Page 43 of Love Story
“I know. But...” Her stomach hurt just thinking about the conversation she would have to have with her older son. “Today was different. He wasn’t only casually asking about him. He really wants to know. Like what was my story, and what happened. All the details.”
“That’s what he said?” Landon sounded surprised.
Ashley thought back to earlier that day. “Maybe not in those words. But he definitely wanted to know. He keeps calling it mylove story.” She stopped walking and turned to him. “He accused me of avoiding him.”
Landon hesitated. “Cole?”
“I mean, he wasn’t rude. But he can tell, Landon.” She looked at the sidewalk. Then she found his eyes once more. “He knows I don’t want to talk about it.” Tears blurred her vision a little. “You’rehis dad. I guess it’s weird to me that he even wants to know about some other guy. The man’s a stranger. He never cared about Cole at all.” She hesitated. “Of course I don’t want to tell him that.”
For a while Landon just looked at her, searched her eyes. His expression was beyond kind. Like he would’ve done anything to take away her fear and concern. “Is it his father you don’t want to talk about? Or your relationship with the guy?”
His words cut through to the place where Ashley had been hiding. Tears spilled onto her cheeks and she felt Landon draw her into his arms. All the shame and guilt and regret from her past came rushing at her like floodwaters, pulling her in, drowning her. “I can’t.” She muttered the words against her husband’s chest. “I can’t think about it, Landon.”
“Baby.” He smoothed his hand along her hair. “It’s all right. You don’t have to tell him everything. Of course not.”
Ashley could barely breathe for the way the past pulled at her. “I was such a wretch, Landon.” She couldn’t look at him. Not right now.
“Isn’t that the point?” His voice was a caress against her wounded conscience. “I once was lost but now am found. Right?”
The sidewalk was empty, but Ashley didn’t want to have this conversation here in the open. She sniffed. “Can we find our bench?”
“Of course.” He put his arm around her shoulders and they turned at the next street. Down a ways was a small grassy area. Too small to be a park. There, up against a tree, was a bench Landon had purchased for her last year on their daughter Sarah Marie’s birthday. Ashley loved how Landon always remembered it, always found a way to celebrate it.
Even just between the two of them.
The bench had their little girl’s name and birth date engraved on a small plaque at the center. It was a place they came to talk about deep things. Whether any of their kids were struggling in school or if there was trouble between their family members. Sometimes they came here to pray, and other times just to sit in silence. Each drawing strength from the other.
They sat down and Ashley leaned close to him. “Thank you.” She still loved the smell of his cologne, after all these years. The way it reminded her of his strength and courage and dedication. Landon was the definition of a man, the way a man of God should be. “I love this bench. I always will.”
“Me, too.” The breeze from earlier had stilled, and the stars shone bright overhead. “Your life in Paris... it was how a lot of people live all the time. Life without God.”
The thought stayed with her. Life without God. Yes, that was why she’d done such foolish things. Why she’d gone to Paris intent on throwing caution to the wind and why she’d taken up with a married artist. Even thinking about it made her want to throw up. Life without God, indeed. “I made so many terrible choices.”
“You chose to have Cole.” It was the one truth she sometimes needed to be reminded of...
Ashley tried never to think about that awful day, the morning she sat in an abortion clinic about to do the unthinkable. God alone had sent her running out of the office. She’d come home pregnant and scared and all by herself, and her parents had loved her through every moment.
“How can I tell Cole all of that?” She felt cold. Her teeth began chattering. New tears sprang to her eyes. The tide of regret rising again. She looked up at Landon, her words a tortured whisper. “He’ll hate me.”
“Ash.” Landon kissed the top of her head. “Cole could never hate you. That girl you were then, that’s not who you are now. And even back then you listened to God. Otherwise Cole wouldn’t be here.”
The possibility sent a shudder through her. He was right. As awful as that time was, she needed to focus on the truth. Yes, she had been sitting in an abortion clinic ready to end her child’s life. But even then all she could think was that no matter how bad she might be as a mother, it wasn’t her baby’s fault. When they called her name Ashley ran out of the clinic. As fast as her feet would carry her.
Yes, God worked good out of all situations. Even that one. “I have him. That’s what matters.”
“Exactly.” Landon held her close again. “One day you might tell him those details, but not now. He’s still very young.” Landon was clearly in no hurry. He seemed to let his last words sink in. “Just tell him the basic facts. Tell him you’re not proud of the past, but that God redeems all stories for people who love Him.”
Ashley would rather swim with a school of sharks than tell Cole anything about his father. Still, Landon was right. “At least he’ll know.” She wiped her fingers beneath her eyes, sat up straight and looked at him. “How do you do it, Landon?”
“What?” His eyes shone in the light of the moon.
“Make me believe it’s possible. That I could even think about having that talk with Cole.”
“I’m your other half.” He worked his fingers through her hair and touched his lips to hers. Their passion was never more than a kiss away. Like always. “I feel what you feel.” He grinned. “Makes it easier to remind you of the truth.”
Yesterday’s anxiety receded. Ashley could breathe again. “I told Cole it would have to wait until after he finishes interviewing my dad.”
“Good idea.” Landon brushed his fingers over her cheek. “So Cole can focus on your parents’ story for now.”
