Page 24 of The Wife
I was doing the upright thing. I was doing the fair thing.
I hated every minute of it. I was jealous as shit and mad at him for making me feel this way. But I couldn’t deny him this opportunity.
They were coming back down around the pen, laughing about something. I cut Petunia’s grooming short and walked her back to her stall with a silent promise to make up for my halfhearted attempt later this week.
I didn’t want to have to deal with them. I didn’t want to see the mutual attraction thing going on. I didn’t want to hear anything that would be really awful.
As I made my way out of the barn I could see them dismounting. Jake was helping her off Isabella, but it was clear to see Carol knew what she was doing on a horse. No jerking, no sudden movements.
Then I looked at Jake and what I saw there nearly ended me. He was smiling. Really smiling for the first time in… I couldn’t remember when. He looked so free and easy, it was only then I saw how much the tension between the two of us impacted him. Like around me he was constantly holding in his breath and sucking in his gut and now, with Carol, he was finally able to breathe.
I had done that to him. I had made him tight and cautious because I had done this stupid thing and kissed him.
I looked away. It hurt too much. I made my way inside and I didn’t look back at them again.
* * *
We were eatingdinner and it was awful. I had been sullen and bitchy all night and he wasn’t calling me out for it at all. He was simply dealing with my mood like it didn’t bother him. Quietly eating the food I made for him without comment.
“So are you going to ask her out? Or should I say have you asked her out already?”
I heard his fork clank against his plate. With a little more force than if he’d placed it down.
I had to know. I couldn’t stand around waiting to see something or hear something or suddenly have him announce her to me as his girlfriend. This wasn’t like Janet. Janet was a known commodity. They had been dating before our marriage. Before we were anything.
Carol was new. A brand new person he met, who he thought was cute, who he spent two days hanging out with on my ranch.
“Ellie…”
“I want to know. I’m not saying you shouldn’t. I’m not saying anything. Although it seems to me she was awfully sure that our marriage wasn’t a real one when she came out to the ranch to meet you. It’s one thing to hear a rumor in town and just take it for granted that you know the situation on the ground.”
“Ellie...”
“Just tell me. Have you asked her out yet?”
“I haven’t.”
I nodded.
Then it came. The knife slash right up the middle.
“Yet.”
“Hookay.”
Slowly I got up and took my plate to the sink. Gingerly, as if I really had been cut with a sharp knife. Fuck this hurt. I had never experienced anything quite like it. Then suddenly I was numb and I wasn’t feeling anything at all.
I rinsed my plate off but I knew I had to get out of there. Knew I couldn’t look at him again. Except it was my turn to do the dishes. Fuck the dishes.
“I’ll clean up later. I’m going to go take a shower.”
“Ellie…” He was up and out of his chair. I could hear the scrape of it as he bounced up and reached out to grab my arm. “Listen to me.”
I tried to pull my arm back. I didn’t want him to touch me, but he wouldn’t let go. It’s like he wasn’t done with whatever awful thing he wanted to say to me.
“I heard what you said. We don’t have to talk about this. You’re free to date whoever you want. I am too, for that matter.”
“Just… I know this is weird. I know things haven’t been… easy… between us. But I’m thinking this might actually help. If we stay in this kind of rut, then it’s only going to get harder… you know what I’m saying? But if we snap this… thing… and I take Carol out, it could be better. It could normalize things. Like how we used to be.”
