Page 61 of The Wife
He didn’t interrupt my speech, which I thought was a good thing.
“That’s what you really want? To leave here and go to school?”
No, it wasn’t what I really wanted. But anything else was not fair to him.
“I think if we’re going to try and go back to being what we used to be to each other, we’re going to need space.”
“Space.”
He said the word like it was equivalent toshit.
“Okay. Then tell me what you think. What do you want?”
His jaw clenched. “It’s not about what I want, Ellie. It’s about what you want.”
“No. It isn’t. I asked you to save me, and you did. You lived up to your part of the bargain. Now we can end this. Why are you so angry about that?”
“How?”
“How...”
“The money. How did you get the money?”
“This annuity company bought out my trust fund. They take a pretty steep cut, but I get the money up front.”
He ran his hand through this hair. “Son of… That was supposed to be your security blanket.”
“Jake, there’s enough money to pay off the loan, pay you what you’re owed, and send me to school. Beyond that, it gets us out of this situation.”
“I didn’t think we wereina situation. I thought we were living our lives.”
“Because it’s not the same for you,” I cried.
“What the hell does that mean?”
“It means… I have feelings, Jake. And I know what you’re going to do. You’re going to take those feelings and justify all of them. I’ve done it too. You’re a replacement for my father. What I’m feeling is gratitude. I’m too young to differentiate between what’s real and what’s not because I’ve never known anything else. But it doesn’t change the fact that they are there. Maybe this really isn’t about you. Maybe I’m doing the selfish thing and saving myself two and half years of agony. This split is going to hurt me. I told you that. It will hurt worse the longer we go on like we’re doing now.”
He stared at me for a second, hands on his hips, like he was processing everything I said.
“If I said I did want to stay married to you, then what?”
For a second it felt like my heart was going to burst. Like he was offering me this dream come true. Except I knew when I’d laid this out in my head, I had to be careful for things like this.
“I would say I have doubts about that. That I would always have doubts because I knew when we married you thought it was temporary and not because you loved me. I think wehaveto do this. For both our sakes.”
“When?”
I blinked. “Whenever we want. The money will be in the bank in a few days. I’ll settle the loan and sort out the rest. I’ve already signed up for courses and arranged for a dorm room. I need to be there the first week of January. Actually I was hoping you could take me. I’m not allowed to have a car on campus my first year.”
“You’ve been planning this for weeks,” he said as if I cold-cocked him. “And you didn’t say a damn thing to me.”
“I wanted to wait until I knew I could do it all. The college acceptance came through last week. Also I wasn’t really sure how you would react.”
“Not sure?” he asked, exasperated.
“You gave up two years of your life, Jake. For me. I couldn’t ask you to give up another two and a half. Not when there was something I could do to fix it. I thought you might actually be… relieved. You said when you started seeing Carol, you thought that might be a way to return us to the way were. It wasn’t. I only got angry and resentful with you. This is my attempt. Time away. Separation. Then maybe when I come back and you’re living on your land, we can find a way to become… friends again.”
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