make it a point to always be the lone man out?”
Devon’s voice behind him made him jump and almost trip over a rough break in the dimly lit path. Mina shoved his hands in his pockets to hide the situation still going on in his pants as Devon bounced up beside him.
“No, Devon, I’m just short. I don’t walk as fast.”
Mina felt the other boy’s eyes wander over him as if taking in his diminutive frame for the first time.
“So.” Devon cleared his throat. “What are you doing here?” he asked.
“I’m looking at the art.”
Devon snorted. “That’s not what I mean.”
“Ok, what do you mean?”
“I mean here. On this trip. At seminary.”
Mina’s stomach twisted.They’ll know you don’t belong.
“You haven’t been to a chapel service in weeks, even though it’s a class requirement. And as for…” Devon trailed off. “Look, I don’t believe every rumor that comes around. But just so you know, some people do. And some people aren’t afraid to make their suspicions known. So just…” Devon trailed off again, looking away, his face blooming noticeably red, even in the dim light. “Just be careful.” He cleared his throat again. “And please keep up,” he said, resuming his long-legged pace. “ProfessorCornelius asked me to make sure no one gets turned around and lost.”
“Yes, sir,” Mina whispered, scrunching his nose and jutting his tongue between his teeth as Devon picked up his pace to catch up with the others. So what if everyone guessed Mina was attracted to guys? He’d never actuallydoneanything about it. So no one could prove anything. All Mina really needed to worry about was passing his classes and graduating. And hopefully, somewhere along the way, God would start to change him. Or at least start to answer his prayers so he didn’t feel so goddam alone all the time. Mina shook his head, mentally chastising himself for the swear.
