Page 29 of The Wife
Our lunch.
Their date. Like those words weren’t soul destroying. Except of course he didn’t really know what they were doing to me, because I was putting on a brave face. That was me. Ellie the Brave. All crying was saved for late at night under the covers and in the shower.
At this point I didn’t even care what he said. He was officially dating Carol, and nothing really mattered. I didn’t even want the damn toy anymore. It’s not like I could imagine kissing Jake to work up any arousal. Not when I knew he was kissing someone else.
Had he kissed her? Like he’d kissed me. Had it felt the same way? Was it always like that for him? He said it had been intense between us. Was it intense with Carol?
Oh god, I couldn’t stand this feeling. I had to find some way to stop thinking about him.
“What?” I asked snapping at him. “What is worse than you opening my dildo in public?”
He couldn’t even look at me when he said it. “Bobby MacPherson was there.”
“Shoot me now.”
“Look. It’s embarrassing. It was embarrassing for me too. But he said some shit… I’m telling you, I’m right about this guy. I want you to be careful around him.”
“Because he has a thing for me.”
“Yes.”
“So stay away from the guy who actually wants to hook up with me. That’s not the greatest strategy in the world for losing my virginity.”
He winced, and that felt good. Hurting him a little felt really good. Which was awful I knew, but he had no idea what he was doing to me.
“Don’t get squeamish, Jake. That is my end game. It’s why I bought the damn thing in the first place. I’m having a hard time with… well… it doesn’t matter. I’m saying a girl should practice when she’s getting ready for the main event.”
His head snapped up. “Are you dating someone?”
“Why would you care?”
“Ellie, if you’re dating someone… if you’re thinking of having sex with someone…”
“Condoms. I know.”
He winced again.
“I meant to say that if you’re seeing someone, I should know who he is.”
“Oh right.” I laughed, but it sounded harsh. “So you can give him the classic Jake stare-down. Like you did with Riley last year. Like you did with Bobby on graduation night. Trust me when I tell you, you will never know the name of the first guy I fuck. I’ve learned my lesson.”
That was a direct missile to his gut. I actually saw it land. This time he didn’t wince. It was like his whole body shuttered.
“I thought we were friends,” he said, as if he was asking himself and not me.
I swallowed. We were friends. But I was in too much pain because of him, and it was really hard to be in pain and not want to inflict some back. Two people inflicting pain on each other could not be friends.
“I get it, Jake. You want to be with Carol and you want me to be with some guy, who you approve of course, so that we can go back to the way things are. That is a fantasyyouhave. It’s not reality. We can never go back. Only forward. Whatever we’re going to be, we’re only going to know what that is going forward.”
He closed his eyes. “I’m trying so hard to do the right thing.”
I walked by him and patted him on the shoulder. “I know you are. I know. You’re a good guy, Jake. Don’t think I’ve forgotten that.”
I left him and took my sex toy upstairs, shoving it under the bed, so I wouldn’t have to think about it.
Forward. That’s what I had told him. I couldn’t see what that looked like, but I didn’t think if we kept doing this to each other, hurting each other, that it would be very friendly at all.
Eight
