Page 81 of When We Were Young
Lifeless.
The whole time, Aiden stayed a few steps back and shook his head. “It’s too late for her, Dad. She wants this. Her entire life is about her next fix.” His voice was louder now, higher-pitched.
Noah looked over his shoulder and there it was, how much Aiden really cared. His son was crying. “She won’t leave. I’ve tried.”
This was an emergency. Noah fumbled for his phone. With shaking hands he dialed 9-1-1 and almost instantly someone spoke on the other end. “Nine-one-one, what’s your emergency?”
“My daughter.” Noah could feel the damp earth leaking through his pants. He was still on his knees, still leaning over Olivia. “She’s on the ground beneath the Fourth Street bridge. I think... she overdosed on heroin. Please can you send someone?”
The operator promised to send an ambulance. Noah cradled Olivia’s dirty head in his hands. He kissed her forehead and her cheek.
“Livi, wake up!” This time Noah shouted the words. “Wake up, baby. It’s your daddy.” And in the horror of the moment, Noah remembered something. He was a paramedic! He could help her!
He felt for her pulse again. Nothing. He moved his fingers, changed the position of his hand.Come on, God, where’s her pulse?Tears spilled from his eyes and his body shook.No! God, please not Olivia!
Aiden joined him on the ground now, kneeling at her side. He placed his hand on Noah’s back. “Dad... is she? Is she gone?”
“No! She’s still with us. She has to be!” Noah sprang into action. He straightened Olivia’s arms and legs and started chest compressions on her. Everything was coming back to him now, how to work on a patient. How to save a life. If he could help other people surely he could bring back Olivia.
Bent over her, Noah put his face near hers. “Breathe, Livi! Breathe.”
But she wasn’t responding. He pinched her nose and opened her mouth. Never mind the dried foam around the edges of her lips or her cold skin. Never mind that for other people, death looked this way.
It couldn’t happen to Olivia. Not for his little girl.
Eight quick exhales, then Noah pushed on her chest again. One... two... three... four. “Livi, wake up. Baby, I’m here.” He was crying and shouting, pleading for her to open her eyes, to draw a breath. “Please, God!” He stood and screamed at the heavens. “Help her! I can’t lose her.”
Noah dropped to his knees and started the exhalations again. He wasn’t sure how long that went on, but suddenly a team of paramedics was standing nearby, moving him aside. They ran tests and checked her pulse.
Aiden was pacing a few feet away. “God, be with my sister. Please, would You breathe life into her? Please, God!”
After a few minutes one of the paramedics turned to him. A guy Noah didn’t recognize. He hung his head, walked up and lifted his face to Noah. His eyes held no hope. “I’m sorry.” He put his hand on Noah’s arm. “She’s gone.” He sighed and looked back at Olivia’s body. “There was nothing we could do.”
“No! Not my little girl!” Noah fell to his knees again. This couldn’t be happening. He didn’t want to live if his daughter was dead. He bent over, his face down amidst the needles and trash. “Livi!” He screamed her name into the mud and garbage around him. “Come back to me, baby!”
But she wasn’t coming back. Olivia was dead and all he wanted was to die, too.
Take me back, Father. Back to when Emily still loved me and Aiden was four and Olivia was two. Back to when we were young.Noah couldn’t bear to open his eyes, couldn’t stand to see his daughter’s broken thin lifeless body lying amidst the trash.
This was all his fault. He didn’t deserve to live. He buried his face deeper in the dirt.Take me back, Lord. Take me there or take my life.
Suddenly something was happening. Noah felt dizzy and sick and like he was falling. But there was nowhere to land. All of life was rushing past, but no one could see him or hear him. “Livi, baby... Daddy loves you.”
He screamed the words, but they never left his mouth. Whatever this was, he was all by himself. He could no longer hear Aiden crying behind him, no longer feel the rush of interstate traffic overhead. No longer see the flashing lights from the ambulance. He was cold and desperate and alone.
And all around him was nothing but darkness.
25
The pounding was everywhere, throughout his head and heart and soul. Noah turned from one side to the other, tangled up in the trash and debris around him. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t sort through the awful truth. Olivia was gone. His baby girl had died and he hadn’t had the chance to say goodbye.
He was dead, right? Or at least he thought so. Probably in hell, since that was what he deserved. Grace wasn’t for people like him.
But then he felt something smooth and cool. Cloth against his skin. His eyes jerked open and he sat straight up, gasping for breath. It was pouring rain outside. That was the pounding. He felt his knees, but they were dry. Like he hadn’t just been kneeling beside his Olivia. And his headache was gone.
But why wasn’t she here? What had they done with her body?
His eyes darted around the room, his breathing coming in short gulps and gasps. Where in the world was he? The sheets were wrapped around his legs and torso. Twisted and tight, like they were trying to suffocate him. He was in bed, that’s where he was. Right here in bed.
