Page 44 of A Baxter Family Christmas
“They had a pool?” Connor was completely engaged, listening to every word.
“Yes.” She felt sick to her stomach recounting the story, but she had to. She’d stuffed the details to the bottom of her heart for too many years. “It was a swim party. Everyone had life jackets, but then it was time to eat cake and we all took them off. Hayley was the youngest there. And my dad... he told me to watch her. To make sure she didn’t go near the pool with her life jacket off.”
Connor groaned, as if the story was causing him physical pain. “Maddie...”
“And then...” Tears stung her eyes, but she refused to give in to them. “... I remember Hayley running past me, heading out back with a few other kids. And... she didn’t have her life jacket on.” Maddie hung her head. Two tears slid down her cheeks.
“Hey... it’s okay. You were little, Maddie.” Connor took hold of her hand.
“I yelled at her, ‘Get your life jacket, Hayley. You have to wear it.’?” Maddie shook her head, trapped in that day all over again. “She didn’t stop, didn’t answer me. And then... she was gone out back.” Maddie lifted her eyes to Connor. “I could’ve stopped her, but... I didn’t. I just... let her go.”
Connor didn’t say anything. He ran his thumb slowly over her hand and listened.
“A little while later I knew something was wrong. Hayley wasn’t anywhere. She was just... she was gone. And I started calling her name. Over and over again.”
“What about your dad?”
“He was up right away, calling for her, too. Shouting her name. Then everyone was calling for her.”
Without saying a word, Connor reached out and put his hand alongside her face.
The gesture was enough to melt Maddie’s heart. It was the last thing she’d expected him to do. Show her grace and understanding. All her life she thought that if she was honest about Hayley, people would turn and run.
But not Connor.
She blinked and a few tears ran down her cheeks. “Sorry. Every day I think about what happened to Hayley. How I could’ve stopped her. I watched her go outside. Without her life jacket. So it was my fault. But I’ve never... told anyone.”
“You were too little, Maddie. You couldn’t have known what would happen.” Connor ran his thumb along the side of her hand again. “I’m here, Maddie. It’s okay.”
“Anyway...” She stared at the tree, at the ornament of all the cousins together. “We ran out back and she was there... at the bottom of the pool. She... wasn’t moving.”
Connor gave her hand the most gentle squeeze. “I wish you hadn’t had to see that.”
“I wish it hadn’t happened.” She took a quick breath and finished the story. “My dad dove in right away and brought her to the top.”
“She was breathing?” Connor’s voice was quiet.
“Not at first. The doctors didn’t get her breathing until she was at the hospital. I guess they told my parents she’d never walk or talk. That she’d be blind the rest of her life.” She paused. “I didn’t know that until recently.”
Connor looked surprised. “They were wrong, obviously.”
“Yes.” Maddie was beyond thankful for the ways God had answered their prayers. “But she’s still not... the same. You know?”
Maddie realized that Connor hadn’t been around Hayley enough to notice. But even so he nodded. “Yeah. She sat across from us during dessert. I could tell something was different. But it’s nothing really major, Maddie. At least it didn’t seem like it tonight.”
“She’s still improving. That’s another miracle.” Maddie felt the sadness in her smile. “So... that’s the part I never told you.”
Connor was still holding her hand, and now he looked long into her eyes. “I hate that you had to go through that. When you were so little.” She had never seen anyone look at her with such compassion. “But why... why did that make you pull away from me these last few weeks?”
This was the hardest part, the part she wasn’t sure he’d understand. She exhaled, searching for the right words. “I’ve always known it was my fault. What happened to Hayley. Sure, I was little. And maybe it was too much responsibility for someone my age.” Her voice broke. “But still, it was my fault. So if Hayley could never have a normal life, then I didn’t deserve one either.”
Confusion clouded Connor’s eyes. “A normal life?”
“Like... if Hayley could never fall in love”—Maddie’s voice fell to little more than a whisper—“I couldn’t either.”
Suddenly what she was saying must’ve become clear to Connor. The look on his face shifted and she could see just how much he cared. How much he liked her. “So you pulled away from me.”
“Yes.” She looked at him, all the way through to his soul. “Does that make sense?”
