Page 51 of The Secret Shape of Worship
Osiris raised his hand, and from somewhere high above, a giant white feather descended into his open palm. He carried it to the scale, placing the feather upon one of the plates. It didn’t move even a millimeter. “If your heart tips the scale, it will be thrown toHer.”
Mina looked around the room again. “Who isher?”
A rumble from all around threatened to buckle Mina’s already weak legs out from under him. A warm hand wrapped around his shoulder, and Mina managed to find enough strength to stay on his feet. This was his decision. He couldn’t be weak. Whatever happened next, this was what he had chosen. This was what he truly wanted. To have a chance, even the smallest, most impossible chance in the world, to live forever with the one being who had made him happiest in the world. Who had cared enough about him to help him find the strength and truth within himself. For that minuscule chance, whatever came next would be worth it.
Down just beyond the base of the stairs, a huge limestone tile cracked and crumbled away, and from the darkness it left behind appeared a creature that made Mina wonder if every brave thought he’d just had was actually the true facade. It took everything in his body not to turn and run.
“Ammit the Devourer,” said Osiris. “When your heart is placed upon the scales, if it is deemed unworthy of paradise, she will devour it before your eyes. Many brave and noble hearts have met this fate; their cries of anguish and despair still echo in the far reaches of the abyss. You may be good, son of man. But are you the best you can be? We shall soon see.”
Even crouched down on all fours, the creature stood at least eight feet tall. It snapped long crooked jaws and shook its full brown mane. It was as if a crocodile head had been sutured ontothe body of a lion and then thrown into the swamp for a century to rot. Green and brown moss clung to its fur, and putrid water pooled around its paws, the size of a small child, as it crawled up to the first step, threw back its head, and let out an ear-piercing screech.
Mina turned to the feather resting weightless on the scale and felt the blood leave his face.
He turned to Osiris. “How is that fair?” Mina did his best to keep the terror from his voice. “A human heart is obviously heavier than a feather. At least several ounces, right? So, obviously it’s going to tip the scales.”
“Truth makes the heart light.”
Osiris looked at Anubis, who took several steps back. Mina felt all strength leave him as his knees began to tremble. He wanted,needed,one last look of assurance. One last squeeze of his shoulder. But before Mina could turn to look back at Anubis, the god Osiris pressed a cold, dead hand to his chest. At first, he felt nothing. And then a warmth spread, like a blanket straight from the dryer being laid softly over his body.
Osiris pulled back his hand and nestled tiny in his grizzled palm lay a beating heart. Mina’s heart. As he watched and the realization of what he was looking at dawned on him, the rhythm grew faster and soon was beating wildly, spasming like a bloody fish drowning in the cold, dry air. And though it was outside his body, Mina thought he could still feel it, like an echo inside himself.
A familiar hand returned to his shoulder.
“It’s ok, mykianga.You will be ok.”
Mina calmed his breathing and fought the urge to look down at the gaping hole he could feel in his chest, the cool air blowing in and out of him.
The creature, Ammit, snapped her jaws ravenously, never taking his eye off Mina’s heart as Osiris slowly, as if it were a tiny Fabergé egg, carried it toward the scale.
Mina turned around. “I feel like I’ve forgotten everything you taught me, Anu.”
“You haven’t.”
“But I feel like I’m not ready. We didn’t have enough time together.”
“We had over a year together, mykianga.”
“I haven’t done anything good with my life.” Mina fisted his hands in his hair painfully. Pressed his eyes closed until he saw stars. “I’ve wasted the time I had. I should have done more. I should have been truer to myself. I shouldn’t have let my parents control me.” Mina felt panic swell up like a tide of snakes around him. His breath came in short, frantic sips, lungs fighting against some phantom weight. A second hand came down on his other shoulder, and the god knelt down before him. The downy fur around his eyes was wet and matted.
“The past does not matter. Looking back at the past with regret is like looking at the wake of your boat to chart your forward course. We can learn from our past, yes, but only with our eyes looking forward. This pain you feel is good. It has taught you. It has changed you. You are not the man you were when you first stepped through the threshold of my necropolis. You are stronger, braver. You stood next to your classmate and showed him exactly who you are. You helped him take the first step of his own journey. You came to find me, despite the fear. Despite the danger. You came to find me because I was what you wanted. Did you fear along the way? Of course. Being true to yourself is not about vanquishing fear. It’s about standing in the face of it, feeling it wrap around your neck like a serpent, and going forward anyway. Because fear is like a sea. If you canjust keep breathing through the rise of it, you can survive until it recedes.”
Mina felt a coldness press in behind him and turned to see Osiris standing there. The giant god reached down, pressed a hand to Mina’s chest, and as Mina looked down at himself, the skin and muscle began stitching itself back together over his heart, which was beating calmly back where it belonged. As soon as the final stitch of skin closed, the ground rumbled again, and Mina turned just in time to see Ammit slinking back through the hole in the ground.
“Does that mean…” he started.
“Your heart is lighter than a feather,” replied Osiris, as if one result would have been no different to him than the other. “You may enter into paradise.”
As it did when Mina first entered the Duat, a portal shimmered to life out of the space where the throne previously stood. Beyond it, perfect blackness. It pulled at everything in the room, and it took everything in Mina’s power not to let himself be pulled immediately into it.
“The boy will go first,” said Osiris. “Your afterlife will birth itself around you as you enter. Every paradise is different for every mortal. It will be all the goodness you’ve earned in this life. Everything you deserve.”
Mina turned around to Anubis, fighting every burning tear that tried to push itself from his eyes. “I hope I’ve done enough in our short time together to deserve you.”
“I want nothing more than for you to be as happy as you can possibly be. You’ve earned this paradise. Now go—” A choking sound caught in the jackal god’s throat. He threw back his shoulders and looked above Mina’s head into the darkness. “Go before I lose my grip on myself and prevent you from going. Go.”
Mina turned toward the portal, the army of hot tears breaking through and soaking his cheeks as he stepped towardthe darkness. Toward his unknown future. Despite being told that it would be his own personal paradise, Mina’s stomach lurched with fear and anger and sadness at how much of his life had felt so completely out of his control. Even after having his heart weighed and passing his end-of-life test, his eternity still rested in the hands of a power he didn’t fully understand and couldn’t predict.But that’s what it is to be human,Mina thought, remembering Anubis’ words.Becoming true to yourself is not about vanquishing fear. It’s about standing in the face of it, feeling the fear wrap around your neck like a serpent, and going forward anyway.
And so, Mina stepped forward, into his future.
