Page 44 of Truly, Madly, Deeply
Guilt mixed with her fear. “What… did he tell you?”
“Remember that boy in third grade? The one with braces on his legs?”
Of course she remembered. “Tommy stuck up for him at recess. Took down the bully who tripped the poor boy.”
“Exactly.” Luke crossed his arms. “Has it ever occurred to you that just maybe Tommy was born to do police work?”
She held her breath. Tommy was too young to know what he wanted. He hadn’t finished with a 4.0 GPA andthe highest test scores in the city so that after graduation he could go to one of the nation’s top universities. God clearly wanted him to pursue higher education. The doctor and lawyer route. Also being a cop was dangerous and—
A dozen more rebuttals fought for position in Reagan’s mind. But she couldn’t say any of them.
Instead she could see Tommy sitting in the principal’s office that third-grade year explaining his position. His little voice and big conviction. “I’m sorry, sir,” Tommy had said. “But someone had to help Kevin.”
And suddenly the truth came over her like rain. How come she hadn’t remembered that before? Not just the time in third grade, but a line of memories took their place in her mind. Each of them involving Tommy standing up for someone.
Reagan covered her eyes with both hands. Luke was right. Tommyhadalways helped people. He was wired that way from the time he was a child. With the realization came a regret like nothing Reagan had felt in a long time. She lowered her hands and looked at Luke. “You’re right.” She shook her head. “I… forgot about that.”
“I wondered.” He reached across the table and took her hand. “You’re not really angry at him, anyway.”
The feel of his skin against hers was something she had missed. More than she knew. Luke was right about this, too. Of course she wasn’t angry at Tommy. How could she be upset with him for wanting to be a police officer? That didn’t even make sense. “I can’t believe how I treated him.”
Luke studied her. “You two need to talk. That’s all.”
“But I still feel…” She was shaking now. “Couldn’t he help people in a hospital? Or in a court of law?”
“You’re scared.” Compassion filled Luke’s expression. “You’re afraid, Reagan. That’s all.”
Of course that was it. Ever since Tommy had told them his decision, fear had practically suffocated her. “You think that’s it? Fear made me get angry with him?”
Luke waited a moment before responding. “Tell me, sweetheart. How have you spent your free time these last few weeks?” His smile was gentle. “I think I know… but tell me.”
Reagan withdrew her hand and sat back in the wooden chair. “I knew you caught me that one day.” She felt sick again. “Every Google search led to another. I… came across a fallen officers page. All the fallen police as far back as you could go. Men and women who had been shot to death or killed in pursuit of a suspect. Guys in their forties who had dropped dead of a heart attack in the middle of training. Officers dying from 9/11-related illnesses—like Ashley told us about.”
“So… you’ve spent hours there.” Luke wasn’t asking. Somehow he knew. “All that time on that site. Seeing how cops die?”
Reagan took a long sip of her latte. She shook her head. “No. That was just part of it.” Her Google search had only fueled her fear. No question. Sometimes she had searched police officer dangers until her chest was too tight to take a full breath. She felt ashamed of herself.“I also looked up police risks and police ambushes. I googled the photos of spouses and kids left behind when an officer had died. And I researched what happens to a cop who sees too much violence.”
Luke didn’t blink, didn’t look away. His tone was rich with understanding. “Did that help?”
Her frustration bubbled up again. “Maybe it did.” She leaned her forearms on the table. “Luke, being a police officer is dangerous. It is. The more I researched it, the more true that became for me.”
“And Tommy knows that.” Luke took both her hands this time. “Honey, life is dangerous. Doctors have heart attacks and lawyers sometimes get stalked by the suspects they prosecute.” He paused. “Look at your dad. No one would’ve thought being a businessman would be dangerous.”
He was right. Reagan had shared with Luke the story about her father, the one her mom had told her on the anniversary of 9/11. “The thing is…” Reagan searched Luke’s eyes. “I don’t know how I can live through it. Every day… not knowing whether he’ll come home.”
They finished their coffees and Luke moved to the chair beside her. The shop was nearly empty except for the two of them. “Come here.” Luke took her in his arms. “Faith in God, Reagan. That’s how we’ll both get through it.”
Reagan still couldn’t believe it. Were they really talking about this? Really coming to agreement that their Tommy was going to be a police officer? Shouldn’t there be more discussion, at least? Did Tommy really know therisks of being a cop? She dropped her voice to a whisper. “The average life expectancy of a police officer is just fifty-seven years.”
“Reagan.” His eyes were kinder still. “Only God knows the number of our days.”
“But that’s nearly twenty-two years less than—” She stopped herself. “Only God knows.”
“Yes.”
A sigh slipped from the deepest place in Reagan’s soul. If Tommy wanted to fight crime with his one precious life, that was his choice. Not hers.
Luke had to leave. He had a meeting back at the office. They stood and Reagan leaned her head against his for a few seconds. “I’m sorry again. For how I’ve been.”
