Page 34 of Accidentally Falling for Her
Yeah, that’s kind of the whole point.
“Honestly, darling, you should know better than to talk back to your elders like that,” my mother adds, in her fake, sweet tone.
And on that note,I’m so fucking done with them.“Well, as much fun as this has been, I think we’re ready to call it a night,” I announce, pushing my seat out from the table. Parker follows me, and my mother calls something out about making sure we sleep in our own rooms.
It’s still pretty early for us to actually go to bed, so we decide to watch a Christmas movie in the home theater. Parker is appalled that I’ve never seenChristmas Vacation, so we put it on. It’s pretty funny and works as a great distraction.
Parker is quiet during the movie, which isn’t unusual for him, but he seems restless—getting up for more water or going to the bathroom a couple of times during the movie. I know being away from Oakley today has been hard on him, but I don’t think he’s ready to talk about it. He pulls out his phone, reminding me of my own, and I realize I was still recording.
Holy shit.
I wonder if the comments about his employee would beenough to threaten him with. I debate sending Arthur the video, but I should probably call him so we can actually talk through my plan instead of sending a random out-of-context video taken from inside my pocket.
I send Sage a few updates on the day, and when the movie ends, I show Parker back to his room, not wanting him to get lost. I’m distracted as we walk, hoping Arthur will still be awake by the time I make it back to my room. But when we get there, Parker practically runs into his en suite, and I forget all about my other plans as he violently throws up.
“Holy shit, Parker. Are you okay?” I ask, rushing into the bathroom after him. “What do you need?”
I’m wondering if maybe it’s food poisoning or if he upset his stomach with all the water he’s been chugging tonight. I’m not expecting him to answer “the hospital,” and my heart drops as I fumble to pull out my phone to call an ambulance. If he’s asking for the hospital, I’m not messing around with finding the keys to borrow a car here. My heart rate shoots up even more when I see that after the day of travel, and that long recording I took during dinner, my phone’s battery is nearly dead.
22
SAGE
Oakley
Any word from either of them?
Sage
Still none. I’ll let you know if I do.
Aspen hasn’t been responding to any of my texts.
No response to my calls or FaceTimes either. I didn’t think much of it last night when she didn’t respond to my goodnight message, thinking she might have fallen asleep during the movie they were watching, but there was still nothing this morning. To make matters worse, Oakley has now been blowing up my phone asking if I’ve heard from Parker every few minutes. As if my anxiety wasn’t bad enough.
I’m trying not to panic, though. Until I actually know something is wrong, I’m attempting to remain calm.
It’s midafternoon on Christmas day, and I’m spending it in South Carolina with my family. It’s fine. I don’t hate my family the way Aspen does hers. I don’t believe they’re truly bad people, but they live in a bubble with other people who are a lot like them. I’ve never really felt like I fit in, and I’m not sure how they’d react if their views were challenged.
I have no idea what they’ll say when they find out I’m in love with a woman. I’ve thought about never telling them. They know I live with Aspen and that it’s not going to change. This is the first holiday I’ve been home for in years, and I’m mostly here because Aspen had her own plans, and my sister recently had a baby, so meeting them sounded nice.
My siblings have always fit the mold of what my parents expected of them in a way that I never could. My brother is a dentist just like my father, and my sister is married to a lawyer while she stays home with the children. I’m not sure what exactly it was that made me feel like the odd one out during my childhood—if it was just being the youngest or if it was my interest in science over homemaking—but even now, I feel like I’m on the outside of all their conversations. I don’t know who or what they’re talking about since I’ve been gone for so long. It’s been much easier for me to hangout with the kids.
I’m currently sitting on the floor next to my nephew as he does tummy time. I’m definitely not complaining about meeting this cute little nugget—he’s been the highlight ofthe trip. I’ve also been watching her other three kids run around and play with the toys I brought them. My parents are talking with my brother-in-law about his latest case, and I sort of feel like I’m intruding on this picture-perfect, wholesome family, even if they are related to me.
I used to assume that my life would turn into some version of this one day. I never want to stop working, but I figured I would end up married to a man and that we would probably have kids.
Those assumptions are obviously gone now, though. Aspen is it for me.She’s fine, she just can’t respond right now,I remind myself as the worry starts to creep back in. I distract myself by daydreaming about our future.
The last few months have been amazing, even if Parker and Oakley are the only ones who know we’re together. But in a weird way, it’s also been like nothing has changed. By keeping our relationship a secret, the biggest adjustment has been sleeping in the same bed, spending that time exploring each other’s bodies and figuring out what we like. I found out pretty quickly that I like almost anything if I’m doing it with Aspen.
It's been really nice to have this time to adjust to our new dynamic without any outside opinions, but I think we’re both getting anxious to make things official publicly. Having to spend the holiday apart wasn’t ideal, but Aspen was optimistic that being with her dad in person would give her an opportunity to make a plan to get him out of her company.
Looking around at the kids again, I realize I’ve never seriously thought about if I want any of my own. In the past, I had just assumed it would happen one day, but as I take the time to really consider adding a person that I’m responsible for into the world, even if I’m sharing that role with Aspen, it doesn’t sound very appealing to me. I love my nieces and nephews. Spending time with them is amazing, and I would do anything for them, but being a fun aunt isn’t the same as being a mom.
I think about my life now with my dream job and my amazing girlfriend who has her own seriously impressive career. The only thing I would change is the ability to publicly claim her as mine. To go out and kiss her in front of other people, to hold hands without worry that someone will recognize her and question us. I don’t feel like I’m missing anything. I feel like my life has plenty of purpose and meaning.
I don’t think I want to be a mom.I don’t know why that revelation is more surprising than when I realized I was attracted to a woman, but it is. Obviously I don’t need to permanently decide anything right this second, but accepting this about myself seems important somehow. I feel a sense of peace about it for now. I’ll need to talk it through with Aspen eventually, but for now, I’m going to accept how I’m feeling and check in with it in a few days or weeks and see if I’m still feeling the same way. Then we can talk about our thoughts as a couple and go from there.
