Page 61 of When We Were Young
After a few seconds she seemed to remember her age or the situation or the fact that life had changed, and she stepped back. “I’ve missed you, Dad.”
He didn’t know what to say. Half of his life was gone. Disappeared. More than half. So he just hugged her again and pointed to their picnic. “Let’s eat lunch.”
They sat on the blanket and Noah had an idea. “How about we pick a question? Then everyone can answer it.” The kids weren’t as happy as they’d been at the playground, but they were kind, at least. They clearly wanted this time with him. “I’ll go first.” Noah thought for a second. “Greatest accomplishment in your life so far.”
Aiden leaned back on his elbow. His eyes looked so much lighter than before. “That’s easy. League MVP last football season.”
Noah wasn’t surprised. But the detail was new to him. He nodded. “I’m proud of you, Aiden. I... I can’t wait to see you play.”
“Dad?” Olivia sat cross-legged and stared at him. “You never go to Aiden’s games.”
There was no way that could be true. He’d started to say so when Aiden spoke up. “That’s okay.” His smile fell off a little. “You will one day. Right, Dad?”
He didn’t go to his son’s games? Really? What sort of father was he? Noah hated himself, but again if this was his reality he had to say something. “I will. Definitely.”
“Okay.” Olivia still sounded carefree. Like the time on the playground had changed her. “My greatest accomplishment. Hmmm.” She giggled. “Not the monkey bars, that’s for sure.”
“What about dance?” Aiden was more interested now, in Noah and his sister. “You’re amazing, Liv.”
Olivia was a dancer. Like her mother. Suddenly all Noah could see was Emily, the way she’d looked moving across the dance floor in the rehearsal studio at Indiana University. The way Clara had cheered for her and Noah had breathed in the sight of her. Grace personified. Of course Olivia was a dancer.
His daughter clapped her hands and grinned at Aiden. “Yeah, that’s it.” She lifted vulnerable eyes to Noah. “My solo at the last recital. That was my greatest accomplishment.”
“I agree.” Noah was taking a chance. He must’ve been at Olivia’s dance recital. Certainly. But he could tell from the look on her face that he hadn’t been there.
“Did you ever watch the video, Daddy?” The hurt in his daughter’s eyes was palpable.
Seeing the brokenness in Olivia was more painful for Noah than any headache ever could be. “I did.” He must have. “You were beautiful, Livi. The best dancer ever. Just like your mother.”
The kids seemed uncomfortable with the mention of their mom. Aiden sat up and put his legs out in front of him. “What about you, Dad? What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Noah’s answer was easy. “Loving your mother and being a dad to the two of you. In all my life there’s never been anything greater than that.”
For the next minute, Aiden and Olivia only stared at him. A lifetime of pain shone in their eyes. Olivia broke the silence first. “Then why did you leave us?”
“Leave you?” Noah shook his head. “Livi, I never left you. I’m right here.”
“You know what she means, Dad.” Aiden sounded frustrated. “Why’d you move out? We were just babies. I was four years old.”
“And I was two.” Olivia’s eyes welled with tears. “All I ever wanted was my daddy living in the same house as me.”
Noah felt his eyes well up.What kind of man have I become, God? Who am I?He needed to be alone. He couldn’t take the heartbreak of what he was learning. He had walked out on them? All of them? Why would he do that? What could possibly be bad enough to make him move out? He hung his head. No wonder Emily wasn’t around.
“I remember something.” Aiden was still looking at Noah, still caught up in the moment. “It was the night before you left. You came into my room and sat on my bed. And you told me nothing would change. You’d be there for me, even though you lived in another house.” He shook his head. “But that never happened.”
“You don’t go to Aiden’s games or my dance recitals.” Olivia dabbed at her eyes. And for a moment Noah could see the little girl she’d once been. Before he ruined everything. Before he became the worst dad ever. She blinked and two tears fell onto her cheeks. “If... we’re your greatest accomplishment, why didn’t you stay, Daddy? Why didn’t you keep loving Mommy?”
He had no answers. So he said the only thing he could say. “I’m sorry.” His own face was wet now. He held out his arms and Olivia came to him, cuddled up beside him the way she used to do when she was just two. “I’m so sorry.”
Aiden didn’t have to be asked. He stood and crossed the blanket to Noah and sat close to him on the other side. “I used to wonder if you ever loved us at all.”
“I do.” Noah put his arm around his son. “I’m so sorry.”
The mood stayed sweet between them through lunch and back at Noah’s apartment. He understood now. It was all his fault. He had moved out. Somehow he had walked away from the only girl he ever loved. He had left Emily and the kids. And all these years his children had wondered if he ever cared at all. And because of some terrible aftereffect of his concussions, he couldn’t remember any of it. A handful of memories in more than a decade. He needed to see a doctor, but then what?
Nothing could give him those years back.
Sometime that evening, Emily came for the kids. Noah gave them their phones, then he hugged them and kissed their heads. Things would be different, he promised. They’d never have to wonder if he loved them. He did. He always had. All of them cried and held on to each other until finally Emily left the car and ran up the sidewalk to Noah’s front door.
