Page 14 of In This Moment
At first it seemed the plan had worked. Jack understood things were over, and he agreed to stay away. But nothing about Jack Renton was ever that simple. Jack was a master manipulator. Alicia was his target.
In the week that followed Jack sent her a series of messages apologizing and begging her to come back. He talked about the early days and how he had let stress from his job affect the way he treated her. He was sorry about being so intense, sorry about not trusting her and sorry she felt the need to move on.
Alicia took Jack’s apologies as proof that she was supposed to get back together with him.
And so began a roller coaster of events and emotions for Alicia. It was also the start of Alicia’s crippling panic attacks.
Wendell was there for it all—even before she’d been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Before he knew about her panic attacks. Wendell was there time and again when Alicia got back together with Jack, and he was there each time Jack started his creepy, obsessive behavior again.
Finally, she told Wendell the truth about her panicked heart. He had prayed with her and showed her Scriptures to ease her anxiety, including the verses from Philippians 4. Wendell thanked God when this past spring Alicia broke up with Jack for the last time. Until then Wendell had been Alicia’s best friend, her confidant. The one she turned to when she was afraid. Wendell hadn’t told Alicia howhefelt about her yet. That could come later, he had told himself. After she was free and clear of Jack.
When summer started, Alicia began joining Wendell and his kids for movie nights and cookouts. At first, Jack still called her but she blocked his number. Once summer was in full swing, Alicia didn’t check her phone. And the few times Jack showed up at her house she stayed inside until he left. Eventually his calls came less frequently and she didn’t fear coming home.
As for Wendell and Alicia, their friendship grew stronger every day. Wendell loved having her at his house, loved watching the kind way she interacted with his children. Around Wendell and his family, Alicia laughed easily and the fear in her eyes seemed gone forever.
Until now.
Father, speak to her. Let her know how much I love her and help her feel Your perfect peace. Don’t let this be the end. Please, Father.
The prayer came as easily as Wendell’s next heartbeat. But when Wendell locked up his office and drove home he had an almost certain feeling that things between him and Alicia Harris were finished.
And that the price he would pay for reading the Bible at Hamilton High had just begun.
•••
ALICIA COULDN’T SEEthe road through her tears that evening. Long after she got home and changed clothes, the heaviness of the decision ahead remained. Wendell was the best man she’d ever known. The kindest father, the most caring principal. He was exactly the sort of role model the kids at Hamilton needed. The sort of man Alicia needed. But this battle over faith at Hamilton was destroying what they shared.
Alicia sighed. She believed in God with everything in her. But the panic attacks were coming more frequently now. Each one felt like certain death. She closed her eyes. Why couldn’t someone else lead the Bible club? She’d already told him, praying with students was going to cost him his job. Hers, too, if she supported him.
Then what? Who would care about the kids at Hamilton once Wendell Quinn was gone? Where would she live and how would she find a job? What if the panic attacks became worse and she couldn’t get out of bed?
Her heart jumped and began racing. Faster and faster until she could barely feel the beat. The muscles in her throat tightened. “No!” She spoke the word out loud. “No, please, God, no!” She bent at the waist, exerting pressure on her abdomen. Sometimes that stopped the panic.Help me, God. Not another one!
But it was too late. She couldn’t catch her breath, couldn’t slow her speeding heart.Exhale,she told herself.Breathe out.That was the only way to break free from the panic. Exhale. Her doctor had told her that.
Exhaling and Xanax.
Alicia’s head was spinning and she could feel herself losing consciousness. Was she going to faint? Hit her head on the floor? Was this how death would finally catch her? She forced her feet to move, closer toward her purse and the pills inside. One step and then another. Just a few feet away to the kitchen counter and she was there. In a burst of effort, she grabbed the Xanax bottle and managed to remove the lid.
One pill,she told herself.Just one.
Dizzy and sweating and gasping for breath, her heart ready to burst from her chest, she poured a glass of water and downed one of the blue tablets. Just one 1 milligram pill. That would do it. She closed her eyes tight.Please, God, let it work.The Bible verses flashed in her mind. Why hadn’t she remembered that earlier? Reciting Philippians 4 had worked even better than the pills last time.
The words came over her, filling her heart and soul.Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
A strange peace worked its way through her veins. This was it. The way out of the madness.Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again...
She wasn’t sure how long she stayed there, eyes closed, leaning against the counter. But gradually the Scripture and medication began to work. Another ten minutes and she could breathe normally. She moved to the sofa and for a long while she sat there not moving, exhausted.
Eventually, when the panic attack seemed far off, she stood and slowly made herself a cup of decaf coffee. She hadn’t eaten, so she reheated a plate of leftover chicken in the microwave. The meal was lukewarm when she sat down to eat. Just like her lonely life. If only Wendell’s Bible study program didn’t make her anxiety so bad. Wendell and she might’ve had a beautiful life together.
Instead everything was different now.
Alicia’s heartbeat felt more stable now. She finished her dinner and checked her messages. One from Jack Renton. “Hey, baby, I know it’s been a while, but I’m not going anywhere. I can tell you’re mad at me, but I’m here.” He paused. “Always.”
Alicia shuddered. Good thing she’d already taken the Xanax. Jack was always a trigger. She had blocked his number, but somehow his calls still went straight to voice mail. She would call her carrier and get that fixed. But for now... “Please, God,” she whispered. “Make him stop calling.”
No wonder she had an anxiety disorder.
