Page 27 of The Bride
Jake
Guilt. I was feeling guilt. I was looking at the eggs frying in the grease, trying to understand this emotion, and finally I had to call it what it was.
Guilt.
There was absolutely nothing to be guilty about. I gave Ellie the picture, I knew she would love it, but I knew it would hurt in a weird way, too. She cried, I consoled her. That was it.
“I think the eggs are burning,” Janet said from her seat at the kitchen island.
I was on top of them and I didn’t see it. The edges were burning. I slipped them onto a plate. Added less burnt bacon and turned around to serve her. Slowly I set the plate in front of her.
Like she was this unpredictable animal and I didn’t know what was going to happen next.
She said nothing. Just took the fork I offered and started eating.
“That was nice. The cupcakes and all,” I said.
“Hmm,” she nodded.
“Ellie was shook up about the picture but I think she really liked it.”
“Yeah.”
I didn’t do this. I didn’t play games. I was a man who on any given day had about a hundred tasks that needed to be completed. Otherwise animal lives could be lost, human lives could be lost, money could be lost. Which meant I always had to cut to the chase to get the work done.
“Why don’t you say what you’re upset about and have at it,” I snapped. “Yes, I was holding Ellie, who was crying because of a picture I gave her of her dead parents.”
Janet put the fork down on the plate as if it was sterling silver. “You know what, Jake? I think you’re mad because I told you this might happen. I think you thought it couldn’t happen to you. No, not the honorable Jackson Talley. Never him. You were so above it.”
“What in the hell are you talking about, Janet?”
You know how you do that thing. When you ask someone a question like they are crazy, but really you know exactly what they are talking about. Yes, I knew exactly what she meant, but she was wrong.
Me holding Ellie meant nothing. I didn’t feel anything other than deep affection for the person who I counted as family.
It was guilt that made this awkward.
“I don’t know, you two looked awfully guilty when I walked in. Hell, she nearly toppled you over. And you, you can’t even look at me.”
She was right. I had evaded all eye contact.
“You’re falling for her.”
I shook my head. “You are so ridiculous right now, I can’t have this conversation.”
Because the conversation wasn’t going to end well and I had too much shit to do today. This wasn’t about me falling for Ellie. The truth, the real truth was I liked her more than Janet. That was where the guilt came from.
There. It was out. At least in my mind.
At some point in these last few months of our on-again, off-again relationship, I had stopped liking Janet. If there was someone I wanted to spend time with, it was Ellie.
Only I couldn’t have sex with Ellie, so I needed Janet. Which was wrong on so many levels.
And wait, did I just think about sex and Ellie in the same thought in my head?
Oh shit, I wasn’t…
No. Ellie was Ellie. This wasn’t about her. This was about Janet. I felt guilty that Janet caught me liking someone way more than her.
