Page 40 of Truly, Madly, Deeply
Tommy stepped back, his sides heaving, and he crumpled to the floor. There on the cool cement, the tears came. An ocean of them.
Sobs seized him and he covered his face. “No! Not Annalee. Please, God.” The words seethed inside him and filled the air around him. And then Tommy wept like he’d never done in all his life.
At that instant, the garage door opened and his dad saw him. From his place on the cement floor, Tommy could see the shock on his father’s face. The fear. “Tommy!” In a rush his dad was beside him, helping him up. “Son… we didn’t even know you were home. What… what are you doing?”
Tommy was still gasping for breath. “Beat… beatingit!” They were the only words he could say. The only thing he wanted to do.
His father pulled him into his arms and held him. For a long time.
And even though he was exhausted and hurting and brokenhearted, Tommy had the sense he had done good here tonight. Gone twelve rounds with his invisible enemy, the opponent that had haunted him since the doctor called with the news. The one he alone would never defeat, no matter how many times he ripped into the punching bag.
Annalee’s cancer.
14
Her hair was everywhere, and Annalee couldn’t stand it.
She didn’t want another morning of finding blond silk clumps on the pillow or watching her pretty hair fall to the floor when she crossed the room. She didn’t want to see it scattered on her bathroom sink or dropping in sections at the dining room table.
This was Day 10 since her chemo began and it was time.
Annalee had made the plan with her mother yesterday, and now—Saturday afternoon—she was ready to see it acted out. Gathered in her family’s great room was everyone Annalee loved. Her parents and her brother. Her aunt and uncle from Bloomington and Tommy’s parents. Also two of her closest friends from school.
And Tommy.
She had planned what to say, so she walked to the front of the room, where a sheet was spread out over the carpet. Every step was like trudging through knee-deep snow and her nausea was like a fog. Pressing in around her.
When she turned and faced the group, her eyes found Tommy’s. For a long time she only looked at him.His handsome face and clear blue eyes. How kind he had been to her these past two weeks, standing at her side, sitting at her hospital bed. Praying for her. And believing she would get through this. That most of all.
She cleared her throat. “My hair… it has to go.” What remained of it was in a ponytail. Annalee removed the pink scrunchie and slipped it onto her wrist. If she’d thought of this a week ago, she could’ve donated it or had a wig made from her hair.
But she didn’t have enough left for that now.
For the last time in a long time, Annalee felt her hair spill over her shoulders and around her face. The feeling was all she’d ever known. She breathed deep and took a pair of orange scissors from the barstool next to her. “I asked you here to help make me bald.” She smiled, but there was nothing funny about the moment.
At the back of the room she saw tears gather in her mother’s eyes. Same with her aunt and Mrs. Baxter.Be strong,she told herself.Jesus, give me strength, I beg You.A calm came over Annalee. “Rather than seeing my hair fall out piece by piece, I would like each of you to cut a section from my head.”
The room was silent.
Annalee swallowed.Don’t turn and run to your room. You can do this. God, help me do this.“Last, I’d like Aunt Lily to shave my head.” Lily owned a beauty salon in Bloomington. She would be best able to shave Annalee’s head when the cutting was over.
Annalee had saved the best part for last. “What willmake today different, is that as you each cut a part of my hair, I’d like you to pray for me. Out loud. So that this”—she ran her hand through her hair and came out with a knot of blond—“this isn’t something happening to me against my will. But something I release… to God… while each of you prays.”
“Like a holy time.” Her dad added his voice like a coda. “I think we’re each honored that you asked us to be here, to take part in this, sweetheart.”
Everyone in the room nodded. Some had tears, but a few of them smiled. Not because there was anything happy about this moment, but as if they were trying to comfort her. Agree with her plan.
“Are you ready?” Her mom came to her side. “And are you sure?”
“Yes.” Annalee hoisted herself onto the stool. She used her phone to start a playlist of worship music. Songs she had chosen yesterday, specifically for this time. “Way Maker” by Leeland came on first. It was one of Annalee’s favorites. She slipped the phone into her sweater pocket.
Before anyone moved or started cutting, Tommy took another barstool from the kitchen and brought it alongside Annalee. Then he reached for her hands and locked eyes with her. “Right here, Annalee,” he whispered. “Keep looking at me. I won’t let you fall.”
Only then did tears fill her eyes. But they weren’t tears of sorrow or defeat. They came from the overflow of her heart, from the place that belonged to TommyBaxter alone. He was struggling with this. Wondering why God wasn’t helping her. But he did his best to hide his frustration from her, especially now. Of course he wasn’t going to let her fall. She squeezed his hands and faced him.
In the background the first song played on. It sang of God being the way maker, the miracle worker, the promise keeper and the light in the darkness. It was true. God was with her. He held her life and the number of her days and He would make a way for her. He would work a miracle out of this nightmare. And He would keep His promises because He was the light both in and around her.
He was good. Even if she didn’t survive this cancer.
