Page 101 of Hail Marry
It goes quiet again. Neither of us seems to know who should start.
I’ve just gotta go for it. “About what I said earlier,” I start. “The thing about touching…”
“Yeah,” she says.
“I hope I didn’t make things weird.”
She shakes her head. “No. I’m glad you said something because let’s be honest, ithasbeen weird for the past few days. Right?”
“Definitely.”
“I was worried you were regretting all of this, or maybe you’d met someone and were feeling weird about our situation, or you realized you actually can’t stand me, or?—”
I take a step toward her and put my hand on hers to stop the fidgeting. “Tori.” I wait until her gaze meets mine. “It’s nothing like that. And I’m sorry your mind took you to those places.”
She smiles wryly. “Those and about a thousand others. A woman’s mind is a busy place.”
I take her hand in mine, trying to gather the courage to tell her my real feelings. It’s not a skill I’ve developed. I’ve spent most of my life doing anything and everything to avoid putting myself out there emotionally. Trying to speak honestly and freely about my feelings now is the equivalent of opening up Hoover Dam.
I blow out a breath and a shaky laugh. “I suck at this.”
“Thisbeing…”
Now I’m the one fidgeting, playing with her fingers. “Talking about my feelings. For you.” I glance up.
“Your feelings for me,” she repeats. “And are those feelings…good? Bad?”
“I wish I knew that,” I admit.
Her eyes widen slightly.
“What I mean,” I hurry to say, realizing the way she might’ve interpreted my answer, “is that it sort of depends on how similar my feelings about you are to your feelings aboutme. Right?”
“Okay,” she says slowly. She looks at me and narrows her eyes, smiling slightly. “Luca Callahan…the man who runs headfirst into a huddle of massive football players but is afraid of words.”
I chuckle. “Is that weird to you? I’d take physical pain over emotional pain any day.”
She’s quiet as her eyes search mine. “And you think I’m going to cause you emotional pain?”
I force myself to meet her eyes, but it takes me what feels like a full minute to say, “You have the power to break me, Tori.”
She stares at me, her chest rising high and falling deep. She steps toward me, looking up at me with wide, genuine eyes. “But I won’t.”
My hand tightens on hers instinctively as my throat thickens. My whole life, I’ve refused to let myself seek out or even believe in relationships that can last. In people who will stick around.
But I’m so tired of fighting it, and I want to believe Tori. Idobelieve her. She’s been with me from the moment I met her. She’s sacrificed everything for me, and she’s done it without complaining.
Letting myself love and letting myselfbeloved…those are scary thoughts. But the thought of a future where I don’t even take that chance? Where I know for sure I won’t experience love?
That’s not what I want.
The doorbell rings, and we both startle.
Impulse tells me to ignore the sound, pretend it never happened. Why would I want to see the person who has the most awful timing on the planet?
Tori smiles ruefully. “I’ll get it. Probably a door-to-door salesman or something.” She lets go of my hand and points a finger at me. “Don’t go anywhere.”
I won’t. I would probably stand right here through tomorrow’s game if I needed to.
