Page 13 of When We Were Young
Their son was calmer now, the tears slowing. “But, Daddy...” He put his hands on Noah’s cheeks and looked straight at him. Straight to the deepest part of his soul. “I’m happy now. With you living here. So we can wrestle before bedtime.”
Knives through Noah’s heart couldn’t have hurt this bad. “I want that, too, Aiden.” He smoothed his son’s blond hair from his eyes. “I really do.”
There was nothing to say. No understanding the situation. Not for Aiden or Olivia. Not for Emily or him. Who could make sense of a couple that once loved each other with every breath, now standing by while love died? Taking part in choking the life out of it?
“It’s time to sleep.” Noah set Aiden down on his bed and helped position the pillow beneath his head.
Aiden yawned. “When are you leaving?”
“Tomorrow.” There was no soft way to say that. It simply was.
“No.” His cry wasn’t as loud as earlier. Aiden sat up and wrapped his arms around Noah’s neck.
Noah had to remind himself to breathe. This was worse than anything he had imagined. Finally Aiden loosened his grip and settled back onto his pillow. “I’m going with you, Daddy.” A slight smile lifted his lips, but the sobs were back. Racking his body, shaking his little heart. “Please? Can I go with you?”
“Aiden.” Noah had to get out of here. He couldn’t hold back his tears another minute. “You can come see me whenever you want. Mommy and me already decided that.”
It was time to pray, something they did together every night. But Noah couldn’t bring himself to say a word to God. “You sleep well, buddy. Okay?”
Aiden’s eyes were sleepy. But he blinked them wide open at that. “What about our prayers?”
“Pray!” Olivia was lying down now, too. Emily still sitting near her, holding her hand.
Noah heard Emily exhale. Like she didn’t want to do this any more than he did. Noah worked the muscles in his jaw.Forgive me, God. There is no greater hypocrite than me.“Sure. Yeah. Go ahead, buddy.”
Aiden nodded.
For a quick second Noah caught Emily looking at him. Probably wondering how he was going to pull this off.
Breathe,he told himself.The words won’t come unless you breathe. Noah reached for Aiden’s little hand. His warm fingers felt familiar, like home. Because he had held his little boy’s hand every night like this... as far back as Noah could remember.
But he wouldn’t expose his kids to a lie. And that’s what Emily and he had become.
Noah closed his eyes. Then he summoned every ounce of strength he had left and let the words come. “Dear Jesus, thank You for Aiden and Olivia. Thank You for Mommy and Daddy.” It was the same every night. He inhaled. Every word like a hammer to his heart. “Thank You for our house and our family. And thank You for loving us so much.”
It was Aiden’s turn. “Thank You, Jesus, for our puppy, Indy, and our kitty, Benji. Thank You for my fast feet when I beat Jack in our race at preschool today.” He grabbed a few quick breaths. The normalcy of their nighttime routine was clearly calming his troubled soul. “Thank You for big trucks across from church and for dinosaurs at the park and for Olivia. Thank You for Mr. Ryan playing with us tonight. Thank You for mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese. And...”
He stopped, and Noah opened his eyes. “You done, Aiden?”
His son shook his head. “Something more.” He swallowed a few times. Fresh tears filled his eyes. “Please, Jesus, make Daddy stay home. Because he lives here. And we live here. And who will I wrestle with at night if Daddy’s gone?” He did a little sob. “And please bless Mommy and Daddy. Amen.”
This was where everyone was supposed to say amen. But the word only came from Aiden and Olivia.
“Daddy?” Aiden looked crushed. “You didn’t say amen.”
“Right. Sorry.” Noah couldn’t believe this. Couldn’t exhale. “Amen.”
“Mommy?” Aiden sat up again and stared at Emily.
Emily didn’t hesitate. “Amen.”
Aiden settled back into his pillow. His eyebrows were still low over his eyes, his hurt and frustration easy to see. “You always have to say amen.” He looked from Noah to Emily and back again. “Else you don’t even mean what you prayed.”
That was all Noah could take. He bent down and kissed Aiden’s cheek. “You’re right, buddy.” He smiled at his son. He couldn’t think of anything harder than saying goodbye to Aiden and Olivia. Now and again tomorrow. He ran his thumb along his son’s brow. “I love you, Aiden.”
The child stared at him for a long moment. His eyes told the story. He wasn’t okay. Fear and uncertainty had never been part of his life. Not ever. Not until tonight. And Aiden didn’t want any of it. “I love you, too, Daddy.”
Noah smiled again and then he let go of Aiden’s hand and moved to Olivia’s bed. Emily went to Aiden’s at the same time. Again they didn’t look at each other. Noah stared into the innocent eyes of his baby girl. “Good night, Livi.” He kissed her cheek and held her hand for a long moment. “Daddy loves you.”
