Page 39 of Just Friends Forever
I hesitate to turn toward Siena and Tori, worried the first thing they’ll want to discuss is the interrupted hug or the collar button. But me staring at the door Troy just left through is only going to make things worse.
I’ve misjudged them, though. They don’t bring it up at all. They’re just as eager as I am to relax and have a good old-fashioned girls’ night. Tori’s brought all the fixings for gel manicures, and Siena is armed with chocolate, chips, and soda.
We turn on a chick flick, but within twenty minutes, it’s become background noise to our conversation. The Sheppards have always been the most fun family I know, and my cheeks are aching after an hour with Tori and Siena. I can’t remember the last time I had a night like this. It’s good for my soul.
I ask them about what’s happened in their lives since I last saw them, which is a lot, given the fact Siena is a married woman now. Hearing the story of how she and Jack fell in love—with perfectly timed interjections from Tori—makes me so happy for her. It also fills me with envy.
She has what I thought I would have with Curtis.
Once I’m up to speed on their lives, I realize it’s my turn. I’m up next for an update, and they’re waiting for it.
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Siena says.
I send her a grateful smile. It’s not even that I don’t want to talk about it. The problem is not knowing what to say. For months, I had to keep everything to myself. I was desperate for someone to talk to. But now that I have the opportunity, I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing.
I don’t want to talk badly about Curtis—I promised myself I wouldn’t be that sort of ex-wife—and I don’t want to seem ungrateful for what I’ve had because of our relationship. I don’t want to seem hung up on him, but I also don’t want to seem like I’m moving on too quickly.
Walking the path of divorce is a hard, thorny path for anyone, but for someone in the public eye whose actions are hashed out over podcasts and social media and talk shows? It’s a minefield.
“But youcantalk to us, of course,” Tori adds. “Obviously, whatever you say here, stays here.”
“Thank you,” I say with real feeling. “I’m just not exactly surewhatto say.”
They both nod.
“Well, most importantly,” Tori says, “are you… okay?”
I think about the last year of my life, about the relief of finally being away from the lifestyle I had come to hate and all the pretending and performing that went along with it. But that relief slowly morphed into loneliness—a loneliness I fought by collecting imaginary pets. Sure, I could talk to other people on the phone, but I quickly learned that the gag order made communication stressful, awkward, and entirely unfulfilling. It left me feeling even emptier than before.
That all changed last week. Replying to Troy’s text and inviting him to come over was the best decision I’ve made in a long time.
“I’m okay now,” I say with a smile. “Troy has been really amazing and helpful. Obviously, there’s a lot of stuff to figure out and decisions I have to make, and I have no idea what I’m doing, but I hope sometime in the not-too-distant future, I’ll figure that out. Maybe I’ll have an epiphany or something. I’m just trying to look ahead now.”
“Good choice,” Siena says. “I’m sure it can’t be easy going through a divorce, but there are great things ahead of you, Stevie.”
Tori turns off the gel light and inspects her nails. “Give yourself time. It’s all really fresh, I’m sure.”
I chuckle. “For me, it feels like old news. It’s been in the works for a long time.”
“Really?” Tori says. “Like, how long?”
“Since we filed for divorce? Almost nine months. Since we started discussing divorce for the first time? Almost two years.”
Silence.
“Wow,” Siena says.
“Yeah,” I say. “So, being able to talk about it is what’s fresh, but for everyone else, it’sallbrand new. I’m trying to remember to give people time to catch up.”
They both shake their heads. “It’s your life, Steph,” Tori says. “You’re not obligated to give anyone anything.”
“I second that,” Siena says. “Heck, if you wanted to ditch us right now and go on a hot date, we’d be cheering you on! Jack has some friends.”
I laugh. “I appreciate that. I can’t even think about dating right now, but still, it means a lot for you to say that.” It’s nice to hear them vocalize their support, even though I know I’d be raked over the coals in the media for moving on so quickly.
The idea that I shouldn’t be worried about that, that I should do whatIwant, regardless of the public’s perception, is kind of a novel idea. Being conscious of the optics of everything and trying to control the narrative were concepts drilled into me for so long, I kind of forgot there was another way to live.
“Just do us a favor and keep an open mind,” Tori says. “Do things at your pace, not anyone else’s, okay?”
