Page 5 of The Vampire Always Rises
“Just how many items is your bucket list up to now?” he asked.
“Over a hundred, but most of those have to do with the trip to Europe.”
“Number twenty-eight: fly on an airplane. Twenty-nine: sing to myself in public. Thirty-two: drink several airline bottles of booze. Thirty-three: mile-high club.Darling, I hate to tell you, but that last one isn’t going to be easy to do when you’re flying by yourself to the Czech Republic.”
“I know. I don’t have to do all the bucket list things right away. Besides, I’ve crossed off a bunch already. Grape juice!”
“What? Where?”
“No, no, not literal grape juice. Just ...grape juice!”
“You know, now that your father is gone and you’re no longer a member of that weird-ass religious group, you can say actual swear words instead of substituting generic phrases.”
“Swearing like a sailor is number seventy-eight on my list, actually. Boy, this is awkward. How are you supposed to put these little strips on?” I twisted around on the toilet, where I was attempting to position the super-sticky wax strips in the manner illustrated on the instructions, but the strips kept adhering to the edge of the toilet seat.
“I sit on the floor to do it. It lets you get full access to the zone, if you know what I mean,” he said. “Where are your crossed-off—oh, here they are.Sell Papa’s house, and don’t give one red cent to the church. Get cute apartment. Spend vast quantities of money buying clothes instead of making shapeless dresses. Read books Aunt Roxy sent.Those were the vampire books, I take it?”
“Yup. The Dark Ones series by C. J. Dante, who is a close, personal friend of Aunt Roxy’s. She promised me she’d introduce us.” I got comfortable on the plush blue bath mat, and with a hand mirror propped up against a knee, applied the sticky strips to one side of my groin. I had images in my head of what I wanted, a nice tidy pubic area without any of the wild, deranged red curls that matched the ones on my head.
“I’m surprised your father let you read those books.”
“Oh, he didn’t. He made the school district show him every book I checked out, so that he could have approval of my reading matter. The vampire books I read after he died.”
“Didn’t your mother smuggle some decent literature in to you?”
“A couple, but one of the Elders found them and made me burn them in a ceremony of shaming in front of the entire church.” I wondered if a razor wouldn’t be better, but figured I’d made it this far—I’d just soldier on.
“That must have been hair-raising, to say the least.”
“It was awful, but it wasn’t like I was a stranger to being punished in front of everyone. It seems like at some time or other I broke every one of the basic tenets of the True Believer Church of the Apostles of the Armageddon. I danced in my bedroom, and dancing was a sin. I wanted to join choir at school, but of course, singing was a sin. I tried to swim in the lake behind the compound, but all hades broke out at that, because swimming is super sinful. And I can’t count the number of times I was sent to sit in the corner with the punishment hood over my head while everyone ate dinner because I talked back to a male. Grape juice, this stuff is really sticky.”
“It’s a wonder you don’t need deprogramming, darling,” Ellis called.
“That’s what I have you for. I’m so glad I found you on the line after Papa died.”
“Online, dear heart, noton the line. And I’m glad, as well. It’s been a delightful three months getting reacquainted. How’s it going in there?”
“All right, I guess. I’m supposed to rub the strips in, then rip them off. Seems kind of ... sinful. Wait, is that the church talking?”
“Absolutely. There is nothing sexual about ripping out your pubic hair. Hurry up and deforest, or else I’ll end up drinking the rest of this bottle.”
“OK.” I took a deep breath, grabbed one end of a strip, and, bracing myself mentally and physically, jerked the strip off my private parts.
The resulting scream that echoed around the bathroom almost deafened me. Ellis came running into the room, skidding to a stop at the door, one hand over his mouth as he stared at my crotch. “Dear god, what did you do to your coochie? Why is it bright blue?”
“Ack!” I screamed again, flopping over onto my front, my legs together tight. “What are you doing in here? You can’t see my naked parts!”
“Darling, I’m staring at your bare ass, and let me tell you, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”
“Eek! Stop looking at it! At me!”
“I can hardly help it, sweet thing. It’s a full moon rising from where I’m standing. Why did you scream?”
“Because it hurt like hades!” I said, gritting my teeth. I pulled a large bath sheet off the towel rack, and swathed my lower parts with it before rolling over, tenting the towel to peer in and see how bad the situation was.
“Well, of course it hurt. You’re pulling your short and curlies out. Do you want some medication?” He moved over to the mirror and flipped it open to look at the shelves inside. “Something soothing, I’d say, something aloe vera–ish. What do you have in here? Hmm. I don’t think menthol rub and a yeast infection cream will give you the relief you want.”
“I’ll ... be ... fine ... ,” I said, grunting a little as I wrestled with the towel, trying to get to the affected area so I could assess the damage. Unfortunately, my thighs appeared to be glued together, and what was worse, the bath mat seemed to have adhered itself to my legs. “Oh, this is just what I need!”
