Page 20 of Idol Lives
“Kanpai,” Ren replied, offering the Japanese version of the classic toast, and clinked his cup against Tae Hyun’s.
Tae Hyun threw back his sake, the chilled liquid easily sliding down his throat. “Ooh, that’s smooth.”
Ren chuckled and picked up his beer. “This place might look rough, but they know their sake.” He took a long pull from the green bottle and set it back down. “So, what’s on your mind?”
Tae Hyun frowned, unsure how much of his sudden mood shift he’d given away. “What do you mean?”
Ren’s understanding smile was a little sad. “I saw your moodchange. It happens. You can talk about it if you want. Or not. We could also just enjoy this beer.”
Tae Hyun sighed, the afternoon escape already losing some of its luster. It should’ve been fun. After all the work he’d done preparing for the tour, he was allowed to have fun. Jason would’ve certainly agreed, even from an ocean away.You always complain about not having any friends, he would’ve said.Here’s one right here. And Ren might want to be friends, but was it worth the risk? He could lie, pretend it was tour stress. But Ren was a fellow idol. He’d see right through it. And anyway, wasn’t this what he wanted? Someone to confide in?
“Honestly, I am having fun. But–” Tae Hyun hesitated. “But I feel guilty about it.” There was no taking it back now. “I left Jason in LA to handle the funeral and all the family stuff. And here I am, having fun when I have work to do.”
Ren slowly nodded, his eyes heavy with compassion. “And you miss him.”
Tae Hyun groaned. “I miss him so much!” A self-deprecating chuckle slipped out. “I used to be a complete loner. Out of necessity, you know? But now? It’s been days since I last saw Jason, and he’s all I think about.”
“I get it,” Ren quietly answered, his gaze drifting away as if lost in his memories. He blinked, refocusing on Tae Hyun. “Being in the closet? It fucks with your head, even after you come out.”
“In some ways, it was easier before,” Tae Hyun admitted.
“But in others–” Ren trailed off, leaving the obvious part unspoken. He used the silence to refill their sake cups. “It can get lonely,” he finished, taking a small sip.
Tae Hyun nodded, the sake pleasantly warming him from within. “Too lonely.” Loneliness was the one constant, theprice you paid for keeping the truth a secret.
A shadow of something unreadable briefly darkened Ren’s expression and was gone as quickly as it appeared. “I know the feeling,” he admitted, raw and vulnerable. “Even with tour life and all the fans, you could spend all your time surrounded by people and still be lonely. At the end of the day, there’s still that disconnect. That emptiness.” He leaned forward, his voice dropping a conspiratorial notch. “We put on this persona, but it’s not our real selves, right?”
Tae Hyun hesitated, the sudden shift in conversation catching him off-guard. Ren’s gaze held an intensity that was both unsettling and oddly comforting. “We do what we have to,” he finally agreed, taking a swig of his beer to hide his unease. It was all so familiar, the loneliness lurking beneath the glamor. It was a loneliness he’d forced on himself for years, hiding his pain and vulnerability behind an impenetrable wall. He’d only let a handful of people past that wall. His sister. Yoo Mi. And, most recently, Jason. Maybe it was time for one more.
Ren nodded, sharing a sympathetic smile. “It’s not exactly a normal life. Sometimes–” He paused, his eyes searching Tae Hyun’s for something. “Sometimes a little bit of normal, even for a few hours, can make all the difference.”
That statement deeply resonated with Tae Hyun. With Jason a world away, that shared moment with Ren, oddly enough, felt closest to normal. “Yeah. You’re totally right.”
A ghost of a smile played on Ren’s lips. “I know. It’s why I was so excited to meet you.” His expression subtly shifted, more vulnerability replacing the faint smile. “I haven’t really had anyone to talk about this shit with. Not anyone who really gets it, you know?”
Tae Hyun slowly nodded. Ren understood his experiencesin a way others hadn’t. Their secret was more than surface-level similarity. It was a bond built from isolation and shared risk. “Can I ask about–you know? What happened?”
Ren smirked. “You didn’t read the gossip blogs?”
“Of course I did. But–” Tae Hyun trailed off with a shrug. “They’re all just lies and fan service.”
Ren bitterly laughed. “Don’t I know it.” His smile faded. “The stories about me were mostly true. I started seeing this guy on the production team–it was complicated. We couldn’t openly date, so we hid everything as much as possible.” He took a deep breath. “And then things got messy. A jealous friend of his threatened to out us, and I had no fucking idea what to do.” He shrugged. “So, I came clean and told my label.”
Tae Hyun’s eyes widened with shock. “You did? That was risky.”
Ren snorted. “I was young and naive. I figured they’d spent so much time and money on me they’d never fire me just for rumors.”
Tae Hyun laughed. He’d always known that wasn’t true, but he could relate to being young and naive. “What did they say?”
Ren smiled. “They said coming out was the best way to control the damage, but there were no guarantees.”
Tae Hyun’s jaw dropped. KBR would never have been so supportive. “Really? They didn’t even try firing you?”
Ren shrugged again. “I’m sure they discussed it. But everything ended up working out for them, right? Having a gay idol was a novelty and good for PR.” He hesitated. “Yeah, I lost some fans, but I eventually gained more. Of course, it wasn’t as simple as the headlines make it out.”
“That part I get,” Tae Hyun admitted with a wry smile. “But that’s not the whole story, is it?”
Ren’s chuckle had a hint of sadness. “That’s the sanitized drama series version. There were bad nights and lots of arguments.” He huffed, his nonchalant facade crumbling as he teared up. “And the guy I was seeing when all that shit started? He fucking bailed on me anyway. Left the label and just disappeared. It was so lonely. I almost quit the whole damn thing.”
