Page 20 of Forgiving Paris
“What did you think? When you heard I was pregnant?” It was a question Ashley had wanted to ask her husband since the day she saw him again after having Cole. Sometime after she had returned to Bloomington. “I’ve… always been afraid to ask.”
“Always?” Landon looked wounded. “Are you serious?”
The plane shuddered a bit, but Ashley barely noticed. “I guess… I never wanted to know the answer. How you really felt.”
He brushed her hair from her forehead. “How Ireallyfelt?” He took his time. “I was devastated, Ashley.”
A rush of tears stung her eyes and she nodded. Her voice was so tight, the next words were difficult to say. “See? That’s why.” She looked away. “I… I didn’t want to hear… that you saw me differently. I still don’t want to know that.”
“Ash.” His voice was the softest touch against her heart. “You think I was upset… because you’d stepped out of some perfect box? Honestly?”
“Of course.” She worked to keep her voice at a whisper. “I was AshleyBaxter. You fell in love with me when we were in fifth grade.” A tear fell onto her cheek and she let it be. “You thought I was perfect, Landon. A Baxter girl. And that I’d always be perfect.”
“No.” He didn’t hesitate. “I knew you weren’t perfect.No one’s perfect.” He shook his head. “I was upset back thenbecauseI knew you. I knew how important your family was to you and I knew that for you to come home from Paris pregnant and alone… after what had happened the year before with the accident… I was worried you’d never be the same again. That I’d lose you for good.”
“Wait…” Another switch flipped. “You… you weren’t disappointed in me?”
“No. I was terrified. I wanted to run to you and take you in my arms and tell you that whatever had happened, wherever you’d been and whoever had broken your heart in Paris, it was all going to be okay.” He leaned close and kissed her. Just long enough so she could feel the familiar passion. “Like I said… because I knew you, Ash. Then and now.”
Ashley’s understanding of the past, the way she’d always assumed Landon had felt after hearing the news, began to change. It no longer fit her longtime narrative. “And… that day. What happened after Jalen came and told you?”
Landon hesitated, but then he shook his head. He put his finger to her lips. “Let’s save that… for another day.”
“A Paris day?” Ashley thought she understood. This trip wasn’t only about her laying to rest what had happened all those years ago. He needed to do the same. Something she had never considered before.
“Yes. A Paris day.” He leaned back into his seat and smiled at her. “Now… let’s try to sleep. Last night I barely closed my eyes and it was morning.”
“Same.” Ashley turned to the window again. Of course, he hadn’t judged her. That never would’ve been Landon. If she’d thought about it, she would’ve realized long ago that she didn’t need to worry about asking him that question or anything else.
Another thing… she should’ve told Landon her secret. Enough time had gone by that the whole dark situation felt like a figment of her imagination. Like another bad dream. Better to tell her husband, so he could assure her that the evil she had seen and heard and felt back in Paris was not a danger to her. Not now and not back then.
That would be one more conversation to have in Paris.
The pilot found smooth air again as they prepared to land in New York. Ashley looked at Landon. He was asleep, so she closed her eyes. Everything in her wanted to go back in time, back to her first trip to Paris. She would have done everything differently if she’d had the chance. She could feel the memories of that time building in her heart, demanding to be replayed.
There was no point going back. Remembering her time in Paris would help nothing.
Instead, she did something she hadn’t done often lately. She pictured her mother. Her beautiful mother, forever young and gone too soon from cancer. What would her mom think of her going to Paris now? An actual accomplished artist. Ashley smiled.
She had been ten years old, and her parents had gotten her a sketchbook before the move from Michigan to Indiana. One late afternoon, Mom found her sketching thebackyard tree house. For a long while, her mother just sat next to her, watching Ashley work. Her mom looked from the drawing to the tree house and back again.
After a while Mom leaned in close. “You are such a gifted artist, Ashley. One day everyone will know your work. I believe that.”
Ashley’s heart had swelled almost to bursting. She looked up. “Really?”
“Yes!” Mom ran her finger over Ashley’s drawing. “You know where famous artists display their best work?”
Even then Ashley had known. “Paris!” She had bounced a little in her seat. “Near the awful Tower.”
Mom had smiled. “Eiffel. TheEiffelTower. Not awful.” She patted Ashley’s head. “So, what do you think, Ash? About Paris?”
Ashley had stared at her drawing and then up at her mother. “Mom… one day you can go with me to Paris… and I’ll paint pictures there.”
The memory faded and Ashley stared out the window again.Mom, you would be so proud of me. Going to Paris again. Having a show at the very gallery…The very gallery where the previous owner had called her paintings American trash.
The thought of Paris still made her feel terrible about herself. Like nothing she did or ever could do would be good enough. Not for her family or God or the art community or her son Cole.
And definitely not for Landon Blake.
