Page 85 of Just Friends Forever
“I didn’t want to kiss him,” she continues. “I don’t want to kissanybody.”
I shove the triceps attachment into its bag. What she’s telling me should probably make me feel better, but it doesn’t. It’s the reminder I never needed that never ever in her time knowing me has Stevie wanted to kiss me, while I’ve never ever in my time knowing hernotwanted to kiss her.
“Troy,” she says, standing up, “I fulfilled a teenage dream of mine tonight, going out with Austin. Do you know who I was thinking about the whole time?”
I shake my head, but my head fills the silence. Curtis? Landon?
“You,” she says.
I still.
She steps toward me. “I know I have no right to say this to you after our history, and I should probably keep my mouth shut because I’m terrified what saying this might do to what we have. My life is already a ridiculous mess, and I’m probably just messing it up even more.” She stops just shy of me. “But I have to be honest with you, Troy. I can’t stop wondering what would happen if you and I gave things a chance.”
Ihavelost it. I’m making up this conversation in my head. Stevie’s mouth is moving, but my brain is dubbing over it in the language I want to hear.
No. I take that back. This is Austin’s doing.Heput Stevie up to this. He’s persuaded her she owes me a chance.
If he were here, I really would pull a Will Smith on him.
“Don’t, Stevie,” I say, finding more things to tidy up.
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t do this. You said it yourself. You’re just divorced. That’s confusing enough, and I can only assume Austin’s been putting stuff in your head about giving things a chance with me.” I shake my head and face her. “You don’t owe me anything.”
Her brows pull together tightly. I’m still not used to seeing her with her dark hair, but I wasn’t lying when I said she’s the most beautiful woman I know. Inside and out. I want her, every single bit of her, so much it physically hurts. The burn of my hot sauce has got nothing on it.
“Iamjust divorced, yes,” she says. “Technically. But Curtis and I were separated for a long time before that, Troy, and things weren’t good between us for a long time beforethat. I’ve had a lot more time to process things than you have.”
I don’t say anything. I don’t knowwhatto say. My mind is muddled, and my heart is trying to make its escape from the cage I’ve had it in most of my life.
“As for Austin,” she says, taking one more step toward me, “he didn’t tell me I owe you anything.” She stares into my eyes. “This is about whatI’vebeen feeling. It’s about hitting myself over the head for telling you ‘no’ all those years ago. It’s about what might have been if I hadn’t. It’s about the fact that I can’t stop thinking how it would feel to kiss you.”
I couldn’t talk if I wanted to. I can’t evenblink.
“I know you think of that day eight years ago as a mistake, and I know you don’t feel that way anymore—based on how you talk about it, I don’t know if you ever reallydidfeel more for me, but”—she lifts her shoulders and swallows—“I had to say something.”
I scrub my hand over my jaw. Ihavetalked about that night like it was a mistake. I hated seeing her retreat into herself afterward and how hard I had to work to reassure her I didn’t really feel that way.
If she couldn’t love me the way I loved her, I was happy at least having her as my best friend.
And that’s why I don’t know what to do right now. She’s offering me everything I’ve ever wanted.
Or so it seems. She says she’s been feeling this way for a while, but it can’t have been long. She’s only been here a week and a half. What if, even on an unconscious level, Stevie’s clinging to me because I’m the one shecancling to right now? What if we do give things a shot, and she realizes it’s not going to work?
“Stevie,” I say, rubbing my bald head. I can’t look her in the eye because, now that she’s put the invitation on the floor, I may not be able to stop myself from kissing her if I do.
She waits and waits for me to continue, but I don’t. I honestly don’t know what to do or say. I don’t know what would be worse: always wondering what it would have been like to have Stevie in that way, even if only for a short time? Or being haunted by the memory of it once it ends, knowing I had my dream in my arms and lost it?
Because I’ve seen this happen before. You don’t just lose your relationship; you lose the friendship too. It works out for some people, yeah, but what you don’t hear are all the stories where itdidn’t.It’s a heck of a lot to put on the line.
“Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut,” she finally says, “I just …” She lifts her shoulders helplessly.
“I just don’t know if it’s a good idea right now,” I say.
She nods, her cheeks infusing with color. “Yeah. Okay. I understand.” She offers a pathetic smile. “I’m tired, so I think I’ll head to bed.”
I clench my eyes shut as she turns away. What am I doing? All these years, I’ve held resentment in my heart toward Stevie for not giving me a chance, for rejecting me. Now that she’s offering me that chance, I rejecther?
