Page 72 of When We Were Young
His son turned back around one last time. “I gotta go, Dad.” Impatience marked his voice. Not the disrespect of a fifteen-year-old, but the certain disdain of one man to another. “What is it?”
There were a hundred things Noah wanted to say. But only one mattered. “I’m sorry.” He shook his head and looked off for a minute, at a past broken in tiny day-size pieces. All that he could recall. “I don’t remember everything I did to let you and Olivia down. To hurt you two.”
“And Mom,” Aiden cut in.
“Yes.” Noah locked eyes with Aiden again. “And Mom.” He exhaled, dizzy from the pain in his head. “But I’m sorry. I’m just so very sorry.” He hesitated. “Please believe me.”
He wanted to run to Aiden and take him in his arms, undo all the terrible ways he’d abandoned his son. Build something better. Starting today. Didn’t Aiden know? He would walk through fire for his son. Whatever it took. Except Noah hadn’t done that at all. He hadn’t walked through fire. He had walked out instead. He whispered the words once more. “I’m sorry.”
A long pause, then Aiden nodded. “Yeah, Dad.” His eyes softened, just enough to give him away. “That much I believe.” He gave a final sad look at Noah and then walked off the stage.
A minute passed while Noah stood there, his son’s letter in his hands. Gradually he made sense of things the way they were. Aiden’s harsh words weren’t just because he hated Noah or felt disgust for him. Those things were probably true. But the real reason Aiden felt this way was because he was so hurt. Deeply hurt. The kind of pain that could only be inflicted on a boy by his father.
A father who had walked away when that child was just four years old. Aiden might be grown, he might be a man ready to take on the world. But that little boy still lived inside him. He still wanted nothing more than a daddy who stayed.
Noah had seen all that in Aiden’s eyes. And there wasn’t a thing he could do about it.
The ceremony passed in a blur. Noah’s headache wouldn’t let up, but he stayed focused. He watched his little girl step onto the stage, her blond hair short and spiky with pink-dyed tips.
She looked sure of herself, but hard at the same time. Like she’d fought an army of demons to get here. Noah narrowed his eyes and suddenly she wasn’t eighteen in a cap and gown. She was his Livi, toddling across the floor to him, arms open wide.
Daddy!... Hold me, Daddy.
And he was picking her up and swinging her around in his arms and thinking how she looked like her mama. And Clara, too. The innocence in her eyes was Clara’s. And he was whispering into her ear, “I love you, Livi.... Daddy will always be here for you.”
But he hadn’t kept his promise.
From his dark seat in the back, away from Emily and Bob and Aiden, tears filled his eyes and ran down his cheeks. He had let his baby girl down every way a daddy could. He blinked and the memory disappeared. Instead there she was, eighteen and angry, taking her diploma and moving ahead without smiling or even shaking the principal’s hand. Her contempt for school and authority was palpable.
Noah wondered if everyone else in the gym could feel it.
When the ceremony was over, when parents and family members were gathered around their graduates, congratulating them and taking pictures, Noah slipped to the back of the room and grabbed a Styrofoam cup of black coffee. He hung there and watched. Emily and Bob and Aiden approached Olivia, and for the first time that day, he saw the defiance in her eyes let up. She smiled at Emily and hugged her. For a long time. As if the two of them had survived some terrible ordeal. The way soldiers looked when they’d survived a war together.
The sight burned through Noah’s heart. He felt the truth hit him like a kick to the stomach. He was the ordeal. He was the war. No getting around that now.
Noah looked up in time to see Bob hug her. Whatever he said, his words must’ve been kind because they both smiled and hugged again. Bob, the good guy. The one who had taken over Noah’s family. The guy who had stepped in when he stepped out.
Stepped up when Noah stepped down.
The weight of it all made it hard for Noah to breathe. Okay, so he’d made the terrible decision to walk out on Emily. But why hadn’t he been a better father? What could’ve made him miss his children’s special moments? Was it his aching head? The memory loss? Noah tried to focus.
Next Aiden walked up and hugged Olivia. But it was clear the two weren’t close. Or maybe Aiden was disappointed in her. Something was off.
After a few minutes, Olivia pulled away to talk to another student. Noah watched her go. This was his chance to make a move. If he didn’t talk to her now, he would lose his opportunity. But she hadn’t seen him yet, so she was starting to turn away.
“Olivia!” He cupped his hands around his mouth. “Olivia! Wait.”
His voice seemed to startle her. In slow motion she turned and looked at him. For a fraction of an instant he saw his little girl in her eyes. His Livi. But then just as fast it was replaced by anger. An anger that took Noah’s breath.
Never mind. Nothing could keep Noah from her now. He walked straight up to her and put his hand on her shoulder. “You did it!” He forced himself to sound excited. Pushed himself to ignore the way Olivia smelled faintly of pot. Just like Emily had said. He looked past the dark circles under her eyes.
“What are you doing?” She brushed his hand from her shoulder.
“Olivia, please.” He lowered his voice. “I’m here to support you.” He tried to find a smile. “Congratulations.” The uncertainty in his tone felt awkward even to him. “I’m proud of you.”
She took a step back. “I told Mom I didn’t want you to come.”
That wasn’t what Emily had said. Panic tightened its grip around Noah’s throat. What was he supposed to say? “I... wanted to be here. I wouldn’t miss it.” He wanted her to really hear him. The things in his heart. “Look, whatever I’ve done in the past, I’m sorry. I never... ever meant to hurt you.”
